Hot Mess Visits The Renaissance Festival


Today my 10-year-old had a soccer game just outside of Cincinnati, which was about an hour and forty minutes from our house. Just a few exits before the soccer exit however was the Ohio Renaissance Festival. I had taken my sons and my sister there about four years ago and had a great time. I think my favorite part of it was the people watching.

Oh how things can change in four years. 

I got overly excited when we hadn’t even parked and there were people in long black cloaks, purple hair and corsets. YAASSS! Let the people watching begin! We rolled in after 2 PM and the festival had already been going on for several hours. The parking attendants were adamant about us all filing in and parking a continent away from the entrance. God forbid we break formation to look for open parking places. I had my father-in-laws handicap sign.

‘Do I do this? Do I use his sign and park right at the entrance?’

Nope, I didn’t. Carter and I preferred to walk the 20 miles to the entrance. On the way in, we spied the following amazing vehicles….


Because why wouldn’t you attend the Renaissance Festival in a hearse?

And this tricked out train wreck….

Mario Cart

People Watching

The Renaissance Festival of yesterday and today are two completely different things. Four years ago and prior, you would have the actors walking around in costume and expected the dog and pony show. The people watching came into play when I found a man in a rubber horse head costume wearing a trench coat. That’s the people watching I remembered.

Now it’s just a pissing match on who can be stranger. We were the odd ones dressed in normal street wear. It’s no longer people wanting to learn about this era that never happened in America. It’s a homecoming of sorts for people that live this different lifestyle. For example, two ass holes actually had the following steampunk masks on today:

steam punk

And this doesn’t even do it justice. The one dude had a suit tailored to match his mask along with a cane. I want to be clear with anyone that never had European history, textbooks or the internet. While I don’t expect your Renaissance costume to be made in the same fashion of garments from 500 years ago, I do expect you to acknowledge that steampunk was NOT A THING back then!! Hell, steampunk doesn’t even take inspiration from the Renaissance time but from the 19th century!

And let’s piggy back on the steampunk thing for a moment. You can watch all the Game of Thrones you want but that won’t change the fact that people didn’t have fairy ears in the Renaissance….or ever.


When we walked into the complex (which is like 35 acres), we saw this smartly dressed couple:


Apparently this man didn’t get the memo that the Renaissance period occurred between 1300-1600 and not 27 BC. He was channeling his inner Roman. If you haven’t noticed, I have a fondness of history and historical dress. When I see shit like this, I lose my mind!

Another thing that didn’t exist in the Renaissance? Human tails. Human tails were never a thing:


While seated behind the kilted ladies above, we were watching a hypnotic show where there were 8 people on stage. The hypnotist was guiding the participants when we heard a gigantic THUD…….


This lady falls over, probably cracking her skull on the stage and they keep going! The one next to her doesn’t even check to see if she’s ok. When they unhypnotize her, she gets up completely confused. Her long hair is over her cat ears (again, no one had cat ears during that time) and she’s looking around like, ‘wtf am I doing here?’

The Icing on the Cake

Despite spending $31 on tickets, $3 to park and $25 in games, Carter and I collectively decided 50 minutes later, we were done. Completely and utterly done. On our way out, we saw this little nugget.

“I don’t care if she beats me up for taking her picture, I’m taking her picture,” I told Carter, snapping away.

Perhaps she was channeling her Disney Coco look, but it wasn’t working. This is what I look like sometimes when I’m trying an edgy fashion, only to be out in public and announce,

“I look really stupid, don’t I?”

icing on the cake

Again, a decorative, over-sized mouse skull with boas hanging out my ass was probably not “all the range” during Queen Elizabeth’s reign.




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