I Suck at Maintenance

There I said it. I suck at all things maintenance. My doctor said it has something to do with my ADD and maybe that’t the truth. I just get frustrated. Please tell me someone out there finds any of this a struggle.

1. Filters. Oh my God, how many f’ing filters can there be? Air filter, water filter, Dirt Devil filter, fridge filter, some sort of car filter….the list seems endless.
2. Cleaning trash cans. Apparently you should clean out your trash can occasionally. I did not know this. I finally broke down and replaced our kitchen trash can after about 15 years. Once I discovered we were growing a new form of life at the bottom, I knew something needed to be done before it crawled out and attacked us.
3. Keeping up with relationships. This is the worst and especially difficult, especially because I find talking on the phone a challenge. I hate talking on the phone. Nothing infuriates me more when someone calls me just because they are driving home from work. Just because you can’t find anything on the radio doesn’t justify me as your entertainment for 25 minutes.
4. Christmas cards. Every year I buy Christmas cards thinking ‘Oh my God, people are going to love these!’ As each weekend comes and goes before Christmas, I find myself putting it off and putting it off. 3 days before Christmas I am doing the math: ‘well if I send them now, they’ll get them by Christmas eve since most people live nearby.
5. Baby books. The same cliche applies: your really good with the first kid’s baby book then it all goes down the shitter with the second. Admittingly, I never filled out when they lost their teeth, hell it’s still happening. For the oldest I just made up random dates and put them by the bicuspid and the cupid teeth.
6. Home maintenance such as checking the fire alarm (I know…I know), all filters mentioned above, or pulling crap from under the bed/sofa and vacuuming (by the way, does anyone else have trouble spelling vacuuming?). Again, growing new life forms with the dust and dirt.
7. Updates on my phone and computer. After throwing my phone across the room for an app not working, I usually have a epiphany and realize I haven’t checked for updates in 6 months.
8. Tags for my car. This is just stupid and a money maker. I have to pay $30 some dollars for a stupid sticker to confirm my car is registered. Annually there is a period between my birthday in December and now where I pass a police car and say to myself ‘oh my God, oh my God! This is it, I’m going to get a fine for this stupid sticker.’

What I need is a P.A. or Personal Assistant. Swear to God, if I ever came into money that would be like the first thing I would spring for. I wouldn’t want Martha Stewart as she would just look at me in disdain each day because of my non existent maintenance schedule. I would prefer someone like Flava Flav; equally a hot mess but has a clock around his neck so at least he could keep me on schedule.