When I started my job last year, I discovered ants in my cubicle about 3 weeks into the job. They called an exterminater and eventually they were gone.
Total Ant Annihilation
Today, those little ass holes turned up again. Below is a timeline of my interaction with them and my attempts to murder them.
10:00 am- I grab a tissue and declare it the ant graveyard. I am the grim reaper of ants! For the next 7 hours, I kill 20-30 ants and leave their carcasses on the tissue for display, thinking this will deter them if they see their fallen brethrens. Unfortunately, it looked like a snot rag to anyone that stopped by.
12:00 pm- I must hold my leftover pizza while eating as I can’t put it down on my desk thanks to the ant party happening next to my mouse.
12:15 pm- I develop what I feel is a full-proof plan to trap all the ants, in all the land. I flip over 2 pieces of tape to expose the sticky side, and sprinkle crumbs of my pizza on it for bate. I even ensure the little pieces are tiny enough for their mouths.
2:00 pm- Not 1 fuckin’ ant, not one. I change tactics as I notice the majority of the ants are coming via the crack in my desk. Pulling out a long piece of tape, I tape the crack. I picture all these ants coming to what they think is the surface of their city, but it’s not. It’s my tape. Your caught in the crack motha’ fucka’.
3:07 pm- I’m considering medieval tactics. I honestly consider grabbing a box of toothpicks and for every ant that crosses my desk, I kill it then put their little bodies on the toothpick and display the toothpick as a warning to all future ants. Barbaric but this is the world we live in now.
4:30 pm- I’m bat shit crazy. I’ve had to navigate a typical busy Monday, guard my food like it was about to be roofied and kill every ant that walks by. It’s marshall law now bitches.
I announce to all the ants……
ANY ANT THAT CHOOSES TO WALK ON MY DESK WILL BE TAPED IMMEDIATELY TO MY DESK. I WILL GRAB A PIECE OF TAPE AND TAPE YOU TO THE SURFACE OF MY DESK AND WATCH YOU SUFFOCATE. DON’T FUCK WITH ME.
And for the next 30 minutes, that’s exactly what I did. I taped them to my desk like an absolute crazy person. Fortunately, no one came over to see this. By now, all the ants have had time to meet and decide on their tactics for Tuesday and how they plan to taunt me. All I have to say is bring it bitches, I’m bringing in my OFF clip tomorrow.