10 Ways To Be a Decent Human Being on Halloween

God I love making these decent human being lists, I really do. I’ve made them for texting, emailing, the restroom and on the airplane to name just a few. I love writing1.  these because not only is it cathartic but I’d like to think we are making the oblivious just a little less oblivious. It’s like the etiquette teachings of Emily Post but without the newspaper and stuffiness. So sit back, grab a glass of wine and let’s review how to be a decent human being on Halloween.

Treats

Under no circumstances do you hand out the following during beggars night: popcorn balls, pennies or apples. Perhaps you grew up in a third world country but this neighborhood didn’t. I’d even throw in those Wendy’s certificates for a free frosty. Those things are what? 99 cents? I think we’ve got that covered grandma.

Taking More than One

When handing out trick or treat candy, I wouldn’t say I’m territorial with the candy we pass out, but I will call you out if you try to take more than one piece. Ok, let’s be real, I once grabbed the hand of a child that lowered his hand into our candy cauldron, like one of those claw machines. Oh come on guys, he was going to take at least 4 pieces and it’s the principal. After my sister shot me a death look, I eased up on my grip around his hand.

Adults Trick-or-Treating

I have a really hard time with grown-ass adults trick-or-treating. Now I don’t know if these are just homeless people who are hungry or what but it pisses me off when they clearly don’t have children with them and they think this is acceptable. If you are older than 15, do not come to my door.

Not Wearing a Costume to Trick-or-Treat

It’s really simple, if you’re 15 or younger and have a costume, you’re going to get a treat. Hell, throw a bedsheet over your head. But if you’re too cool to dress up then you’re too cool to get chocolate. Don’t bother me.

Running Like a Bat Out of Hell

In years past, my sons would run from house to house like it was the Goddamn Hunger Games. After just an hour, we would find we had walked past roughly 200 of the 230 homes in our neighborhood and they couldn’t figure out why they’re tired.

It’s Your Candy

After running around the entire neighborhood and collecting enough candy to fill up 2/3 of a pillowcase, this is about the time children complain about the weight of their candy and ask mom or dad to carry it. Look, you signed up for this deal, not me. Just because you still have a soft spot on the top of your head, doesn’t mean you can’t carry your own damn candy.

Go to the Bathroom

Once you are the farthest from your home, this is the point in time children need to pee and they need to pee at that very second. This is also the year they selected a costume that takes thirty minutes to get on and thirty minutes to remove. On more than one occasion, my sons have peed in their costumes as we make the half-mile trek, back to our home. It’s like neighborhoods need port-o-johns stationed throughout the neighborhood.

Thank You

Don’t be an ass hole and not say thank you. God this drives me insane. I don’t care if your kid can only speak two words. Those two words should be thank you. And don’t get me started on the kids that not only attempt to take more than one piece of candy but then walk away without a thank you.

Smoking During Trick-or-Treat

Really? You can’t go an hour, maybe an hour and a half without a cigarette? All ages of children running around and you have a cigarette hanging out of your mouth? Classy.

Ditching

Look Captain America, ya’ll gonna get a piece of candy. Don’t ditch! This faux pas is courtesy of my 10-year-old, Carter. I’ve seen this a million times and you want to be like CALM DOWN KID!

So there you have it folks! Another how to be a decent human being in the books! Enjoy Halloween with family and friends! I hope you get lots of candy….ahem….your kid gets lots of candy that you can eat after they go to bed!