The other day, the CEO of a start-up reached out to me, asking if I would consider writing the verbiage for their new, glossy brochure, promoting their invention. These will then be printed and sent to hospitals across America. Not one to pass up the opportunity to make some dough, I was game. He emailed the images and topics he would like me to cover and I worked on it a little bit today.
Here is what I came up with. I welcome all feedback, good and bad.
The Pampered Papa
About
Are you looking for new ways to attract families to your maternity program? Have you heard from past fathers about how uncomfortable their accommodations were while their wives recuperated from childbirth? Maybe the food wasn’t adequate or new dads are just bored.
From the company that brought you paper straws, Ehcuod L.L.C. has done it again! Introducing The Pampered Papa! The Pampered Papa is the first in its class to be 100% dedicated to the comfort, services and entertainment of the new father! Best of all? It only requires an additional 9’x10′ of a standard hospital room.
Accommodations
While we’re sure your organization takes a great effort to ensure the comfort of the mom, leave the comfort of the father to us!
The Pampered Papa bed is a full-size Tempurpedic, complete with a wireless remote that gives the father unlimited ergonomic positions along with 8 different massage settings. Beds are covered with 800 thread count sheets, a down comforter made from the feathers of Peruvian doves and 6 memory foam pillows.
Dining
Move over cafeteria food! We’ve partnered with Door Dash to bring new papas all their favorite foods, such as:
- Buffalo Wild Wings
- Chipotle
- Pizza Hut
Sure, the smells will be nauseating to mom but she’s dealt with morning sickness for 9 months. What’s another 48 hours? Am I right?
Each Pampered Papa suite also includes a fully stocked mini-fridge. Stocked brands include
- Bud light
- Corona
- Mountain Dew
- Red Bull
Under his bed and to his delight, he’ll find a snack caddy full of artisanal beef jerky.
Entertainment
Dad doesn’t want to miss Saturday Football to welcome their bundle of joy? No problem, The Pampered Papa has him covered! The Pampered Papa suite includes a 60″ television at the foot of the bed with surround sound. This definitely won’t disturb the exhausted mother or wake the baby. In addition to being packed with every sports channel there is, his favorite apps are loaded as well, including
- Netflix
- Hulu
- Porn Hub
Summary
We at Ehcuod L.L.C. realize it’s absolutely exhausting for men to watch their significant other give birth. Until now, no one recognized how taxing it is for men to bring a steady flow of ice chips to their wife or sit in a chair while she pushes a watermelon out of a very small coin purse. Since the dawn of time, society has worried about the comfort of the person giving birth. Ehcuod L.L.C. believes it’s time to put the focus on the dad!
So what did you think? I’ve sent the first draft to the CEO for him to look over and make changes.
Ok this is adorable! I might take out the part of the food making the mom nauseous, though haha! And also the line about missing Sunday football. Makes the dad seem a little cold and distant. I’ve never had to give birth so I’m not sure how the husbands feel but yeah, that might put a few people off. Does this tv come with wireless headphones? It definitely should
This isn’t real! This is for all the whiny men that complained about how “uncomfortable” they were while their wives gave birth. Any man that complains about how uncomfortable they were should be throat punched! 🙂
OOOOHHHH haha cos that actually sounds like a great program that whiny men would totally get behind!
Keep it all! It’s perfection!
LOL! Thank you! I would die if someone starts this!
Haha!!
I see what you did there…
Ha!! I was a little worried people might think this was real. If you choose to have children, warn your husband now that at no point shall he complain while you’re in labor and/or giving birth.
I think he already knows better than that. I am a redhead after all…
Oh Lord, my sister is a redhead too! Yeah, that would be smart of him.
LMAO.
I mean….could you imagine if this was a thing?
No I would be mad as hell really I’m doing all the work and you’re going to enjoy the perks
Oh I know! This was actually inspired by an ongoing joke about how my husband fell asleep while I gave birth. Now that he knows how ridiculous that was, he jokingly mentions it from time to time on “how hard” the labor was for him! 🙂
You had me for a second, and I was actually squirming in my seat so full of “good for her!” energy. Then I read on and the eyebrow (Husband is so familiar with it) went up… and up…
…and then I snorted sweet tea all over my keyboard at artisanal beef jerky. You’re gonna owe me a new keyboard at this rate 😉
LOL! I’m so sorry about your keyboard! I’ll buy you a new one if I ever become rich off this whole blogging thing. You know there’s some ass hole out there that has totally invented artisanal beef jerky! It probably goes with craft brews!