The other day, the CEO of a start-up reached out to me, asking if I would consider writing the verbiage for their new, glossy brochure, promoting their invention. These will then be printed and sent to hospitals across America. Not one to pass up the opportunity to make some dough, I was game. He emailed the images and topics he would like me to cover and I worked on it a little bit today.
Here is what I came up with. I welcome all feedback, good and bad.
The Pampered Papa
Are you looking for new ways to attract families to your maternity program? Have you heard from past fathers about how uncomfortable their accommodations were while their wives recuperated from childbirth? Maybe the food wasn’t adequate or new dads are just bored.
From the company that brought you paper straws, Ehcuod L.L.C. has done it again! Introducing The Pampered Papa! The Pampered Papa is the first in its class to be 100% dedicated to the comfort, services and entertainment of the new father! Best of all? It only requires an additional 9’x10′ of a standard hospital room.
While we’re sure your organization takes a great effort to ensure the comfort of the mom, leave the comfort of the father to us!
The Pampered Papa bed is a full-size Tempurpedic, complete with a wireless remote that gives the father unlimited ergonomic positions along with 8 different massage settings. Beds are covered with 800 thread count sheets, a down comforter made from the feathers of Peruvian doves and 6 memory foam pillows.
Move over cafeteria food! We’ve partnered with Door Dash to bring new papas all their favorite foods, such as:
- Buffalo Wild Wings
- Pizza Hut
Sure, the smells will be nauseating to mom but she’s dealt with morning sickness for 9 months. What’s another 48 hours? Am I right?
Each Pampered Papa suite also includes a fully stocked mini-fridge. Stocked brands include
- Bud light
- Mountain Dew
- Red Bull
Under his bed and to his delight, he’ll find a snack caddy full of artisanal beef jerky.
Dad doesn’t want to miss Saturday Football to welcome their bundle of joy? No problem, The Pampered Papa has him covered! The Pampered Papa suite includes a 60″ television at the foot of the bed with surround sound. This definitely won’t disturb the exhausted mother or wake the baby. In addition to being packed with every sports channel there is, his favorite apps are loaded as well, including
- Porn Hub
We at Ehcuod L.L.C. realize it’s absolutely exhausting for men to watch their significant other give birth. Until now, no one recognized how taxing it is for men to bring a steady flow of ice chips to their wife or sit in a chair while she pushes a watermelon out of a very small coin purse. Since the dawn of time, society has worried about the comfort of the person giving birth. Ehcuod L.L.C. believes it’s time to put the focus on the dad!
So what did you think? I’ve sent the first draft to the CEO for him to look over and make changes.