Soccer parents aren’t suppose to have jobs since soccer games are planned half way across town, at 6PM and on a Friday night. Who needs jobs? Shit! We’re all trust fund babies right? Unfortunately, we need to have these jobs to pay for the thousands of dollars amassed between fees, uniforms and hotels.
Tonight, my 9-year-old had a 6 PM game. Because I avoid portable toilets at all costs, I waited till after the game was over and headed to Piada for a bathroom break and to carry out dinner. If you’ve never heard of Piada, its Italian Chipotle. Instead of burritos, you choose your pasta. It’s so freakin’ delicious yet there isn’t one close to my house so when I’m near one, I make every effort to eat there.
The Restroom
I contemplated getting my food first, then pissing. But nature wasn’t having that today. Piada only has 1 bathroom for each sex so I prayed to the baby Jesus it was free. Obviously it was not as I found a very locked handle.
“God damn it!” I cursed under my breath, instantly worried the person on the other side might have heard me.
Another minute went by and I began to ponder the men’s restroom. I quickly shook that idea out of my head. I’m a lady, I can wait.
2 minutes went by and I had visions of a 400 pound, 98-year-old, exiting with the smell of death in her wake.
Now, you would have thought that the act of shaking the handle would have been the hint to haul ass as someone was waiting. Not this ass hole. Nope! When she emerged, she opened the door slowly….and she was reading a book! A book!
Her next move as she slowly walked through the hall was to stop, look over her shoulder and say,
“I took the last of the toilet paper,” and walked away. I wanted to pull her stupid pastel color bandana off the mop of her head, grab her book and throw both of them as far as I could. Instead, I used every prayer I had to the keggle Gods to not let me pee all over the floor while I retrieved tp.
Ass Drums
After the restroom debacle, I took my place in line. My strategy of using the restroom first to allow the line to go down was in vain as there were still about 6 people in front of me. I had a 20-something couple directly in front of me that I watched in horror the entire time.
As I walked up, the dude was smacking his girlfriend’s large ass in time to the music. He clearly lost his virginity last week and she had clearly given up, assuming this was the best she could do.
After baby Hughy was done playing the bongos, he began light exercise in the form of gymnastics. He propped himself up on the wooden stantion as well as the wall ledge and began to swing his legs back and forth, back and forth until he could lasso them around his girlfriend. This did spark annoyance in her as she told him to get down and stop.
Seconds later, another lively song with drums came on and he began to play his girlfriend’s ass again. She remained inert, calling out which ingredients she wanted for her pasta while he played her like he was in a drum line.
I tried a few times to get my camera out to take video but it was so obvious. This guy disgusted me with his behavior and she disgusted me by allowing it to happen. Sure, a swift smack on the ass every now and then is endearing. But this guy acted as if he was just allowed to date women, at 27.
Haha when I read the title and the first sentence of the email I got for this post, i thought it was going I be about soccer parents and how they are ass drums lol this is still good though! Lol
Ass drums, that’s actually a good name for the parents that act like ass holes! LOL! Nope, it was names after the pig that couldn’t get his hands off his girlfriend. So obnoxious!
Haha I would never let a guy play my butt cheeks in public. How annoying
It was sooo awkward. Like after the first 2 slaps, most people would have thought, ‘ok, I’m an adult, I need to reserve this for the bedroom.’ But no, not Travis Barker over there….
Lol I hated it even when a guy would playfully tap my butt in the middle of a conversation. I told him to stop lol
What a bunch of asses you ran into that night!! Lol!
Yeah, I wanted to be like, you aren’t at home. There aren’t a bunch of magazines to read in the bathroom. Do your business and get out! Especially when there is only 1 potty.
How could you even be that comfortable in a public toilet? I’m usually thinking about when the last time it’s been cleaned in there to even touch anything.
EXACTLY! My goal is to get in, do my business and get out, all without touching anything. Hoovering position is optional. She’s in there like it’s the damn library….
When I think drums, I think downward movement. Now this is imperative: was he drumming up or down??
He was drumming downward. What does it all mean?
That that girl has a booty! ?
Amen!!
Urgh not a big fan of PDAs but ass smacking is something else isn’t it? I do enjoy your stories they do make me laugh!!
Rachael | https://rachaelstray.com/
Right? Especially slapping asses!
There’s a time and a place and the queue for food is not it!
#preach Cannot believe that Baby Hughy!
I love your posts! And, frankly, I would have tripped the chick coming out of the bathroom with her book. What a bitch.
Oh that makes me smile to read that! That you love my posts not that you would trip her! LOL! No, I totally should have tripped her. At the very minimum, for being that horribly oblivious! I can’t stand people that are clueless about their surroundings and how their actions affect others. Thank you for the compliment!