I am a wine drinker. The dryer the better and I only drink cabernet. As a little girl in an Italian family, I was given a miniature wine glass complete with about an ounce of wine. I was 4.
“Start with Lambrusco and work your way up to dry wines,” my father told me along with any restaurant patron that wanted to like red wine but found it too dry. If I drank Lambrusco today, it would be on par with drinking sugar-water; gagging at every gulp.
Craft Beer At The Zoo
“Surely they’ll have wine,” I said to my husband as we passed half-million dollar homes on the way to the zoo.
“I don’t think so.” He said assuredly.
“Well then let’s find a store, I’m going to smuggle it in.”
“They check purses you know. How you gonna do that?” He asked.
I kept my left hand on the wheel while patting my dress pockets. “Pockets,” I said. “I’m gonna put one here and one here and one, buried under tampons in my clutch.”
“In your crotch?” he asked confused.
“This isn’t Orange is the New Black damn it! Stay with me! In my CLUTCH!” I said emphasizing the CL.
We were the first ones there and to my delight, ushered into what the volunteers called the “super VIP area”. After about 30 minutes everyone started to arrive. At one point someone noticed a grown man with an ostrich costume on that made it look like he was riding an ostrich.
Now people, if you have children at home, I want you to show them this picture and convey this: if you don’t work hard and/or go to college, this will be you on a Friday night as an adult:
Sorry for all the black, creepy ovals. None of them know about my blog and have never signed off of me using their photo so I will keep their privacy. Immediately after taking this photo and since I was leaning on the faux ostrich’s ass, I began to “smack dat ass” because I’m really a 12-year-old inside.
After ostrich time I began my conquest for wine. I felt really stupid being at a craft beer event, asking for wine. I walked up to 3 separate vendors and gave the same speech.
“Hi, um, no offense but I’ve never liked beer. I know it’s stupid I’m here but I’m wondering if you could tell me where I might find wine?”
After all of them had no idea, I walked over to the information booth and gave my speech again.
“Sorry hun, there isn’t any wine,” the real housewife of Columbus said.
“What?” I said, fighting back tears. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, but if you go back there to that booth,” she pointed behind her. “They have ciders that are really good.”
“Yeah, ok. I can do ciders.” I said, trying to turn lemons into lemonade or grapes into apples.
Over at that booth, the nice, heavily pierced and tatted female hipster, allowed me to taste a cranberry cider beer. It was adequate and I decided this would be my drink de choix for the evening.
The rest of the evening was filled with laughter and conversation. I indulged in a combined total of 4 cranberry cider beers along with a grapefruit one when they ran out of the cranberry. It wasn’t great. I knew we had a good time because this morning I sent my co-worker/friend the following message:
You seriously crack me up!!!
And you crack me up too!
Cranberry? Grapefruit? Ick! No wonder you don’t like beer. I’m strictly a wine person myself. As in, I can drink a whole bottle — myself.
Love it! And trust me, my drink du choix has NOT changed from wine to beer/cider! I just improvised given the only provisions I had. LOL!
I’m not much of a beer drinker, either…like you, I prefer red wine. I think it comes from being raised in the Episcopal church, where we had REAL wine for communion starting in childhood. Sadly, that’s the only positive thing I kept from conservative Christianity, LOL!
I grew up Catholic attempting to go under the “ignorance is bliss” guise, ignoring that 200 strangers were drinking out of the same 4 cups. I wonder if they still do that?
are ciders like wine except that they made from apples instead of grapes right?
I am more of a beer person, but I love my beer in a wine glass because sophistication
Yes, I believe ciders are made from apple but then it lends to it’s sweeter taste and that is what I try to avoid at all costs. Love that you drink beer in a wine glass. Now tell me, is it a white wine glass or a red wine glass? Because if it were me I would do the red wine glass so you could have more in the cup!
I like the way you think….. A red wine glass or a sherry glass have more…….
Very true….or an 8 gallon drum complete with a straw. The possibilities are endless…..
I am even thinking a tank truck…..
Wow…you pulled out the big guns. I’m uncertain I can top that.
Its almost weekend yey…….
hehehe!! Sounds like a fun night – what you need is one of those purses that doubles as a flask…or that has a water proof bladder pocket in it so that you can fill it up with wine 😉
I thought about both. I thought about pouring wine in a zip lock then taping it to my belly or something. Too much?
Lol maybe just a little too much
So, only cider, no wine? You didn’t smuggle it in? I can’t believe your husband thought you said crotch?
Right? I really do regret not smuggling it in my perfectly good pockets. I’ve been pretty good at this as I smuggle my phone to the bathroom at work, in my oversized pockets. Please feel honored that 50% of comments are answered while sitting on the thrown!
LMAO. Definitely feel honored.
I’m the opposite of you: wine- no thanks, beer- yes please! I’ve had 4 different wines: a plum wine, a chocolate wine, some kind of red wine I was using in a beef stew, and some kind of white wine that my friend shared with me cause she didn’t want to drink alone… I’ll stick to my pale ales and IPAs, thanks.
Also, I saw a woman at a football game last year smuggle some sort of banned liquid in some sort of lotion squeeze tube I think. I had to do a double take when I first saw her put the tube to her mouth, but the dots connected real quick. Just make sure the tube isn’t see through and that it’s totally full when sneaking it in. 🙂
Well then we would compliment each other well! Funny you should say the lotion tube. This was our discussion at the zoo after 2 co-workers were pleased with themselves that they had smuggled 2 water bottles of vodka in.
I can’t beer either. Everybody says “oh, you just haven’t found the right beer!” but really, it’s the hops. I don’t like hops, and hops are in beer. Took me forever to figure that out, because I kept explaining it thus: “I don’t like that weird awful bitter urine taste… what’s that called?”
I’ve tried a few beers that weren’t made with hops (there are a very few out there, apparently) and… they’re not the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth.* But still… why would you drink that, when someone, somewhere, is mixing up a martini? The Long Island iced tea is a thing of beauty and goes down smooth… or, if you want to be classy, wine.
*In case you’re wondering, the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth was hemp milk. 10/10 do not recommend.
What’s it called? Biter urine taste. That describes it perfectly, pretty much! And given my cheap ass, I could have gone somewhere with wine and long islands but the problem? The beer was free and you didn’t have to tip! Eureka!!!