Dear Fruit Flies,
Y’all are a bunch of ass holes. Little tiny ass holes! I have been patient since May and yet, you’re still here. Last month, I found adorable little plastic apples that held a poison and had holes in the top. The packaging claimed to kill you and all my problems would be solved. Yet after days of sitting by my sink, only your dumbest comrades (roughly 3) fell for the faux apple.
I have become a Goddamn Mr. Miyagi as of late. At any given moment, I can be found in my kitchen or my living room, clapping like the lady from the clap on and off commercial, attempting to kill you. I have about a 23% success rate. Every time I do kill one of you, I make sure you know you’re meeting your maker at that moment.
Your presence makes me feel like my house is dirty. Last week, one of your buddies was crawling on my toothbrush. My toothbrush for cryin’ out loud! Do you not have boundaries? You try to get in my wine, my salad and any dish I’m making. Come on man!
I’m so used to killing you that I’ve become a savage. Saturday, I rode with friends to the Columbus Crew game. As my friend was deep in conversation in the front seat and her young son directly behind her, I saw a large spider dangling down from her chair. I knew it would either get her or her son. And do you know what I did? Instinctively, I killed it. WITH MY BARE HANDS! I’ve struggled in the past to kill a spider with a shoe or a tissue. And now I’m killing you with my bare hands? Sure, I demanded a wet wipe immediately after killing it and rubbed my hand ferociously to get the spider corpse off my hand but you get the idea.
I respectively ask that you vacate my home by 9/5/19. It’s starting to cool down and you’re going to die anyway so why not just leave now? Please leave. Your corpses are not protein in my wine. You are taunting me and I don’t appreciate it. Please go away.
Haha. Love it. Your posts always give me a laugh. I’ve had a break from blogging for a while but back now 🙂
I took like a 2 week break too. You need it, to put more material in your toolbox for lack of a better term. Glad you’re back!
OMG this gave me a massive early morning relatable chuckle. Right there with ya sister.
Good! I’m so glad! It’s like there is an infestation of them!
yeah..and on the outside there is an overabundance of lantern flies
Bugs do not need to exist lol
Hehe have you tried giving them their own little dish of wine so get drunk and drown in? That might work?
I’m in a Walmart waiting room right now (I know, my favorite place) and just laughed out loud at this. Sadly, as I’ve drank wine and they’ve fallen in, I verbally told them, “I hope you die of alcohol poisioning, ya lil’ bastards!”
Haha!’ Just leave some out while you’re at work and see how it goes
I feel your pain. Today the little bastards were in my car, my car for crying out loud. There’s no food of any kind in my car but two of them showed up.
They did not survive the trip.