Back to School Shopping

Against my better judgement, we decided to shop for school supplies today. I had planned on going tomorrow however between painting our basement, a possible trip to Ikea, soccer practice and shaving my bikini area, we needed to go today. The reason I anticipated a cluster is that it’s a tax-free weekend here in Ohio. Our taxes are around 7.5% and that’s kinda huge when we spend on average $200 for school supplies.

As we pulled into the Target parking lot, there were 3 matching black Suburbans, all pulled up to the curb.

“Is a dignitary getting his school supplies?” I leaned over and asked the boys. To my surprise, they found this amusing.

Once in Target, I was pleased to find there were still carts available. Then I remembered that the ass holes place the back to school area, all the way to the farthest corner of the store. Though I love me some Target, I don’t appreciate having to walk to the ends of the Earth for dry erase markers.


Ok, can we talk about lockers for a second? In the 80’s and 90’s when I had a locker, I did invest in a locker answering machine. Here is an actual commercial for it:

You placed the answering machine on the inside of the door via suction cups. You were then given 3 activators that friends used to activate the answering machine. This proved futile however considering I was one of the most unpopular girls in school. After giving an activator to my BFF, the gay French teacher, Monsieur McMillan and the janitor, I eventually threw it out because it didn’t work.

Now, retailers are offering locker shit as if a 12-year-old is going to entertain 12 of her closest friends….in the locker. There are, and I shit you not, disco balls, pom-pom curtains and even….wait for it…..throw rugs. Don’t believe me? Boom!

throw rugBack to School Department

My God, when we turned the corner of the kitchen aisle to see the back to school department in the distance, my instincts were to just leave my cart in the middle of the aisle and run the other way.

Not only do they place it in about a 500 square foot area but everyone has a cart and it suddenly looks like the Los Angeles freeways at rush hour. It was so bad, I decided to leave my cart next to a display of seeds as that was not the main attraction here, get stuff then go back to my cart. Repeat.

Target decided it would be a good idea to place a hop scotch decal on the floor of an aisle. This was magnificently stupid as no one could now use this aisle with their carts because about 8 kids were taking turns hoping. Couple this with the granny on the motorized scooter watching the kids and you were forced to go around.

By the time we were done and at the check out lanes, you would have thought I had a prefrontal lobotomy. Like a zombie, I took the first line I saw but then we were asked to go to a different line because that attendant was closing down.

There were 2 Target women directing the  people in front of me as well as myself and honestly they were confusing me. I just looked at the one and said,

“Where do I go?”

She looked at me sympathetically, grabbed the front of my basket and said,

“Follow me, we’re going to lane 10.”

Her tone was almost patronizing but I was too spent to care. On my way to aisle 10 I past my friend/neighbor S. Her look told me everything, she too was feeling and that was ‘get me the fuck out of this madhouse!’

“This is drink inducing,” I said as I passed her.

“I know!” She agreed.

$166, a Starbucks tea and a basket full of supplies, we were on our way home. Though I love getting school supplies with my children, I alway forget the cluster it is.

For the moms and dads out there, have you gotten your supplies yet? Where do you go?





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