I feel well-versed enough on the subject of ass hole drivers that I will write about them. I spend approximately 1 hour, 45 minutes a day in my car, commuting to and from work. I eat breakfast in my car, put makeup on and hell, sometimes I even blog in my car (via the microphone). All of this is only done when at a standstill as I don’t want to die while applying mascara.
Some people drive as if their main goal that day is to die. I don’t understand it. Who do they think they are? God? Like the seas are going to part and…oh wait…that was Moses, right? Well even then, you get what I’m trying to say here; they drive like maniacs. I’m bordering on a thin line of crazy here and my car has over 250,000 miles on it. One day I’m going to want my Corolla to meet her maker and they are going to be the grim reaper to help me do it. You feel me?
So below are the ass hole drivers I’ve encountered. I am in awe of their…what is it? Stupidity? Oblivion? Arrogance? A combination of several? I don’t know.
The Lane Master
This person glides like a swan,gracefully over to the middle lane then back. If they are in the middle lane of 3, they glide occasionally to the left and occasionally to the right. They are either texting, chatting with a passenger, can’t see over the steering wheel or oblivious to staying between two clearly marked lines on the highway.
The Ass Rider
I don’t know if this person is packing more testosterone than the norm but they need to CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Unless you have a pregnant woman in the passenger side about to give birth, DO NOT ride my ass! Nothing drives me more insane than this person. If I’m in the passing lane, I will get over but I can’t get over if a 53′ truck is next to me. It’s usually a knuckle-dragger in a black pick up truck that is 3 stories high or a teenager in some piece of shit car.
I’m not talking the responsible passer who turns on their turn signal and carefully passes in front of you. I’m talking the dick that practically takes off your bumper because they saw an opening in front of you the size of a smart car to pass their Hummer through. This has left me gasping in disbelief an accident didn’t occur.
This occurs occasionally via a truck driver from behind. He’ll honk once.
‘I’m not psychic. I do not know why you are honking at me. The tone and rate of your honk is not familiar to the non-trucking lifestyle.’
When this happens I think of that urban legend where a woman is driving in a car and she thinks a trucker is following her, flashing his lights but in reality she had a killer in her backseat and every time he was about to strike, the trucker flashed his lights on him to stop.
I always look in my backseat when I hear a honk.
If I waited in this stupid line to get on the next highway, your ass is waiting too. I wait in about a 1/2 mile long line to get on I-70 everyday. During this 1/2 mile, one lane is to merge into the main lane, feeding into I-70. Ass holes race up to the very last part of this ending lane and demand to merge into the main artery.
Not today Satan.
I then become the crazy ass hole that allows approximately 2″ from the bumper of the car in front of me ensuring that if this guy is coming into my lane, it won’t be in front of me and it won’t be on my watch. I don’t know if they think I look nice or something but all be damn if they are cutting in front of me. I’ve worked too damn hard to be up here and you aren’t getting in front ass hole.
Oh My God, I’m An Ass Hole Driver
Oh my God, reading that last paragraph I’ve realized I’ve become an ass hole driver. But in my defense, I think it’s only during the lane weaseler’s attempt to get in front of me. Yes, this is how I will justify this.