The Past 7 Hot Mess Days

I guess I didn’t realize it till about an hour ago, the last week has been pretty shitty. Not to cry like a school girl but here you go….

Last Friday

My husband is a proponent of getting our boys clothing that is better suited for folks that need to be cut out of their bedrooms by the fire department. His reasoning is the clothing will last longer, my reasoning is this is ridiculous since they can’t wear the clothing if it’s falling off. Sure as shit, the pants I got my youngest were too large, even if he rolled the waist band 5 times. And so, we were off to Old Navy. But not before we had dinner. “Dinner” to my sons (because I let them pick) was Arby’s. Wasn’t feeling the grease but whatever.

At Old Navy, my oldest stayed in the car, too busy texting the girl he didn’t think I knew about. Um, hello…I check your phone every night. I know the boring drama that isn’t going on. Anyway, I take my youngest son into Old Navy.

“Gurggle…..” my stomach made. Hmm…ok, this needs to pass.

“Shhuurrrr…..” my stomach made as we passed a wall of cheap, uncomfortable shoes.

At the wrap desk the sales associate was taking his sweet ass time. Eventually I couldn’t take it.

“I’m sorry. My stomach is a bit upset. Do you have a restroom?”

He looked at me like I had asked him if he were gay then pointed to the back of the store. I hulled ass along with C to the back.

“Don’t talk to anyone!” I instructed him. He couldn’t come in with me as what was about to happen was unholy.

I walk in and there was NO TOILET PAPER! As time was not on my side, I deduced the box of tissues would suffice.

I sit down and explode like a 700lb man that had just eaten at a Chinese buffet. It was horrid in all facets.

I go to flush- nothing. Again, nothing…nothing and nothing. I don’t pray too often but here is the prayer I offered up:

“Dear God, for all that is holy, PL-EESE work!!!” I said as I held down the handle. Suddenly, a miracle- IT BEGAN TO FLUSH!!! I exhaled, smiling at the lever, thanking God. By now I heard a few people in the hall, lining up for the restroom.

But wait, my ass wasn’t done.

Repeat the above with the exception of the divine intervention. I had to face facts, I was going to be that person. I accepted it and began to lay tissues over the abomination in the toilet, washed my hands and walked out to the now 3 deep line awaiting the restroom.

“It’s not flushing, your gonna have to use the mens,” I said somewhat authoritative. I cringed knowing that the little prick at the wrap desk would know I was the reason they hated their jobs and why the female associates would have to use the men’s restroom for the next week.


I had not heard from my mom in over a month on Facebook. I haven’t seen her in 9 years but we have recently attempted to connect over the past few years via Facebook. Normally when she falls off the face of the planet, that is code for my sister is out of prison, jail, rehab- take your pick. Sure as shit, my sister was released from rehab about a month ago.

Trolling Facebook I noticed she had recent posts where she was tagged in my sister’s recently created Facebook page. Ok, G has a Facebook page now. I click on her page where she and a guy resembling Arsenal Hall are smiling for the camera. Ok cool, she is dating a black dude, I could care less. But then I look a bit closer….and closer….and closer. That isn’t Arsenal Hall, nor a man with a dick. That’s a woman….woman!

I knew she had these relations in prison but I thought that was for survival purposes. Apparently I was wrong. I immediately text my other sister, S. Once on the phone I explained the situation.

In her best valley girl accent she millenialled me with,  “I don’t care if she is white, black, gay, straight, Asian, purple, Alien, a stuffed animal, Duck Dynasty….”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah….I get it, you love all, I’m just sayin’ it’s a lot to absorb. It took me by surprise.”

My shock was later validated by my favorite cousin- F who understood and is gay. He gets the thought process of a millenial.

“Remember when you took me to my first gay club and it was a lot for me to take in? It’s like that,” I said. He understood and that is one of the many reasons I love him. I could lie but why? No one benefits.

The thing that was bad wasn’t finding out who my sister was dating. The thing that was bad was validating my mother’s MIA status because her BFF was back in town- she didn’t need me anymore.


Overall this past week has kinda’ blown. It has taken me over an hour to get home almost every night (in which I am going to write a strongly worded letter to ODOT).

I have .03 in my account, I shit you not. I did however cash out some of my stocks about 3 hours before they skyrocketed, so that was kinda’ awesome.

So anywhoooo…..I will now move on to shit I am thankful for because I’m guessing that is what will get me through the next few weeks.

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