I have to thank blogger: Half Baked in Paradise for reminding me of the section in a 1950’s home economic book (below) meant for young girls to ready them for marriage. Sweet Jesus I forgot how delusional this person was that wrote this. Ready to be amazed? Got your wine ready? O.k., let’s get started.
Have dinner ready
Advice: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal — on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
Hot Mess: Plan ahead? That’s adorable. It doesn’t matter what you cook, someone is going to bitch about it. Sure, you could cook like it’s 1955, mixing together a large bowl of cream cheese, sour cream, hash browns and creamy chicken soup but then your children will be obese by 15. Most men are hungry when they come home? I am hangry when I come home. It gets to the point where I call it my feeding. Sure, I only weigh 134 and I’m average height but I can hold my own.
Prepare yourself
Advice: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
Hot Mess: You know what (me swaying my red wine around, almost spilling it as I get ready to lose my shit about this)? Your ass needs to freshen up for me. Ribbon in your hair? What am I? A cheer leader? Jesus! Even in the 50’s the husbands were having fantasies of girl on girl action-be a little gay? And lastly, his day was boring because he is boring. Case closed.
Clear away the clutter
Advice: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
Hot Mess: My house looks like a scene from Hangover right now. A note to the author: just because you had hoarding issues with cats doesn’t mean you can advise others to “tidy up”.
Prepare the children
Advice: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Hot Mess: You didn’t have kids, did you? I can’t even get my kids to brush their teeth daily and as a family, I’m unsure we even own a comb.
Minimize the noise
Advice: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
Hot Mess: Wasn’t going to run the vacuum anyway so no worries. As for the smile? All I can say is like an orgasm, you can fake being happy.
Some Dont’s
Advice: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
Hot Mess: Look, if I have a problem and/or complaint, my husband will be the first one to hear it.
“Honey, I found a lump today in my breast but enough about me. How was your day? Tell me everything. You had Chipotle for lunch?”
Make him comfortable
Advice: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice.
Hot Mess: Did Hitler write this? These continue to get worse as I read on.
Listen to him
Advice: Let him talk first. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.
Hot Mess: No ass hole, ladies first. I’m probably going to be more entertaining anyway.
Make the evening his
Advice: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
Hot Mess: I have very little hope these days for going out to eat, especially when I hear “Texas Roadhouse? That’s so expensive.” Make the evening his? If we made the evening his, it would consist of me wearing lingerie while feeding him chicken wings. I have laundry to do and stories to write people.
The goal
Advice: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
Hot Mess: My summary? This was written by a delusional individual who had 0 social skills. My guess is they died alone with 43 cats surrounding him in his Boca Raton ranch.
Bahaha!! Awesome post Hot Mess ??
Ah thank you! Who was this person? I would have thrown my pot roast at him had I lived in the 50’s. Fist bump back!
I am super glad I took the time to check my email one last time before work. This entry alone was worth booting up the laptop again! Laughed the whole way through!
Oh my God, so glad it made you smile. I’m telling you…it had to be a miserable curmudgeon that wrote this. You know what? I’m going to find who wrote this. Had a few glasses of wine, I can do this. Stand by…..
So I have a feeling that it was drunk sassy Hot Mess that was posting earlier and I found this article for her. It goes along with the post she wrote about the 1950’s book 😉 https://linkbeef.com/these-14-inappropriate-vintage-ads-might-make-you-laugh-out-loud/
Drunk Sassy in the house!!!! Oh my God….where do we start with this? I audibly gasped when I saw the baby in plastic. And the Volkswagen one? Priceless. May need to repost this this evening!
Outrageous right?!
Oh my God, this is hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!! 😀
You are most welcome. Now run along and plan your meal for tomorrow as well as the color of ribbon you plan to wear in your hair.
Hahahahaha! 😀
???????
I do all of these daily… you mean it’s not common practice? I can’t believe they actually taught this crap in school.
Is #7 your favorite? Do you offer to take off his shoes?
Ha! I love them all! I live to serve my man!! (oh please… I don’t even do his laundry, :D)
I don’t either. My husband has considered asking our man maid how much he would charge to do his laundry, once every other week. Sadly, his laundry would be done more with this proposition.
Holy… Apparently in the 1950s men were like gods to their wives?
This explains why they are so cranky about people pointing out the male privilege. I mean it would be hard to give up that life of the godlike adoration.
That’s a good point! Cover blown, party over.
I’m so glad I reminded you of this because your responses are blue-chip! 😀
Ah thank you!
This is so funny. We live in a master planned community and when we moved here 11 years ago there was really a video of a wife waiting in the drive for her husband with a plate of cookies!!! I told my husband to take me to the psychiatric hospital if he found me in the drive with cookies…
That is the true sign you have snapped if you are in the driveway with a plate full of cookies! Hilarious!
This is utterly wonderful on so many levels, I’m not sure where to begin.
But I agree, if anyone wants to hear about someone’s day at work, they’d ask. Otherwise, stow it where the sun rarely shines.
Ah, thank you! I’m glad you liked this!
Your summary summed it up nicely. 🙂
Thank you!
The 1950s can go suck it for all I care!
Too funny! I found your blog at the Dream Big MnG. Glad I did. I needed a good laugh. Thanks
Shannon
Ah Shannon, thank you so much for that! I’m glad you enjoyed this. I love being able to verbally say here what I’m thinking since sometimes it’s deemed inappropriate.
lol 😀 this was so funny! I’m pretty sure no woman ever, in the 50s or in this day and age, has ever followed this plan. It’s impossible! How are you supposed to do that with 3 kids running around all over the place? When my husband arrives home, dinner is not always ready, but he know he had better bring home the tortillas or there will be trouble! lol
First, thank you for following my blog! And your right about how impossible this would have been. That is why I think Satan or Hitler wrote these rules. I mean, what the hell? Surprised it didn’t say “greet husband in wet t-shirt and/or lingerie.”
Thank you for this post!!
Hahaha! “Did Hitler write this?” Oh my! I love your take on the Home Ec of the 50s. It really is so sweet? horrifying? bizarre? that so much advice is given to make the homecoming of “father” a treat.
Haha. I think they meant be happy when it said “be gay”, but the expectations for women in that era were RIDICULOUS ????