My Dealer is 3′ Tall

Girl Scout Cookies

Over the past few years I’ve resisted the temptation to indulge in recreational cookies. About this time every year I see the girls, standing on the street corners, in front of JoAnn Fabric or Target pushing the cookie.

Some are pushin’ Tagalongs while others only deal in Thin Mints. The Scout Leader just stands behind them like ‘You know you want this bitch.’

And these girls are unapologetically adorable. They hold nothing back to move boxes of the cookie.

“Miss, would you like to buy a box of cookies to help me?” Cue Puss in Boots cute face.

I have resisted their charms till 2 weeks ago. Not only did a co-worker send out a group e-mail asking if anyone would like to buy a box but that same day I get a text from my friend, whose daughter is selling. God damn it.

Friend: A is selling girl scout cookies. Do you want to buy any?

Me: Yes, I would like a box of Samoans.

Friend: Samoans?

Me: Yes, whatever they are called. Of course not the people. I’m not going to ask for a box of people. It’s those cookies with chocolate and coconut.

Friend: You mean Samoas?

Me: Probably.

A week later, I am sitting on 4 boxes of cookies- 2 from work and 2 from my friend. 3 of the boxes are Samoas while the 4th box is the Tagalongs. And dear God, I see why these are so popular. It’s like little baby angels made them.

Here is why Girl Scout Cookies are completely and utterly wrong!

  1. I think these cookies have been $4 since 1980. Inflation has had little to no effect on the price of Girl Scout cookies. Like crack cocaine, more people are hooked because it’s cheaper than say if you were to hit up Cheryl’s cookies. Don’t even get me started about Cheryl.
  2. You can’t escape Girl Scouts. They are in front of EVERY place of business, not to mention your neighborhood as well as your place of employment. Of course if you don’t either buy a box or have a convincing story that you’ve already supported another troop, you come off looking like the ass hole.
  3. Your thighs and stomach will NOT be amused after an entire box of cookies. They just won’t be. If anything, you are now a little fatter thanks to your friendly, neighborhood girl scout.

You know who really gets screwed here with the direct sales? Boy Scouts. What the hell with Boy Scouts? Do you know what they sell? Pop corn. Yes pop corn. And it’s not in a fancy tin or dipped in a special sauce. It’s that same microwavable kind but it’s $15 a box! Yes, $15! $15 vs. $4, tell me who’s going to win this race?

Never Share

So today around 3 I suddenly got the craving for a snack.

‘Girl Scout Cookies!’ I thought as I pulled my file cabinet drawer open. ‘That’s funny, these are awfully light.’ I thought as I gently shook the box up and down. I pull out the plastic sleeve only to discover there were only 3 left. I instantly regretted offering a cookie to my co-worker. She was going to take one, I was going to take one and all I would be left with would be 1 stupid cookie. This simply wasn’t going to work for me.

I marched over to my co-worker, completely disappointed she had left for the day. Disappointed, I went back to my desk and typed out the following text to my friend:

girl scout cookie pusher

I got a cookie on my back and its name is THIN MINT!

So you guys have a cookie addiction? Is your cookie dealer’s name Brittney or Amy?



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