I’m starting to lose my shit about Christmas. I’m behind schedule. I still have to buy a drone (never thought I would say that) and 1-2 Lego sets. I’ve numbered the boys presents and keeping a careful watch on the # of presents each have to open because Lord knows if one has just one more than the other then suddenly the mound of gifts sitting behind them were all for nothing.
I have a younger sister by 8 years. I love her very much and she is my best friend. That being said, she is always late and never responds to texts. She has a live in boyfriend and they have 2 dogs to which they call their “fur babies”….ahem. After 4 texts asking her for a few Christmas ideas, she decides to bestow the following manifesto:
Taking a page from a guy’s handbook on Christmas shopping, I opt for the wine glasses. They will be affordable and it’s cut and dry on what it is. Trendy jewelry to one person may be complete trash to another.
I go online to order the wine glasses and find they are $14.95…a piece! A piece! Are they made out of glass from the 14 century? My idea of getting her 6 has now dwindled to 4. Initially I declined the 10% off offer in exchange for not having another e-mail come to my inbox. Hastily I cleared my cache and went back on the homepage again to retrieve the promo code. $14.95 has now gone down to $13.46. She’s still only getting 4. I also select the pickup in store which obviously means I was either drunk or insane during this choice being it was just 5 days before Christmas.
Today it was pouring so I thought this was a great day to go to an outdoor mall to get my sister’s wine glasses, 4 days before Christmas. I was excited to find that based on the WAZE app (GPS), I could get there within 14 minutes from work. Sweet!
I pulled out my phone to glance at the directions as I pulled out of the parking lot.
‘Hmm, that’s funny,’ I thought. My GPS signal must not be working yet. WAZE has a lot of roads I’ve never heard of before. I was clearly expecting to hit the highway.
I know there are many GPS systems out there. If you have the opportunity to select the option AVOID GHETTOS, I would make that change right now. Here is how you know you are in the ghetto:
Yes, if there is an internet cafe with a Mad Maxx vehicle in the parking lot, your probably not on 5th Avenue, Manhattan. Just sayin’.
I eventually made it to Easton at approximately 11:40 confident I had beat the lunch rush. I did not. I played chicken with multiple cars in the Barnes and Noble parking inventing new curse words for the stay at home moms and senior citizens that took my parking spaces. After a 133 yr old couple got into their Lincoln (aka Titanic) and pulled out, I officially had a spot. I truly felt like the shit.
5 minutes later I was the next one in line at Crate and Barrel when a 27-year-old sales associate approached me.
“Can I help you?” she asked in a snotty voice. Like I was a pledge at her sorority.
“Yeah, I had an internet order I placed yesterday. It’s for 4 wine glasses.”
Princess Ass Hole turned around and typed a few things in her computer then turned back to me with a complete 180 change in behavior.
“Ok, let me go grab that box for you” she said smiling sweetly. Apparently her 2 weeks of seasonal training paid off because she found my box.
As I walked back to my car I snickered a little thinking about how much I have changed and how much my sister would eventually. My sister felt $15 wine glasses were practical. I once did a double take at my son’s toddler stacking cups 5 years ago wondering if I could pour wine in them since the wine glasses were in the dishwasher. Unfortunately no, there was a tiny hole in the plastic. Duck tape? I settled on a measuring cup.