I’ve birthed 2 sons. I can tell you this, I am convinced there is a secret society called the Momanetti that covets the truth on how hard it is once you arrive home with your newborn. I’ve likened maternity leave to boot camp as it’s physically and mentally exhausting. Before maternity leave, I thought I was going to have a 6-week vacation. 5 weeks later, I’m sitting on the toilet, holding a new-born to one breast while the other breast is leaking all over him. He was hungry simultaneously when I had to piss beyond belief, about to pee my pants. To make matters worse, I had donned the muumuu my mother-in-law had bought me that had slits in the front for my boobs to hang out for breastfeeding.
“Honey, everything ok?” My husband gingerly asked against the door of the bathroom.” Obviously he had detected my frustrations and my whining.
I flung the door open as if he had told me my ass was bigger than Texas.
“LOOK AT ME! JUST LOOK AT ME!” I screamed while holding our first-born with just my right arm/hand while pointing with my left hand to my left boob that was hanging out of the left slit of my muumuu.
“I am breast feeding while pissing on the toilet! Then my left boob is leaking all over our son. So you tell me, how do you thing I am right now? Huh? How do you think I fuckin’ am?”
I backed up into the bathroom like a curmudgeon and slammed the door in his face. Classy, I know.
Fast forward 12 years later and life has gotten a THOUSAND times better. Now when people have babies I am relieved that I can enjoy the baby’s cuteness then give the baby back. Oh my God, I almost got giddy after typing that. I don’t have to deal with midnight feedings, engorged breasts or the 8 ton diaper bag that has everything but a shot-gun in it to ensure your baby’s comfort.
When people would say to me, “I miss the baby times.” I’m like, “Really? Are you on lithium or something? I’m having a hard time understanding what you are talking about.”
This post comes from a friend giving birth to her own 2 miracles this week. Honestly, I would slit my wrists if I gave birth to 2 babies at the same time but then again, I’ve never claimed to be a strong woman. I can’t wait to love on them. I can’t wait till they are at the soccer fields. And when they cry for being in the arms of Auntie Hot Mess, I can always give them back.
So what do you think about all this? Am I an ass hole? Have you been in my shoes? I would love to hear from you!!!