For readers that don’t have kids but considering them, read this post and think very carefully if you want to skip sleep and alone time for the next 18 years. And going to the bathroom will never guarantee alone time. For readers with grown kids and you have the house to yourself: WHATEVER AND I HATE YOU!
My youngest is 8 and still needs tucked in. Let me just say, his days are numbered, very numbered. Getting him to bed is on par with the rituals of ancient Egypt, mummifying a king. Sometimes I find myself laying my head against the cold wall, slowly banging it while he completes stall tactic #353.
In the summertime, we don’t have a bedtime for my 2 sons which qualifies us for our insane card. In lieu of watching Orange is the New Black or Fear the Walking Dead we are watching shows with what I would deduce carries a Rotten Tomatoes score of 2%. Just tonight we watched a movie on Netflix. The plot? The teenage boy had a special talent, food spews from his hands. While living with his grandmother, she was able to teach him to spew the right foods at the right times. Yes, this was the plot. Kill me now.
It is down right painful to get an 8-year-old to bed. Jim Gaffigan said it best when he said it’s like the opposite of a hostage negotiation. You’ll give them anything they want if they’ll just stay inside their rooms.
There have been times I’ve told my sons, “I’ll give you a million dollars if you just GO TO BED!” Here are the many excuses I’ve been told or asked in an attempt to stall bedtime.
Bedtime Excuses
- I need a snack
- I need something to drink (yeah really? So do I!)
- Mommy, feel this bump
- I need to go to the bathroom
- I have a growing pain
- Mommy, feel my head
- I need my chromebook
- Will you please turn my fan on
- I need my tablet
- I need my headphones
- Will you please turn on my lamp
- Why do I have to go to bed? It’s only 9 PM!
I really don’t remember negotiating bedtime with my parents. I believe it went something like this:
“Go to bed.”
“No.”
Swift spank on the ass.
“Roger that. Good night.”
Oh I hear you sista!!!!! My 12 year old is currently pushing his limits and the 9 year old…. well… words fail me some nights!
I mean it is soul sucking. Why do they resist sleep? I welcome and love sleep. Then the little one gets up at 7 am so we can do it all over again. It’s 9:22 am over here and he’s currently running, flinging his body on the sofa then rolling off. He’s been doing this for 5 minutes straight and I’m about to pull my hair out!
What is up with kids??!@
Their goal is to kill us.
Slowly… torturously…!
My kids are older but this doesn’t seem that long ago. And I’ve got nothing for you either, because when they’re old enough to drive, you’re awake until they get home at 2, 3, 4 in the morning so it really doesn’t get any better until they leave home 🙂 And then you still wake up at 3AM worrying about something…!
Oh great…so really there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Well, I’m going to drink now. J/k!
OMG, Ruth. In the midst of leaving a comment, I read yours. SO TRUE! Nobody tells you this. My daughter is 26. I am going on 100.
Your not supposed to tell me this! LOL! Your supposed to say, “Hot Mess, don’t listen to Ruth. It’s a piece of cake as they become teens then adults.” I’m doomed!!! LOL!!!
Yes, but doomed in the very best way (!)
Exactly! Wouldn’t trade it for the world!
Absolutely hilarious, and absolutely true. My favorite excuse from your list? “I need something to drink (yeah really? So do I!)” Anyway, I’m old enough to remember having a (very strongly enforced) bedtime. It was 8 o’clock, no matter WHAT, Young Lady. I think my parents (make that my Mom, because that’s who did the enforcing around my house) were strict Bedtime Enforcers because they had five, count ’em five, kids. No bedtime? Then bed-lam. That being said, it’s harder to enforce that one thinks. I remember doing a lot of reading under the covers by flashlight.
5 kids? Holy crap. I would just be drunk 24/7. And as I type this, I have my downstairs ear plugs in as my sons are screaming while playing Call of Duty. I’m not going to make it this weekend. Really, I’m not.
Haha! Right there with you. It’s my 5 year old that’s the worst culprit. 8 Year old wants to settle down by about 8.30pm, but his little brother wants the light on while he plays with Lego until 10pm. They share a room, so there is no getting around this. I am hoping it’s a “summer thing”, with the light evenings playing havoc with circadian rhythms. It wouldn’t be so bad if the small one slept in a bit in the morning, but no, he still gets up at 6.30am! 😮
And don’t you want to rip the faces off of parents that make statements like “Oh Jack goes to bed at 5:30 and sleeps till 10 the next day” or “Although Bella takes a 2 hour nap, she goes to bed at 7 and usually sleeps for 14 hours”. Another is when you are prepared to completely console a new mom b/c of the lack of sleep and they are like, “Charlie sleeps through the night, such a good baby”. Secretly you want them to experience what you experienced. Yes, I am going to hell.
See, I’ve always loved sleep. I would come home from kindergarten and say, “It’s time for my nap now,” or once it got dark, “Is it bedtime yet?” Which of course means when I have children someday, they will not sleep. Ever.
OMG…could you imagine if you had a nocturnal baby, completely opposite of you? How lucky were your parents? They probably have no idea how good they had it!
Eep! I do want kids, but I really love sleep!
I hope I can pop out some sleepy children like you Becca!
Sorry Josypheen, it’s one or the other. Choose! And you don’t want to be that parent that does have sleeping kids bc your friends will hate you. ???
Haha they did though, because then my sister came along, who asked my mom to write a note so she didn’t have to take naps at preschool!
Yes!!! The like button is back!!
Bed time here is the same. The 7 year old needs at least 3 stories, and I have to tuck her in and give her a kiss on the head (ok thats adorable), and she needs a cup of ice for story time and one for after. And she never wants to have a shower and then takes a million years under the water once she gets in. Its insane.
Oh and when you allow them to pick out a book they don’t pick out Giggle Giggle Bah or whatever its called. They pick out the classics and by classics I mean classic tortures which include Curious George or Dr. Seuss. Both no less than 50 pages.
Well I can’t get mad at them for picking Dr. Seuss since I brought it in my bag from home haha! But yeah – always the long books. Once I had like 5 minutes and she picked “cinderella” which was over 100 pages! OMG it took me over 20 minutes to read it.
Actually said out loud: “That is not a movie. You lie.
But mine is seventeen and a half next week, so you hate me… but I remember your pain!
Oh wow….so your past them fighting sleep, on to the “can’t get them out of bed” phase.
I make him sleep with a greyhound, door closed. The combined BO and gas forces them out after 8-10 hours, max. You won’t find that in any parenting book, but it works!
That’s pretty amazing! And freakin’ funny! LOL!
I’ve always gone to bed between 8-9. Even now, I’m usually in bed around 9pm, reading or Candy Crushing and asleep before 10pm. But then again, I usually wake around 7am; always have. Have you tried not letting them use any electronics after a certain time? Maybe they will realize how sleepy they are if they don’t have a screen in front of them.
Not using electronics? What’s that all about? LOL! If I took that away, they would literally be clueless on what to do next. Don’t get me wrong, they are very active children but come the evening, when everyone is winding down, it’s XBox 1 time, movie or tv time or Chromebook time. It is a good idea. You go to bed so early! But good for you!