Jerk Kid Moves

Jerk Kid Moves

Tonight’s post was inspired by my 13-year-old. What did he do? He waited till after dinner, when there was a tornado watch to announce tomorrow is his Spanish food party. And he needs to bring in a 2-liter of soda.

“I’m getting you the nastiest, cheapest, grossest pop I can find,” I told him half-jokingly. He stayed somber with the slight twitch of the corner of his mouth.

“Feel free to slap him when I’m gone.” I said to my husband as I grabbed my purse to buy the 2-liter.

Because of this, here are some real ass hole kid moves that I’m sure all parents, caregivers and siblings to younger kids can relate to.

  1. Don’t wait till the 11th hour to announce you need a food product or beverage for school the very next day. We need at least 48 hours, 72 is ideal. We aren’t über Eats here. Your lucky you got Taco Tuesday.
  2. When you’re at the grocery store, don’t wait till we are on the other end of the store to announce you have to use the bathroom, located at the entrance. Oh, and you’re about to pee your pants.
  3. Quit trying to get out of personal hygiene. You want a girlfriend or boyfriend? Good personal hygiene is the bare minimum they will require. And if they don’t, they are disgusting and you shouldn’t date them.
  4. Don’t kick my chair ever. Not on a plane, a theater or in a car. Ever! This isn’t the back drop of Stomp.
  5. Don’t do this. We heard you the first 5 times. We are just using the next 5 times to figure out how to shut you up.
  6. When I say it’s time for bed. I did not say it’s time for the bathroom, a drink, a snack or a time to converse. You need to go to bed. Trust me, it’s for your own safety.
  7. When mommy says something is a secret, it’s a secret. It doesn’t mean you run to your dad and tell him in detail, about how much mommy’s new shoes cost. We were going to go under the guise of, “I’ve had these forever. You’ve never noticed?” You obviously blew that.
  8. Don’t be a dick about your macaroni-and-cheese. Just because it isn’t the right color of orange or didn’t come out of a box, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it.
  9. Upon learning of tonight’s dinner, do not throw your hands in the air and announce your hatred for the meal.
  10. Do not have a meltdown in public. You don’t know what a melt down is till your 2 months late on your mortgage, you owe God only knows to the IRS and your car is over 15-years-old. Just because I won’t buy you a stupid Batman shirt doesn’t mean you should throw yourself on the ground in a fit.

So these are some of my kids dick moves. What about you? I want to hear how your kids are complete ass holes on any given day. They don’t have to be your kids. Even if you are a teacher, I wanna hear how kids are ass holes in your neck of the woods!

 

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