I knew going into a large lifestyle center (that’s basically an inside/outside mall) 72 hours before Christmas as well as Wal-Mart would be a nightmare. What I was unprepared for was what I would like to call a miraculous nightmare.
Container Store
“So it’s so easy, you just pull into the parking place, call them and they come out with your order!” My sister-in-law told me one night last week while sharing a bottle of wine.
She was referring to the drop front shoe boxes she ordered online from the Container Store for my son. My 12-year-olds latest hobby includes collecting shoes I can’t afford. So really, I don’t know what he’s going to display in the boxes. Flip flops?
I instantly regretted pulling into the parking lot. This really doesn’t reflect the gridlock I sat in. From the main road, it took 15 minutes to drive to a parking space. Finding a space wasn’t a problem, it was just getting remotely near the store. All the red stripes represent the lines of cars that wouldn’t move. The main problem is this: the layout of the stores and parking lot combined with the 300 stop signs placed every 20′ aren’t conducive to holiday traffic.
Wal-Mart
For anyone that has read my blog for a while, you’ll know I loathe Wal-Mart. But they had a Nerf gun my cousin wanted so I was forced to pick it up. If I go to hell, I will be the Wal-Mart greeter, for all of eternity.
Once inside, I checked in at the pick-up area, told the lady I needed to go buy something else and would be back in 10. I began to do my mall-walk, prancercise, whatever you want to call it. My objective was to get in and get out stat! My pace was almost brought to a stop when I was met with a 400 pound woman slowly steering her electronic scooter as if she was the only one in the aisle.
After clearing scooter slow-ass, I ran into my next obstacle. I was behind a teen mom and her mother who were taking a leisurely stroll in the middle of the aisle. Pay no attention that this place is almost at capacity and you are walking slower than scooter slow-ass is driving. Please, take up the entire walk way, I insist, we’ll work around you. The front desk called ladies. It said you can pick up your Mt. Dew and Duck dynasty blanket now.
Then there was the toy department. As I stood at the beginning of the boys’ aisle, I debated on running the other way. I hadn’t eaten dinner yet and I was extremely hangry, not to mention emotionally drained from the parking lot nightmare. The aisle looked like Lord of the Flies went shopping on Black Friday. There were Lego boxes in the Star Wars display. A loan Nerf gun lay face down on the ground. Captain America masks dangled off hangers, threatening to drop down at any moment. A couple, who obviously just began their Christmas shopping today, stood over their full cart, arguing over which Pokemon cards to get junior. In the distance, I heard the faint echo of the Wal-Mart baby screaming. You know the Wal-Mart baby, they have a Kool-aid mustache, probably wearing no shoes and green snot oozing from their nose.
Pipes and Pleasures
Just as I was on my way home, I slapped my forehead, realizing I hadn’t picked up my husband’s tobacco gift at a place called Pipes and Pleasures. It honestly sounds like a strip joint where drugs are welcomed. I looked at my watch, 4:40. This meant I had approximately 40 minutes left of sunlight because all be damned if I was going to go to this part of town after dark.
As I pulled up, my goal was to find the least rapey parking space. All 8 parking places were taken so I made my own parking place, parking somewhat in the grass/street. I grabbed my purse and ran as fast as I could to the door.
“Not gonna get mugged….not gonna get mugged….” I chanted on my run to the door.
Forgetting if I had to be buzzed in or not, I took note of the bars on the door. Once inside, I was overcome with all sorts of tobacco being smoked. My eyes instantly watered. Apparently there was a tobacco party happening in the back, hence the full parking lot. I wonder if it’s like a pot luck. What does one even bring to a tobacco party?
At last, I can say I am finally home and not raped. I’m about to wrap all the gifts and I pray to God I am done. Are you done with all of your shopping? Tick-tock my friends!
Ah this. This is why I have not bought a single Christmas gift this year. Not one. It’s a new thing for us, and don’t get me wrong I am feeling all kinds of anxiety about it. But not having to deal with the walmart babies totally makes this totally worth it!
Wow….I can only hope to get to that point in my life where we are like, “ok, no more gifts”. And it sounds like the Wal-Mart baby is nationally known. You always hear her/him screaming bloody murder while mom is loading junk food in the cart.
Love this post! This is why I love to shop online or go into town very early in the morning ?
Xoxo Annaleid
http://www.actuallyanna.com
So glad you liked the post. I still have stocking stuffers to get I discovered so I think I might go to the store very late tonight. Merry Christmas!!!
eurgh. Hell is other people (Satre) I always think of this quote when Christmas shopping. bah humbug etc.
I become the scrooge when I walk into WalMart and everything everyone does is annoying. A part of me wants to hop on one of those electrical scooters to show people how annoying they are. I would drive in the absolute middle of the aisle after picking up a broom and laying it horizontally over the shopping cart just to take up more space.
Not to gloat too much but, sheesh, why do people put themselves though this hell. Just tell everyone you’ve become a mad hermit (I go for the full no changing clothes or showering option for added realism) and it all goes away. Or more accurately, they do.
Hmmm…..Bryntin, you may be on to something. Then I would be left with 4 million texts- “are you ok?” “you can talk to me”, etc. Know what I mean? I put myself through this because I had to buy a little at each paycheck and unfortunately, this Friday was too close to Christmas to order online. Oh and plus I have 2 kids who woudn’t accept the roof over their head, their clothing and the electric as sufficient gifts. LOL!!!
My son didn’t care to bathe more than once a week (if I made him) but he sure loved the expensive shoes! I’m right there with you on Walmart. I had to spend several hours there this season helping some families I work with shop for their kids and there is nothing like having to stand near the entrance with a name badge on (didn’t matter it wasn’t a Walmart name badge) and watch/listen to the crowds go by. Good job on your successful shopping mission!
Thanks Snuffy! Why are boys obsessed with shoes? Why can’t they collect shot glasses or some……ok, I get it, that would send a bad message but you catch my drift?!? I am so sorry you spent that amount of time at Wal-Mart. If I had to be there that long, I would request one of those decontamination showers you see in chemistry labs, immediately following the stint. I hope you got a lot of pictures of Wal-Mart shoppers. Those are priceless! I once got a picture of a woman walking out in a hospital gown.
Right? Girls collect things like stickers and bracelets but boys want the shoes! I can not even imagine what I would do if I saw someone in a hospital gown…I didn’t see anything nearly as jaw dropping as that…
See for yourself! I blogged about it. When I went back to get this link for you I totally forgot that she was wearing slippers: https://hotmessmemoir.com/2016/06/15/another-fine-shopper-at-walmart/
That is hilarious! You just have to imagine what story goes with that one. Just an FYI, the picture is rotated, not sure if that was because you fell over laughing when you took it… 🙂
Oh geeze! Thanks for the heads up! I’m fixing now.
Ok, I fixed it! Again, thank you!!!
Your are totally welcome!
I had to brave it today too and I can sympathize, merry Christmas ☺️
Oh geeze Simon, I am so sorry to hear this! I pray you don’t have to go to Wal-Mart or any mall. I have to go back out and I’m thinking about doing it towards the end of the day, hoping everyone is gone. Good luck and merry Christmas!
Oh Hell Messy, take care out there. We don’t have Walmart here but places I’m sure that are just as bad. I don’t have to go out again but my thoughts are with you as you venture out again! I hope it’s quiet this time ☺️
Where do you live that you don’t have Wal-Mart? Heaven?
No, just England. Only over the pond. It seems Walmart can’t fly or float lol
The “Walmart Baby” is honestly why I haven’t been to Hell in 3+ years. Just reading about you going in there raised my blood pressure several points. I CAN’T COPE. If it can’t be purchased at Target or on Amazon, it ain’t being purchased. Also, crazy jealous you have The Container Store! If we had one locally, every.single.item in my home would have a container house ??
You’re kidding me! You don’t have one? Honestly, they aren’t great. That was the first time I had been to one in about a year. It’s pretty expensive stuff.
I remember going to one in Santa Rosa and I remember it being fairly cheap. Assholes probably realized they were in high demand, so they started pricing their plastic boxes like they were gold.
Yeah, it has kinda just gone up and up and up.
? Okay, so I haven’t been in a Walmart in years. And, I haven’t been Christmas shopping in a store for years either. I can’t stand the shopping crowds. Online shopping is my best friend this time of year.
You are so blessed you haven’t stepped foot in a Walmart in years. You know the show Ruldolph and Land of the Misfits? That is what Walmart is like.
Happy Christmas Angela?
Walmart also not my favorite. Went to a new one in a nearby area to us, just to be told over and over again that what I am looking for has still to come and not been unpacked although it’s listed on the website. Needless to say, after hunting for something else to replace the ‘not unpacked as yet’ gift that had to go back to South Africa with my sister a day later, nothing else could be found as they are still unpacking and the stop was still in a pretty messy state with boxes everywhere. Needless to say, I left with nothing that I went there but my sister at least managed to find well priced wool to knit a scarf or two as gifts.
Today, Saturday just before Christmas, and I am now done with shopping, just last minute wrapping to do and after this comment here, I need to get myself in the kitchen and start doing the food or nobody will have anything to eat on Christmas Eve.
Merry Christmas
I bet you cook up a storm for Christmas! Yeah, Wal-Mart is globally a nightmare. Your in Canada right? Are they popular up there? Also, I just sent this link to another blogger, check it out too. I took this pic of a Walmart shopper shopping in a hospital gown and slippers: https://hotmessmemoir.com/2016/06/15/another-fine-shopper-at-walmart/
Yes, I am in Vancouver, Canada and yes it’s rather popular here. Hopefully the one I visited will be better soon, but I only go there when I know that I need something specific they carry.
Oh my oh my – nothing can be said more on the pic – some people ….. I do not get it!
It will never get better. Please know this. I’ve been waiting my whole life for Wal-Mart to get better and it just doesn’t. It’s a cesspool of misfits. Merry Christmas!
One may dream and hope.
I’ve never been to walmart! I have seen that website about all the crazy people there, so I get the idea. Why do the most interesting folks all end up in Walmart? 😀
Well done on finishing your xmas shopping!!
Most interesting or most white trash? Lol! Count your blessings you’ve never stepped foot in Wal-Mart!