Lame Fortune Cookies

Is it just me or have fortunes cookies become really lame? Not the actual taste of the cookie though I’m not fond of the taste as it reminds me of an Italian pizzelle. If you’ve never had a pizzelle, allow me to paint a picture. It looks like a doile and tastes like one too.

No, I’m talking about the lame-ass fortunes inside, or lack thereof. Who is writing these things? Interns? Volunteers? Toddlers? Before fortunes became so bad, I’d like to think the fortunes were inscribed by an archaic Chinese man, living in the far East. He would dip his plume in a gold ink well and let the words come to him as he had the gift of foresight. He was only the instrument.

Then to make matters worse, you flip over the little fortune and it contains a website you can visit for a second fortune. I went to this site and you want to see what my online lame-ass fortune is?


What’s next? A fortune with a little kitty cat hanging from a rope with the caption, “Hang in There”? Who’s the motivational dick head that wrote the above “fortune”?

Here’s what I want, I want someone to pretend they’re psychic and make shit up. That’s all I want. I want you to pretend you’re the little, wise, blind (yes, he’s also blind now, I’ve decided), Chinese man and you futures and write about them. You pretend, I’ll pretend, everyone’s happy.

But maybe my Chinese restaurant had to go with a lower-end fortune cookie thanks to ass holes like us. I say that because they leave all the condiments, utensils and fortune cookies out for self-service.


Since probably 2005, their prices have never gone up. Whenever we pick-up the food, I get the exact same thing every time: Sweet and sour chicken with vegetable fried rice. It’s so huge it feeds my family of 4. Because I’m paying a lofty $10.62, I feel it’s my God-given right to take the following from the self-service station:

8 packets of soy sauce.

4 packs of chop sticks. 3 of which will be used for approximately 30 seconds till we realize we will never pick up rice with chop sticks and grab a fork. The 4th pack is for when I’m too damn lazy to go upstairs to get a hair tie so I use chop sticks to pull it back.

Enough napkins to host a party.

4 fortune cookies, none of which will be eaten. We just want whats inside.

I saved the fortunes from our last meal and here they are with my brief comment about them:

fortune cookies

  1. Ok Steve Jobs.
  2. Did you just run out of things to say? What if I’m allergic to shell-fish?
  3. What? Beauty doesn’t surround me now?
  4. What are you, my coach?

All I’m saying is the fortune cookie company needs to step up their game because “next time, order the shrimp” is NOT working.

Now it’s your turn. Have you ever received a great fortune? Do you keep your fortunes? Are you seeing really dumb ones too?



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