F*** It, I’m Giving Myself Props

Let me first say, I feel like a failure ALL-THE-TIME. I feel like I’m never doing well enough as a parent or a wife. I feel like I suck financially and have a life style on par with Mama June.

So when I drove home today on my 50 minute commute, with ample time to think, I had a moment of clarity. I’m like, “fuck it, I got this!”

When I reviewed everything I had done in just one day, I was pretty proud. Now that I sit here, banging out this post, I’m going to brag. Here is what I accomplished in just 1 day. And all you Martha Stewarts, you can suck it!

5:00 A.M.

“FUCK!” I exclaim.

I jump out of bed, praying my nocturnal 8-year-old, scratch that, my now 9-year-old, wasn’t awake. By the grace of God, he was still asleep. C had wanted his stupid elf on the shelf in a jar so he could take it to school. For you lucky ones that don’t understand the worst thing to happen to the holidays since the Peanuts gang, let me clue you in. A bored housewife at one point thought it would be a good idea to create the Elf on the Shelf. A decade later, we are forced to move this thing EVERY GOD DAMN NIGHT! It’s creepy ass face, just stares at you. Here it is in the stupid jar.

7:00-8:00 A.M.

I put together a pot roast. Here is the recipe, should you want a crock pot recipe that isn’t horrible to make. In addition to this, I put together pasta salad that I’m sure is laced with crack-coccaine. There have been times I’ve been drunk, grabbed the bowl of this amazing pasta salad and eat it out of the community bowl, sliding down the fridge in complete orgasm. Because I’m a saint, it’s sitting in my work fridge right now because I took it to share with everyone.

8:20 A.M.

I have 3 children (only 1 is mine), all under the age of 10 in my car waiting for the bus to come. At 8:25, my neighbor says she heard the bus and she will watch the 3 boys for the remainder of the time since she is a stay-at-home and I have to drive to Mars for work. I slow down and push all 3 out of the car.

“Tuck and roll boys! Tuck and roll!”

9 A.M to 4:40 P.M.

I work. Head down and workin’ like a mo’fo. I don’t bull shit at work. I work. Case closed.

4:40 P.M.

I haul ass to Sams Club to get my son the pillow he wants. I lost my membership card and after 10 minutes of standing behind a woman in a shopping car wheel-chair, seeing that there is just 1 turtle behind the customer service desk, I realize I will not get out before the year 2020. I take my temporary card into Sam’s Club to the sales floor, only to find they no longer have the stupid pillow my son wants.

I go next door to the place I loathe the most- Walmart. After dodging 3-4 Walmart babies, complete with kool-aid mustaches, I eventually find the pillow my son wanted. I then go through the wrapping paper aisle to find an over-sized bag to place the pillow in since normal wrapping won’t work.

$34.84 later, I’m out the door with a final gift for my son, adequately wrapped. This is in addition to a cell phone case that turned out to be a sticker we will be returning. Please also note the pillow and the case wasn’t his only gifts. On Saturday, he received the following from us:

• An Iphone 6s
• Nike Sweatshirt
• X-box 1 controller cover

To Sum It Up

I killed it. There are some parents that don’t send out their hand written invites till 48 hours before a sleep over. This always baffles me. I had this shit planned a month ago. So yeah, I may feel like a failure for a week or a month, but I killed it today.