Tonight’s post was inspired by my 13-year-old. What did he do? He waited till after dinner, when there was a tornado watch to announce tomorrow is his Spanish food party. And he needs to bring in a 2-liter of soda.
“I’m getting you the nastiest, cheapest, grossest pop I can find,” I told him half-jokingly. He stayed somber with the slight twitch of the corner of his mouth.
“Feel free to slap him when I’m gone.” I said to my husband as I grabbed my purse to buy the 2-liter.
Because of this, here are some real ass hole kid moves that I’m sure all parents, caregivers and siblings to younger kids can relate to.
- Don’t wait till the 11th hour to announce you need a food product or beverage for school the very next day. We need at least 48 hours, 72 is ideal. We aren’t über Eats here. Your lucky you got Taco Tuesday.
- When you’re at the grocery store, don’t wait till we are on the other end of the store to announce you have to use the bathroom, located at the entrance. Oh, and you’re about to pee your pants.
- Quit trying to get out of personal hygiene. You want a girlfriend or boyfriend? Good personal hygiene is the bare minimum they will require. And if they don’t, they are disgusting and you shouldn’t date them.
- Don’t kick my chair ever. Not on a plane, a theater or in a car. Ever! This isn’t the back drop of Stomp.
- Don’t do this. We heard you the first 5 times. We are just using the next 5 times to figure out how to shut you up.
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- When I say it’s time for bed. I did not say it’s time for the bathroom, a drink, a snack or a time to converse. You need to go to bed. Trust me, it’s for your own safety.
- When mommy says something is a secret, it’s a secret. It doesn’t mean you run to your dad and tell him in detail, about how much mommy’s new shoes cost. We were going to go under the guise of, “I’ve had these forever. You’ve never noticed?” You obviously blew that.
- Don’t be a dick about your macaroni-and-cheese. Just because it isn’t the right color of orange or didn’t come out of a box, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it.
- Upon learning of tonight’s dinner, do not throw your hands in the air and announce your hatred for the meal.
- Do not have a meltdown in public. You don’t know what a melt down is till your 2 months late on your mortgage, you owe God only knows to the IRS and your car is over 15-years-old. Just because I won’t buy you a stupid Batman shirt doesn’t mean you should throw yourself on the ground in a fit.
So these are some of my kids dick moves. What about you? I want to hear how your kids are complete ass holes on any given day. They don’t have to be your kids. Even if you are a teacher, I wanna hear how kids are ass holes in your neck of the woods!
Son, don’t Ever again say you’re desperate for the toilet when in an arena packed with thousands of people dancing. Do not wait until your aunt is terrified at the crush for the toilet where you have to go alone as the gig was her gift for your 13th birthday, just you and her … once you have been do not sneek out and stand two rows behind her … watching her meltdown at your absence. And if living is top of your list, never ever when your aunt is being comforted by security, tears snot and all manner of bodily fluids are escaping her face … chose that moment to shout ‘Boo! I was here all the time’ … My son … my traumatised niece who went on to never have children she says due to that one traumatic day out.
Well that just sounds horrible Ellen! So is this your son or nephew? I ask b/c we use “son” over here when talking to a boy in a firm manner, even if he isn’t your son. Anyway, if I lost my kid or really any kid I’m in charge of, I would have reacted exactly like you! Kids don’t realize what a jerk move these are!!! Ugh!
He is my son he really did all the above at a Michael Jackson concert. Can you imagine the crowds. I was Horrified.
That just added a whole other level of stress! A Michael Jackson concert? That is complete pandemonium!
Zzzactly.
I have fur children… does that count? To one in particular: STOP CHEWING HOLES IN MY LESS-THAN-A-YEAR-OLD PILLOW TOP MATTRESS!!! Oh, and stop waking me up at 3AM ’cause you have to pee. We take you out right before bedtime specifically for that reason asshole!
I’m done. Thanks for letting me rant. 🙂
Your welcome to come here to rant anytime! That’s terrible about the holes! I’d be threatening the pound with behavior like that!
Ah, memories.
*twitch*
I swear, mine gave me PTSD. And then? He’s got the nerve, at all of 18-years-and-4-months, to announce (from the safe distance of The Army) that “teenagers are assholes.”
I think I sprained an eyebrow on that one. Dr said he’s never seen anything like it.
Um so the last paragraph (number 11) came off as kind of rude though. Like you can have problems when your not an adult. You know what, your allowed to cry about it. School is very difficult, even more so than when you were a kid. Lot’s of teenagers have jobs, more teenagers now than ever have mental health problems, most teenagers are on the road to figuring things out. Such as ambitions, sexuality, hobbies, etc. Most teenagers don’t do half the things on this list, it’s usually the ones under 10 and if they’re that little they won’t know better to not announce that they have to go to the bathroom when they’re like 5. I’m not by any means saying that all kids are perfect angels but like damn. I know how difficult little kids can be, I teach them. I teach 7-8 year olds and 15-16 year olds.
Don’t think I’m saying that SOME of these things aren’t annoying though, because they are. I don’t have kids, but I work with them every day.
And you my friend deserve a medal! I always tell my sons’ teachers I don’t know how they do it every day! Like my landscaping, I know what I’m capable of. I don’t go out and buy $500 worth of flowers and bushes b/c they will be dead by Sunday. I have 2 kids and could never be a teacher b/c I know what I’m capable of. LOL!!
Thank you Sam for your thoughtful comment! What you’ll learn about my blog is I am very sarcastic and at times, whiny, but as a form of therapy. Please don’t take anything I say seriously. Unless it’s about giving me $100, then I am dead serious. LOL! And you are right, I’m thinking back to my sons when they were especially young (definitely not teens yet. That will unveil new topics to discuss). It was all tongue-in-cheek. I fully acknowledge the mentality at those ages and know it’s just a part of growing up. I get through the day whining about it and talking with others that have been there. 🙂