Who invents prayers? I don’t mean the “please God, let last year be the last year I must hide the Elf on the Shelf” or the “please God, let them take the trash one more time then I swear I’ll pay the bill” kind of prayer. I’m talking about the prayers we see on prayer cards and the ones we’ve known since childhood. I think anyone can make a prayer right? So I’ve decided to make a prayer for all Americans celebrating Thanksgiving tomorrow. I’ll try to cover all the bases you need covered to get through the long-ass day.
As we sit down to your bountiful spread, nourishing us for shopping this evening, because we are ass holes who can’t wait till 5 a.m. the next day, I will give thanks to you.
We are blessed that everyone is able to come together despite our differences. Grant me the patience when grandma asks me 4 times, “is this the same show” within a 10 minute span. When grandfather tells me a story about 100 aspirin costing .76 in 1940, let me focus on the lesson and not the canal of drool pooling at the bottom of his mouth.
Lord, when asked about my child rearing practices then simultaneously being admonished, allow me to remember that these same people rubbed whiskey on the gums of babes.
When 1/10th of my side dish is eaten because I was in charge of salad, and no one eats salad on Thanksgiving, bequeath me with the knowledge that I would have screwed up the mashed potatoes or stuffing anyway.
And lastly, when we decide to indulge in libations, grant me the strength to keep my mouth shut to secure our family bond.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no family: for thou art with me; thy wine and thy chocolate, they comfort me.
All I have to say is you’re welcome bitches! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!