From my experience and from having a son in middle school, I am confident middle school should be studied by cultural anthropologists. Similar to Amazon tribes, middle school kids are a mystery in their rituals, dress and beliefs. I had an idea a few days ago to ask my sons to write a post. One for middle school and one for elementary. Since they want to earn money, I even bribed them with $5 per post. While the 9-year-old is only half done, the 12-year-old wasted no time. I absolutely love his sense of humor and I think you will too. And now I present to you…
6 Ways to be a Decent Human Being in Middle School
Make Out Session
Don’t tongue twist with your girlfriend, next to my locker. Like this…really….happens. All I want to do is get my stuff but all I hear are your lips smacking, like you’re sucking a milkshake dry. Just do it like the movies and go behind the bleachers or in the janitors’ closet.
Boyz in the Hood
Don’t act like you’re hood. I see kids throwing around gang symbols and listening to trap music (hot mess note: after not following my son’s explanation of trap music, I googled it. Here is Wikipedia’s version) but bro, we’re from a farm suburb, where the worst thing someone has ever done, has been to count the soybeans in the field incorrectly. We have a few kids that just walk around with a bluetooth speaker in their pocket and listen to the quote “trap” music, because they’re “hard”.
Don’t snitch on me or my friends just because you’re mad. This is the worst thing you can do. If I want to watch my fortnite (hot mess here again to translate, fortnite is a free video game you can play on XBox1) during class on my phone, let me! Just because you can’t do the same doesn’t mean you have to get mad and snitch. What personal gain do you get from this? Like, “Yes I snitched on P, but I can’t understand why he’s looking at me like that now.”
Move Over People
Don’t walk too slow or too fast. Middle school is like a highway and when my school has hallways the size of a mouse-hole, it gets hard to navigate. When you walk too slow and there’s no way around you, I get “hallway rage”. Also, even though the teacher will probably be sleeping upon entering the classroom, you need to move faster! Lastly, don’t run into me, watch my books fly everywhere then make no effort to help me pick them up! This makes me and everyone else very, very mad. Once, my teacher told me the story about a boy who ran around the corner, hit another kid and his teeth went through his bottom lip.
Shut Your Mouth
Do not, by any means, remind the teacher of an assignment that is due. Are you insane? 9 times out of 10, me or someone else didn’t do the assignment and we don’t want the teacher to know. Just because you play no sports and have the free time of a retired 90-year-old doesn’t mean I do.
I’ll even go a step further and attempt telepathy, sending the following message, “don’t do it, don’t do it!” I’ll make a noise that is on par with a dying animal, dying a slow painful death to express my annoyance.
Don’t lie and say school food is good. All lies! For real, it looks like it just came out of a prison easy bake oven. But knowing our school, the easy bake oven is probably missing the light bulb or more importantly, the only way the food is cooked. Just today, my friend found a piece of paper on his cookie. If you eat what this place gives you, you’re obviously not fed at home. People will say, “come on guys it’s not that bad.” We just look at that person like they just announced 2+2 equals 5.
Well guys, how did he do? I think he did great! He makes me laugh and one of the many reasons I love him!