Today I ordered Subway online and 15 minutes later I hopped in the car to go grab it. As I drove up to the street that leads out of our development, figures began to appear up ahead. Some were only 4′ while a couple must have been my height. 2 pulled something behind them.
‘OH…MY….GOD!’ I thought in my head but out loud I exclaimed, “it’s the daughters of satan!”
Girl Scouts. And it wasn’t just 1 girl scout. It was the entire fuckin’ troop and they had infiltrated the neighborhood. I thought this was my friend’s territory since her daughter is a girl scout. Obviously I was wrong.
When I returned home, I made sure to alert my family.
“Boys, the girl scouts are in the neighborhood selling….” I stopped mid-sentence to take in their giddy grins. “Don’t look at me like that. They have cookies and I can’t eat those things when I’m tryin’ to lose weight for L.A.”
“Yeah but 1 box,” P started.
“No! No cookies!” I interrupted. “Now go lock the door in case they roll up.”
After Lunch
I forgot about the threat and headed up stairs to finish cleaning. I peered out my bedroom window, hiding behind the drapes while I ensured the homestead was safe.
“Nothing,” I said with a sigh of relief.
Because my 9-year-old’s cleaning skills are on par with a TLC Hoarder, I said I would help him clean his room, and so I did for the next 45 minutes. Just as I was removing a Lil’ Debbie nutty bar from the ass of a Build a Bear, wearing a karate uniform, I heard the doorbell ring.
“Don’t answer that!” I yelled down. It was too late however. In a last-ditch effort to obtain “the cookie”, P opened the door. He knew I wouldn’t openly beat him in front of a girl scout, hence the daring move.
“Oh mooooommmmm…..” he yelled up in a sing-song voice. “It’s a girl scout!”
“Damn it!” I said under my breath. I pulled the clip out of my hair, shook my hair and began descending downstairs.
“Daughters of satan,” I hissed under my breath as I stomped down each step. I immediately switched the frustration to a big fat, fake smile and flung open the door. Before me was a darling, sweet 10-year-old girl smiling. I looked over her shoulder to see a neighbor I recognized along with another smiling mom. Great, I know the mom. Now I have to buy the stupid cookies.
“Ummmm, would you like to buy some girl scout cookies? The smores and samoas are $5 while the rest of the cookies,” she inhaled a deep breath as she was talking so fast she struggled to get all her words out, “are $4. Would you like to buy some?”
And so the cookie negotiations began.
“Ok, I’ll take 1 box of Samoans, I mean Samoas, not the people. I don’t want people. And lemme see what my husband wants,” I said as I left the girl scout out front. 30 seconds later I returned.
“Ok, my husband wants those fudge stripped cookies,” I said. They looked at me funny. Did I commit a cookie faux pas?
“I don’t think those are girl scout cookies,” one of the moms yelled over. You could tell she felt sorry for my stupidity. “I think those are Keeblers,” she said.
“You know, I think your right. Oh my God, he wants a store-bought cookie,” I said, acting appalled. “What do you have that is chocolate and peanut butter?”
She pulled out a box of Tagalongs and Do-si-dos.
“Ok, can I borrow these for a sec? I want to show my husband.” She obliged and I walked in and stood in front of my husband and his soccer game.
“Ok, the cookies you want are store-bought. I asked for something that is peanut butter and chocolate and they gave me Tagalongs,” I said as I held the box in front of him. “They’re really good. I’ve had them. They also had do-si-dos,” I said as I presented the second box. “Do-si-dos have peanut butter and oatmeal….ok definitely not the Do-si-dos.” My husband and I have a mutual understanding that oatmeal has no business being in a cookie and the minute I saw oatmeal, I knew it was a deal breaker. We settled on 2 boxes of Tagalongs.
Dealer
I walked back out to my porch. The girl scout was still there but now 2 leaders along with one of the wagons were in the street. I shit you not, a black car with tinted windows had driven up, stopped and had their window down. The girl scouts were performing a drive by cookie deal, in front of my home.
“Wow, it’s an actual drive by,” I yelled over to one of the moms sarcastically. She fake laughed me, completely focused on gaining a new follower in the cookie deal. Pissed at being ignored, I yelled over,
“And this is why I always say my dealer is 4′ tall
Epilogue
Here is this evening’s text with a mother of my son’s friend:
So glad we don’t get this here! I’d be the size of a house… because who can resist Cookies??!!
I know! Right? And you don’t even half to go to the store. Those little minions deliver them right to you.
Lucky!! ?
Canada they only have 2 types in the summer – maple and chocolate. In the winter they sell the chocolate covered mint thins. I’m a glutard but damn I miss maple. And mint thins.
Thin mints are popular in the states. I just want a girl scout to duct tape girl scout cookies to my thighs as that would save us all a lot of time.
We don’t have them here in Australia either…lucky!! 😉
And that is why half of America is fat. Hey, that’s what we could do to end the obesity epidemic. Place all the girl scouts on a boat and ship them to Australia. In 6 months, ya’ll will be as fat as us!
???
You’re so thoughtful ??
You know it girl! I’ll ship all 400, 000 tween girls down there, just for you!
Thankfully the only girl scout cookies I like are the thin mints! And the girls aren’t allowed to go door to door here anymore for safety reasons MWAHAHAHAHA
Here in America, we prefer to traffic our children, to make a buck anyway we can. My God, the houses I sold cookies to as a 9 year old. How was I not kidnapped, now working in a Bangladeshi massage parlor by now?
HAHA! Oh yes same here! Although, maybe the door to door rule is only for school fundraisers? I’m not sure…but maybe not because I had to take the kids out to sell chocolate bars in the fall…hmmms now I’m all confused.
I’m glad you went with the kids to sell the bars. I wouldn’t allow my kids to go door to door these days given the weirdos in the world now. You take such good care of those kids and I hope the parents realize that!
Well the mom asked me to go so I kind of had to haha but it was fun!! I would have volunteered anyways lol and I hope they do too. Even if we do have some bad days, I hope they see how much I really do care for their kids
And that is why you are kind!
Awww ?
They don’t go door to door here, it’s mostly just parents who take the sheets to their workplace now. Maybe I’m a total jerk, but I don’t feel bad saying no politely, learning to receive a no is part of life! I also don’t like their cookies… (I pretty much just eat homemade now)
Have you ever had a Samoa? It’s like little baby angels made them. And you aren’t a jerk bc I always (almost) say no when they pop up at a grocery store.
Sooooo I don’t like coconut so they make me very upset haha
You know, a lot of people out there don’t like coconut, you’re not alone!
Oh that’s hysterical. Yep anyone bringing anything sweet to my door is truly evil! Great post.
Thank you! They look adorable but so are baby tigers.
I am safe from the Daughters of Satan here in Germany. However, I am not safe from myself when walking anywhere here…..there are bakeries on every corner……..
In my mind, that is even worse then girl scout cookies b/c I’m guessing these baked goods are made from scratch. I’m looking at a box of girl scout cookies and here are a few of the “natural” ingredients” soy lecithin, invert sugar and thiamin mononitrate. I don’t even know what any of this is!
Yep, everything is fresh, local made. Amazing, and hard to stay away from
I can’t even imagine. When I went to France, I loved the croissants!
Oh yes. I am hoping to make a trip to France, and I plan to eat everything that I see!
Especially the baguettes and cheese. OMG!!!
You just reminded me I’m running low on Thin Mints—thanks. Husband, who is the one who has to run out for them (the Daughters in our area know they’ve got us hooked and can sit in their homes and wait for addicts to come to them, no lie) today, is less pleased with you right now.
Please tell your husband I am so sorry for bringing up the topic and now he has to make a trip to the local Cook house. I’m calling the addiction being hooked on the cook. Did you see my twitter response to you when you retweeted this? That was the image running through my head when you talked about it. LOL! My addiction is the Samoas. You know in 25 years they’ll find trace amounts of coccaine in the chocolate.
I’ve got a dining room table full of cookie boxes that I’m trying to get up the motivation to go deliver. They just might sit there for another week until people start harrassing me
Believe in the power of the cook! You don’t need to deliver those things! Text them. They’ll have them off your table within 12 hours. Shit, give me your address. I’ll have them off your table in 12 hours. We bougth 3 boxes of cookies Saturday morning. We are down to 1 box and the only reason that one still exists is my husband has deemed that his box of cookies. Otherwise, that thing would look like a car on cinder blocks.
???? now think of them all being slightly older and you teach 20 of them at least. They start raising their hands and you think, “yes! I’ve made an impression! Questions about our musical craft, I will impart… oh. Cookies. No, I promised someone in 1st period. No, I can’t afford another box. No, my family can trade breakfast cereal for cookies this month.”
OMG….they’ve infilltrated the school system? That is a sacred place of learning and they are trying to get you hooked on the cook? NNOOOO! Remember what Nancy Reagan said: JUST SAY NO! That’s gotta suck having them ask you to buy the cookies.
And they act so betrayed because I was captured by someone else first. I used to have girls waiting for me when I got to my classroom at 7:25! They are dedicated, I’ll give them that!!
It’s funny b/c as you read the side of the box, apparently selling girl scout cookies is supposed to teach girls the following: goal setting, decision making, money management, people skills and business ethics. In my mind, it’s teaching them to beg for money, sometimes on street corners. Hmmm…….
You have a point. Where I live it’s become all about the cookie. I was in scouts, we didn’t earn badges, we planned to sell cookies. That was our focus. Our leader wasn’t in it for bettering us but using us for prestige and whatever local perks she received for having the most sales- I don’t know if it was physical perks it may have just simply been bragging rights. I was sold this idea of friendship, learning to be a to learn to be confident woman and I was taught how to manipulate using my looks, age, and gender. I know that’s not scouts everywhere but man, I was in it for the badges I never got… and I didn’t even last a year…. which wasn’t the avenue your post was taking but when you went to the darker side I felt compelled to share!
I loved that you shared this! That is so crappy about your troop. Who does that? Additionally, I was shocked when I looked on the girl scout box and do you know what one of the 3 primary badges are? Good Credit, I shit you not. Teaching girls how to establish good credit. Out of all the things girls face these days: school shootings. bullies, self-esteem, they have one of the 3 badges prominently displayed on the box as the good credit badge. Who’s running this show? Suzi Orman?
That’s crazy! Good credit?! I am pretty sure that I learned how to balance a checkbook in Girl Scouts when I was a kid… and write checks too. Let me ask the scout master’s wife if the cub scouts or boys scouts learn this stuff… she said the Boy Scouts might. It’s a good thing, but they should focus on other things, just as you said! Times have changed!
I mean seriously! It just caught me off guard.
It doesn’t seem very scouty, so understand. It’s very 50’s. I do remember camping and such badges in my book (scout book) but as I said we never did those. So glad girls can join Boy Scouts now, for whatever reason!
Funny you shoul say that. My son nominated me to be a scout leader once and I actually did it. I HATED IT! Here is part 1 of 2 parts should you want some extra reading: https://hotmessmemoir.com/2016/02/09/my-son-nominated-me-to-be-a-scout-leader-part-1/
I must go look! ? Thanks!