How To Screw Up A Wine Tasting

wine tasting

Well clench my pearls, my wonderful friend A informed me I never posted about a wine tasting we attended earlier this year. Why haven’t I written about this? Maybe it was the sheer ridiculousness of the whole event and me trying to block it out of my memory?

I am always on time with the exception of parties in which I like to be right on time or a few minutes late. I don’t like to be the ass hole that shows up 20 minutes early then your host feels as if they need to entertain you. My next door neighbor has a friend that coaches a girls softball team in our town. The coach was hosting a wine tasting party where a percentage of the proceeds went towards the team. It was essentially a Tupperware party, minus the plastic but add the wine. Game on friends.

I was happy to see another couple that I absolutely adore came for the event. I’m also glad we would know someone. I was already feeling awkward as we came to realize this was being held at someone’s apartment clubhouse. As I walked in, something didn’t feel right. Sure, they were sending all kids to the screening room and that was pretty cool that the apartments had a screening room but again, something was off.

I looked around the room and in my quick rain man calculations deduced there was roughly 45-50 people. I then looked at the front of the room to see 5 bottles of wine. This equated to 2.54 ounces per person….for the entire night….are you fucking kidding me?

Do I run away?

Do I stay?

I don’t know.

I decided to stay and to see how things played out. After all, there was comfort food on the bar, including little meatballs! Lil’ meatballs! The kind that has marinated in jelly and ketchup all day. I’m like a fucking chihuahua here; give me semi-palatable food and I will kiss your ass. I was so hangry that I anticipated eating no less than 8 Pete Sweddy balls on my plate.

Unfortunately, like a POW camp, the food was rationed. I shit you not when we got to the buffet line, I peered at the paper plate to find it was divided into 3 sections & the number of allotted food was hand written on the plate. We were then expected to take our ration and wait until the whole fucking clubhouse had received their 1 meatball, 2 shrimp and a slice of cheese.

By now I’m receiving the following text:

Mom, these girls are so mean. They told us to sit down and shut up!

“These girls” he was referring to were who we were there for…..paying money to support their cause. To say I was frustrated was an understatement. I excused myself from the line, marched over to the screening room and knocked on the door.

When it opened, I found several headband clad girls, sitting up against the wall, glaring at me.

“Yeah, you guys telling the kids to sit down and shut up? I don’t think so; be respectful.” I said then closed the door to go back to my cute lil’ party.

By now A’s husband had eaten everything on his plate and I was looking at my plate like a predator. They finally began to ration the wine which was indeed 1 sip per bottle, per person. Also, we were told not to eat the food until we paired it with the appropriate wine. To torture myself, I raised my plate up to my nose to breath in the warm sweetness of the meatball.

When it was our turn to have a sip of wine I began the negotiations.

“Hi, I would like to buy a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon I see here it’s $25. Do you accept check?”

“Oh, none of these bottles are available tonight to take home. That’s illegal. You sample tonight, purchase then your wine is sent to you.”

Seriously? This is not how wine tasting works. O.k., maybe it is but not the ones I’ve hosted. You make sure you have a ton of wine and food, case closed. I turned to my husband.

“What’s a wine tasting without more wine?”

“A wine tasting.” He said.

“Yes but that’s not the point.”

By now, A was getting a text from her daughter, similar to the text I had received about ill-treatment.

In the end

I had 1 meatball, 2 shrimp and a slice of cheese. Alcohol consumption: 2.54 ounces. I left hangry, annoyed and frustrated. I clearly learned my lesson on which “wine tastings” to avoid in the future. So tell me, have you ever been to these so-called wine tastings? What was your experience like?



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