I Can’t Accept I Almost Have a High Schooler

High Schooler

Last night was a parents scheduling night for incoming high school freshman. Let me be clear, this is absolutely surreal to me. How do I almost have a high schooler? I don’t feel old, hell I don’t feel a day over 30. But alas, I not only have a teenager but one that is about to attend high school.

As we took our seats in the auditorium, I looked down at the chair in front of me to be met with a gigantic drawing of a penis with the word FUCK, thoughtfully sketched underneath.

‘That student is doing great things right now,’ I said to myself.

When we left the meeting, here is how my husband and I felt:

nervous crazy ex girlfriend GIF

We felt as if we were missing something or behind. What if he takes the wrong classes? Should he start college credit classes now? What if he does something super stupid to ruin the rest of his life?

Minority ReportHere’s the deal, Parker has an astronomical brain. He’s in every gifted class and is labeled by the school a superior cognitive. I absolutely hate that label because I think of the 3 albinos in the baby pool in the Tom Cruise movie Minority Report.

So guess where Mr. Smarty Pants wants to go to college? Stanford. That’s right folks, the farthest college possible away from his family, on the other side of the country.

Stanford University

Did I mention the acceptance rate and cost? Oh you’ll love this. The acceptance rate is 5%! The out-of-state tuition (btw, just now I’m spell checking and the mother of a Stanford hopeful, just mispelled tuition) that we could never afford is over $51,000! Yes, $51,000. A 4-year degree would cost more than our home.

I did the only reasonable thing one could do in this situation and Googled the following: HOW TO GET ACCEPTED TO STANFORD. Yes, a very strategic move on my part, I know. I was met with a short YouTube video of a cute young girl with a French accent walking the campus of Stanford giving little to know real advice on how to enter Stanford.

Next I text my cousin F the following:

Me: Do you know anyone that went to Stanford?

F: Chelsea Clinton

Me: Dude, U don’t know Chelsea Clinton

F: I know of her!

Me: How much wine have you drank?

F: Ha ha. None.

Next I decided to go directly to the source, the Stanford website but like a 7-year-old that pays attention only to the pictures, I lost interest after 5 minutes and logged off. I went online and checked how much we have saved up for him and Carter for college.

‘Well, we have enough to afford books at Stanford,’ I said to myself. ‘That’s something right?’

So obviously this whole blogging gig has to pick up speed as I need to make $200,000 before the fall of 2023. For anyone with little children, I’m finally understanding the whole “it goes quicker than you think it will”. When you’re sleep deprived, changing diapers, feeding, bathing, clothing, carrying and rocking a little one, you simply want to slap the shit out of anyone that says that to you. But ok, now I get it.







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