Review Of 50 Shades Darker- Hot Mess Style

I have no idea how to fucking review a movie. I don’t know if there is an art or science to it. All I know is I am 4 glasses in to my black box cabernet, not counting the 9 ounces I paid $10 for at the movies. Since I was the DD, I was responsible and allowed my friend to drink an 8 gallon drum of Long Island Ice Tea she ordered while I stayed with my modest 9 ounces.

“He looks like a fairy,” I said about the theater bar tender. I immediately felt the need to elaborate, digging a bigger hole. “Not fairy in the sense of gay but in the sense of Game of Thrones, like he has fairy ears or something.” I immediately shut the hell up after 2 gay women fell in line behind us at the snack stand. I wasn’t about to get my ass beaten from a misunderstanding.

“$4.25 for a water? Which size? Well, is that the cheapest?” I asked, holding my 9 ounces of wine at snack stand #2. Seriously, on the menu it’s listed as either 6 ounces or 9 ounces of wine. I’ve NEVER seen the weight listed but you have to respect their honesty. I knew the wine would blow but I’m about to see a hottie, so who cares. Am I right?

So, as we reclined in our dream loungers or what I would like to refer to as our “wet dream loungers”, here is my take on the movie:

I have spent an IMMENSE amount of time on this book. Like, I am in my 4th listening of it. I know, #FirstWorldProblems, listening to the book via audible.com during my commutes. I caught myself screaming in my head several times tonight during the movie,

‘THAT’S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED! MAKE IT RIGHT! THAT’S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED!’

And I get it. You have roughly 2 hours and you have to squeeze 14 hours into 2 hours but God damn it, that’s not how it happened!

The music was my jam. Oh my God, I am such a nerdy white girl. “The music was my jam?” What am I even trying to say? Sorry. Anyway, the music was really good. I’m embarrassed I even liked a number (yes, I’m that nerd that I called it a “number” like I am on a U.S.O tour of the 1940’s). Again, the music nailed it.

Next issue: this is a personal thing but oh my God, he (Jamie) was sucking on her boobs, I shit you not. Now look, I get if you are a crack horror with daddy issues and you are high as a kite when filming your porn but when you are creating a main stream movie, I don’t understand. If I were Jamie’s wife I’d be like “oh hell no….” I just don’t understand how you could let multiple people see you do that but then again, I do live close to the country so maybe that has impacted my views?

My next topic is going to sound super shallow and you can all hate after I say this. I am going to sound horrible after I say this but this is me being honest. Dakota isn’t pretty enough. There I said it; come get my head. If she were meh but witty, it would be one thing but she isn’t funny and plain so it’s not plausible she would end up with such a Greek God. That leads me to the chemistry or lack there of. I was hoping the chemistry would come about, maybe they were 2 opposites, coming together for some stupid reason like Applebee’s happy hour but it just never happened. That doesn’t even make sense. I guess what I’m trying to say is they weren’t believable past a 1 night stand.

So that is my honest, drunk take on the sit. And do you know what my drunk ass did? I already googled, FIFTY SHADES FREED 2018! Then proceeded to go to YouTube, praying for just a teaser trailer of part 3.

I AM THE WORST!  Truly, I am a nightmare and you need to form your own opinion on the stupid movie!