Let me be clear, I absolutely love Pinterest. I find life hacks there. I go to Pinterest when I want to laugh at funny memes. If I want ideas on how to decorate or gift giving ideas, that’s my go to. It’s easy to get lost down the rabbit hole that is Pinterest.
But like Wal-Mart, Pinterest is open to everyone, including idiots. Some of the children’s “crafts” or “activities” leave me shaking my head. Pinterest is open to the over achieving moms of the world as well as the so-called “experts”. Bored women find themselves creating elaborate wreaths that are so huge, you can no longer close your storm door because a tulle nightmare is blocking it.
So I’ve decided to fight back and discuss some of the ridiculous, over the top kids activities, crafts and birthdays. After gathering the below ideas, I’ve deduced the women that posted these have either waaaayyyy too much time on their hands, have never met an actual child, are horribly bored or find new ways to burn through money. Let’s get started.
DIY Summer Frozen Pops
You know as well as I do that 50% of the ice lands on the sidewalk. I say sidewalk because you’re sure as shit not eating that in my house. What makes you think the ice and plastic need a dust bag? This isn’t a Louis Vuitton. So what if their little hands get cold. Mine did and guess what? I still have all my digits. Also, you can’t wash those things and you know as well as I do that sticky ice will drop all over them. D-
Pre-teen and Teen Activities
Today I took a few minutes to scroll through Pinterest to look for activities to do while we are inevitably snowed in this weekend. For the 10-year-old, it’s pretty easy. He doesn’t think I’m stupid and everything I do is horrible. The 13-year-old is another story. That being said, I came across this long list of activities for a pre-teen or teen.
Make puppets? Collect leaves and rocks? Make a lemonade stand? My teen is orders $200 shoes only to resell online for a profit of $600. You think he’s gonna want to make a cool $5 for 6 hours worth of work? Practice cartwheels? I just can’t get over some of these ideas. Has this person met a pre-teen or teenager? Or at least a teen in 2019, not 1895? My son listens to music that makes me want to curl up in fetal position, rocking back and forth, sucking my thumb. My 10-year-old laughs at jokes he shouldn’t get. This had to be written by the Amish. F (do your homework)
Over the Top 1st Birthdays
When Carter turned one a decade ago, I thought I was pretty crafty having a Winter Onederland theme. I look on Pinterest and these birthdays are just obnoxious. If this is for the kid’s 1st birthday, how will the parents celebrate the sweet 16? Bestow them an island?
Ok first, this baby is adorbs! And those thighs! I just want to squeeze them. But the wreath? You can tell she’s looking at her mother like “what the fuck ma’? What the fuck?”
Remember folks, this child has been on the Earth for 12 months. That’s it. And she has embossed, personalized napkins at her first birthday? These are the type of parents that buy a brand new Mercedes for their child when they turn 16.
I’m sorry, is this a bridal party table or a one-year-old’s birthday? You can’t even see the damn baby. She’s just part of the decoration. This is just so damn contrived/over the top! C (Because you are an over-achiever. Feel blessed, that’s the best grade I’ve given yet)
Pringle Drums
It’s an unwritten rule that at no point will you give your child or anyone else’s child an instrument that is capable of being louder than the actual child. This is also true for moon sand, silly putty and slime. When a friend bought my son moon sand for his birthday one year, I looked at her and said, “seriously Beth, why would you do that? Why would you bring that into our home? Paybacks a bitch because your daughter’s birthday is in 4 months.”
First of all, these fat asses had to eat that many Pringles just to get the “drum” then they strap them all together with electrical tape. Congratulations parents! Your child is on his way to being a hobo on the street corners of NYC, playing his Pringle cans for tips. Well done. D
Airplane Busy Bag for Toddlers
Look at this thing! It’s a God damn swag bag! I think I saw them handing this out at the Oscars last year. There’s waaayyyy too much happening here. Besides, toddlers are like cats. You’ll buy them all the toys in the world but at the end of the day all they want to do is play with a Coke cap.
You want to know how I kept my kids well-behaved for a 6 hour trip to Washington D.C.? I bribed them with Dollar Tree toys at the top of every hour. For a combined total of $24 dollar, I had one of the most peaceful road trips of my life. Don’t look at me! I could have said Dramamine. D+
Ah, this has been so much fun writing this! Do you see what I mean though? Whenever something is horribly contrived, I am so turned off. Half this shit isn’t for the kid, it’s the parent showing off.
Look what I can do.
Look how much I love my child.
I must love my child more than you as I made a robot for their lunch out of a Capri sun and twizzlers.
Pulleeeezzzzeeeee………..
haha! Oh pinterest! I was reading over the list of things for pre-teen and teens to do and I’m thinking of all my kids and the girls would be ok with a lot more than the boy would. Last week we made sock puppets! (I almost ranted about them right now…this is not the place! lol) The girls loved it! The boy was forced into it and hated every minute.
My summer trick for “frozen fingers” take a paper towel, and wrap it around the bottom. BOOM, done! AND it doubles to wipe sticky fingers and mouths afterwards.
If I ever have kids, the first birthday and Christmas will be the smallest things possible. It’s not like the kid will even remember or know what’s going on, so what’s the point?!
Exactly T! And that’s what I’m talking about! These parents aren’t having it for the baby, it’s for them and their friends. It’s them saying, “look at what an amazing parent I am because Cajon has embossed napkins.” Pulleeezzeee! And you’re right! The paper towel around the popsickles is one of the best parenting hacks ever. Whenever you have kids, I can tell already you are going to be an amazing mom!
Awww thanks Angela! xoxo! Pinterest has been suggesting baby names for me all weekend and I found one that I L-O-V-E so now I need a baby to name it haha but boys are stupid so I must wait lol
Are you keeping the name a secret or can you divulge?
Lol! It’s Waverly – Idk how long it will last as a good name in my mind but I saw it a few days ago and I’ve been in love ever since!
Ok, I absolutely love, love, love that name for so many reasons. It’s elegant, kinda preppy in my mind. And you may hate this but we always seem to shorten our kids names (Cart for Carter; Park for Parker) so I think calling her Wave would be adorable. Yes! You need a little girl now! I guess it could be a boys name too??
See at first I thought of it for a boy, my fav Christmas movie has a General Waverly, and I mentioned it in a blog yesterday and they said it would be perfect for a girl instead and now I’m like “well whatever pops out of my hoo-haw is going to be a Waverly” lol I never thought of shortening it to Wave! Ely maybe. Omg I love it so much more now ?
OMG can you imagine “mom, dad, this is my new boyfriend Wave” AAAAAHHHHHH ?
This is hilarious! Especially the freezy pop sleeves. Who honestly has the time to do all that stuff??? I must be a serious underachiever…
Oh well ?
Join the club friend! And you know what? I don’t care. We love our kids and they know that! Half of these people are just bored! I’m so glad you liked my post! 🙂
Ha ha! I love your attitude!
Right what part of… at one or two you could wake on Friday the 13th and shout “whey it is your bitrthday.” Bake a homemade cake, re wrap the Christmas presents that were too much, like toys that were a bit to grown up at Xmas or clothes that were too big. The ones you hid so she/he did not become overwhelmmed. That child would be thrilled you would not be tearing your hair out wondering where the money would come from and anyone who wants to give on her/real birthday can do so. The infants Do Not Care Or Know! Elaborate, expensive parties … teach greed and are for parents to show off for theiir own gratification. Nuff said!
Well said Ellen! Well said! These kids are NEVER going to remember this and as you said, it’s just for the adults, like “look at the kind of party I can throw….even for a 1-year-old. It’s posh and cute at the same time.” Gimme a break! You know the other stupid thing I’ve seen tons of parents do and it leaves me scratching my head? Taking babies or toddlers to Disney World. For the cost of a trip to Disney World, you could buy a used car!
Or an unused copy edit of your book that could one day make me at least forever happy.
Awe….thank you!!!