Policing My Son’s Instagram

my son's instagram

Almost a year ago I let my son join Instagram because I didn’t want to be “that parent” who didn’t realize it was 2016. I figured that as long as we had a rule that I could check his account anytime, there wouldn’t be a problem.

Problem #1

After one of my first checks I found the following picture he had posted of him and his younger brother:

bros before hos


“While it was endearing that this was literally the first time he considered his brother his friend, I would be lying if I wasn’t put off by the “bros before hos” comment.

After I gave him a rather cryptic lecture about why you can’t post shit like this on Instgram, I watched as he removed the post. Of all times for him to consider his brother his bro. Damn it!!!

Problem #2

There was a girl that would NOT leave him alone. I put her at age 12 or 13. She was 10, and in his class last year! She had a new selfie roughly every night and many poses were suggestive and completely inappropriate.  She even posted the following on his page:

Hey, I’ve seen you in the halls and your kinda’ cute. 

I’m sorry, is this fuckin’ Rebel Without a Cause? Is James Dean gonna walk in while Paula Abdul is singing Rush, Rush? Keep walkin’ 16 and Pregnant.

I wanted to understand why this girl was this way. Who were her parents? Why weren’t they reading her Instagram posts? Why did she take a picture of her ass in the mirror with the word JUICY written on it? And by the way, if you are going to wear a word on your ass, you should have to pay a twit fee or something. Often times I’ve seen what is supposed to say JUICY, actually say JUIY as the C has been swallowed by the asshole.

‘ A girl like this probably had a Facebook page,’ I thought. As sure as the sun shines, she did. I noticed of all people, we had 1 person in common: my sons’ former preschool teacher, Mrs. Book.

Mrs. Book was very into her religion to say the least. Many phone calls to me letting me know my sons were just being boys, she once hesitated then finally asked, “I wasn’t going to bring this up but do you know Jesus is our Lord and Savior?

I was sitting in my cubicle with co-workers busy at work on each side. I looked from side to side while the crickets began to die down.

Like a guilty child I responded quietly, “Yes”. Apparently when she took a vote on how many kids went to church the following week, my son never raised his hand. He wasn’t lying as we didn’t go but Mrs. Book wanted to go all Church Lady on me.

Anyway, I contacted Mrs. Book via a Facebook private message. Here is how the communication went:


And just like all people creating their own reality, I was blown off because Sister Mary Hot Pants went to her church and attended with the Youth Pastor. You know, I am convinced that every God fearing, bible beating woman is in love with their Youth Pastor. Their Youth Pastor could be Bill Cosby and they would still wet themselves.

Eventually P received a private message from Princess Ho Bags asking to “go out with him.” After confronting him, he squished his face and acted like she was the plague. I secretly hoped this was sincere.

Problem #3

Back in December,  my Instagram icon popped up on my phone that I had a new follower request. Yeah! Probably a cousin or friend just joining Instagram. It was a topless woman.


The same week, on Christmas eve, we wanted to use a Santa tracker and find out where Santa was. The closest device was my son’s phone so I grabbed it. I noticed he had an Instagram icon displayed for a new follower. I clicked on it only to find topless woman’s topless sister!

‘Oh my God, oh my God, oh my god’ was playing over and over in my head as I tried to figure out how to block this abomination but also ensure my son did not see it. I ran the math, if it’s just a request, his buddies won’t see the request, right? After typing a few things into his phone like I was attempting to bring up Santa’s coordinates, I quickly grabbed my phone to see what his “followers” would see now that I blocked the prostitute.

I mean, what in the world? Is this the price I pay for allowing my son to be on social media? Don’t answer that, the answer is yes. So please let me know, are you dealing with this too? Please tell me I am not the only parent dealing with this? What have you found on their phones?


Leave a reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.


Get the latest posts delivered to your mailbox:

%d bloggers like this: