I have committed to growing my Instagram account for Hot Mess Memoir now that I have Pinterest moving along nicely. But what I can’t get behind, are all of these women that post picture after picture of themselves. They always have the same pose, looking like they’re having the time of their lives. And who’s taking all of these pictures anyway? Her children? Her spouse? Has the spouse just given up and was like, “well she’s pretty so I guess that makes this worth it?”
I know you have to follow people to grow your account and it’s nice to reciprocate when someone has followed you. I learned the hard way though because several of the people I followed back are posers. Now when I look at my feed, every f’ing post is of them in an outfit and it’s always the same 2-3 poses. Is that their Blue Steel? Their Magnum? So now when someone follows me, I make sure it’s someone who has interesting content.
How narcissistic do you have to be to post pic after pic of yourself every single day? And not just your standard picture where you are looking at the camera. No, these bitches are workin’ it. And look, maybe this is their income. Maybe this is why they have 20k followers and I’m just a babbling idiot. But sometimes I’ll read their bio and them posting pics of themselves has nothing to do with their blog, business, etc.
So today we are going to have fun with these posers. I’m not blurring out their faces because obviously this was public first on Instagram so game on.
The Instagram Standard Poses
Like this is always the pose these posers use when taking their selfie. Am I right? Did they go to some modeling school to learn this? It’s kind of comical now that I look from left to right because they look like they are teaching us dance steps.
What the Fuck Are They Looking At?
This is my question, always. They are always looking anywhere but the camera and nine times out of ten they have either 1 or all of the following: a jacket (even when it’s 85), a handbag on their arm and sunglasses. Like putting together a complete outfit is something our little tiny brains aren’t capable of but they are gifted and must show us.
The Gym Selfies
Look at the woman in the back. She’s totally mocking her!
I just shake my head at the gym pictures. And it’s not just Instagram. There’s a girl I’m friends with on Facebook that bless her heart, lost a ton of weight. But if I see one more f’ing selfie of her ass in yoga pants, she will be unfriended.
This chick needs a cheeseburger.
Or you have the random selfie in the locker room which I think is ridiculously rude considering people change there. I don’t want ANYONE to see me at the gym. You know what I wore to the gym today? A t-shirt that showed a slice of pizza as a super hero and read: EAT PIZZA, SAVE LIVES. I’m not wearing false eyelashes and extensions to the gym.
Children as Props
You could accuse so many people of this yet they would never admit it. Hell, they’ve probably told themselves it’s not true but come on. When everyone is perfectly color coordinated, sometimes right down to the furniture, you just want to poke your eyeballs out. Gimme a break. This is not real life yet all these social media darlings love the baby on the hip pose.
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- Look at the kid in the background. You know he’s glaring at his brother.
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- Why is this baby even in the pic? We all know who she wants us to look at.
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- This is ridiculous. Even the sofa is coordinated.
What the Hell is This Woman Laughing At?
An Imaginary Photo Shoot
An Imaginary Photo ShootHere’s how I think the conversation went between this woman (we’ll call her Marianna) and her husband Bob:
Marianna: I’m going to turn around and face the bank so you can photograph me. Make sure to get my ass and my fake purse.
Bob: Marianna, I only have 15 minutes left on my lunch and I haven’t eaten yet.
Marianna: Just do it! I’ve only posted 4 pictures of myself today and I need 5! 5 is the golden ticket. You want me, I mean us, to be famous one day, right?
Bob: (under his breath) I want you to get an actual job.
Marianna: What was that?
Bob: I wish this was my actual job.
Before and After Weight Loss
Before and After Weight LossI’ve saved the best for last. I saw this when researching the gym portion of this post and knew I had to share. I have so, so many questions:
- Why do you look like you’ve gained weight? Assuming the right picture is the “after”.
- Why are you in your underwear for this?
- If you knew your lady parts would be exposed, again, why don’t you have clothes on?
- Why the flower? Once you realized your panties were see-through, was it less effort to just cover it up with a black flower in lieu of putting clothes on?
- Normally before and afters are reserved for the beginning and the end of your weight-loss journey. Were you only looking to lose 5.8 pounds?
So that is all I have for you now. Am I the only one that is annoyed by posers? Does it seem uber narcissistic to you? I want to hear your thoughts!
I know what you mean about this, some IG accounts are all this. One comment on the first baby picture, she’s left the baby on the bed which is a big no no because guess what? They fall off and hurt themselves!
Didn’t even think of that but your right. She’s so hell bent on taking a picture of herself “cute” and the baby is just hanging out there. Babies have a way of falling backwards and off of things.
This is it, babies always fall back and that kid is going of the bed!
This is why I’m super glad I only follow people I know on Instagram haha and like a small handful of celebrities lol But my thing is the Instagram stories – like a few people I know will only post in the stories and they should have just made a regular post instead. That’s annoying.
What’s the difference? I don’t understand what a story is vs a post. I have sooo much to learn obviously.
A story is like a little video type thing and it only stays on for like 24 hours or something. I guess like snap chat?
Oh, ok. Then they must not have much of an Instagram footprint if they only do the story thing.
Yeah it’s weird lol
This made me laugh! I love the dance steps in the first one and I agree, it’s so narcissistic to post endless selfies. Just off to check I’ve not done any of these on my insta account 🙂
I’m so glad this made you laugh! I wonder why this went to spam! Sorry for the delay in responding, I don’t always check my spam folder. Anyway, that made me laugh that you are checking your IG account to ensure your not a poser. Full disclosure, I did the same thing before posting this post! LOL!
I’m apparently going to spam a lot lately! Not sure why but I’m happy to be released. Glad to hear you also checked out your profile first ?
I had too! But yes, you are released from spam and may you never go there again!
I don’t have instagram and based on this, it looks like I’m not missing much. Regarding the last pic- I agree with all your points and also: if you’re going to take a full length picture, maybe clean your surroundings so you don’t look like an actual pig in a pig-sty.
Yeah, you won’t go to your death bed regretting not having Instagram. In the history of all mankind, there better not be anyone that puts Instagram on their bucket list. And I agree, clean yo’ self up and clean up your surroundings. Oh….and maybe wait for the before and afters when you hit 10 pounds.
How are those your only questions for that last one? Because what I really want to know (other than seriously, honey, were all the stores out of booty shorts? Because they cover next to nothing except what you had to slap that flower over!) is why, if she was stripping down for the insta-photo anyway, did she not bother to pick up at least the stuff that was going to be in frame? Look, my house is basically never clean. I mean, I’m looking around and realizing I either need a new podcast or a few bonus episodes of My Favorite Murder because that’s the only way anything gets cleaned around here, but if I’m taking a photo I at least make sure there’s not a pile of laundry in the shot. Or a… is that a sponge roller? So many questions!
(BTW, I know I’m not alone in this. Why do you think so many of their carefully posed photos are along a wall or in the corner of a room? It’s because that’s the picture perfect zone! The rest of their apartment is shitty and full of empty Amazon boxes and crap from their latest “haul”)
OMG….your right. I also feel like the pictures are outside, in front of a garage. I guess lighting and usually a white background? Some of these people….SMH……
Hilarious!
Thank you! I felt it needed addressed!