My experience has been that some of the cutest girls are the absolute grossest. From an arm’s length, everyone thinks these girls/women are perfect. For example, I have an adorable friend that documents things like her baby’s vomit or the syringe of drainage that was taken from a lump. Unfortunately, my teacup Chihuahua is no different.
My Chihuahua Lulu would fall into this bracket- adorable yet gross. She looks like a dainty little flower yet has the manners of an inbred hillbilly. She doesn’t give AF about anyone or anything. I want to be like, “Lu, you’ve been here for almost 6 months. You should still be acting like a guest in this house. Don’t make me send you back to the Amish!”
Below I’ve outlined her grossest habits. Now, before the SJW’s comment that I need to correct these behaviors or that it’s “normal”, just save it, I know this. This is a comedy site and we laugh so calm down.
She Eats Her Own Shit
Today as I was walking her, I tried to look on the bright side of her eating her shit. No joke, here’s what went through my head,
‘Maybe I’ll save money by her constantly recycling her food. Would this be considered clean eating?’
It’s so gross, especially when I find out after the fact she gave my husband kisses…on the lips.
Pisses on Our Bed
Lulu is an equal opportunist when it comes to pissing. I was told the littler the dog, the more difficult it is to housebreak them. I can confirm it’s 100% the truth. In addition to pissing on the floor, she’ll piss on the sofa, ottoman and yes, our bed. Like a battered woman, I’m going to say the pissing on the bed 2 days ago was my fault. I waited too long in the morning (7 am) to take her out. Because my adulting hasn’t made it to buying a mattress protector yet….well, you do the math.
Attempts to Eat Everything
This is the smallest dog I’ve ever had. What I never thought about was the additional opportunities she has to eat dangerous things. Her mouth is so small, I find myself pulling her away from cracks in the floor and on sidewalks. We now have mushrooms in our yard and I’m scared she’s going to poison herself.
Lulu Humps Everything!
This is the nastiest of all her habits. I guess when I see an innocent, little, teacup Chihuahua, I don’t think she’s prone to humping things. But Lulu does.
What’s hilarious is she has these stuffed animals that are the same size as she is. She’ll mount her Easter chick, move to the dragon and finish with her Koala. She then repeats the cycle 2-3 times. After a long day at work, I’m just like, “have at it girl.”
Last week, I got a video of it and it was a priceless gem. Why? It wasn’t the humping that was funny, it was what she did at the end. Wait for it….
Now all of this being said, I love her to death! She’s full of energy, smart, loving, nibby and social! I even made her own TikTok channel called Lulu the TikTok. As you might imagine, it’s about as good as a 45-year-old could do, being new to TikTok. Anyway, check out Lulu in action here. Needless to say I won’t be adding the humping video.