As I sit here and type this, my 13-year-old has shown me a large lump in his ear. This is the second time he’s gotten a zit the size of those red balls in front of Target. Dutifully, I query “large bump in ear” on Google. And dutifully, Google comes back with the most grotesque, worst-case scenario, my eyes can’t unsee what I’ve just seen images. Why do we do this to ourselves and why doesn’t Google ease us into the images where a zit has overtaken half of someone’s head?
But we’re not here to discuss acne. That’s for another day. We’re here to discuss losing 9 pounds in about 2 months. Usually, I prepare myself to lose weight. This can come in the form of a gym membership, an entire new wardrobe of workout clothes that will be used 1-2 times or reinstating my Weight Watchers account. In addition to all of the above, I’d go out with a bang the weekend prior to the Monday start date. I’d eat like a 400-pound man that’s been trapped underground for 2-weeks. No food or drink is ever out of the question. If I’m going to live like a POW for the next few weeks, I’m going to have several, delicious meals.
This time was different and not even planned. I had avoided the scales for months. One day I said “fuck it”, took off all my clothes including my wedding ring and watch and stepped on the scale. 160 pounds! It wasn’t then I announced any lifestyle changes. I just took in the new weight in absolute disbelief.
Tiny Fitness Changes
Going to the gym is an annoyance to me. I hate having to put workout clothes on, drive 15 minutes away, kick my ass on the treadmill or elliptical then will myself to do even more exercises on the weight machines. I hate wanting to use a machine only to have some fat ass decide they will use that machine to sit on while taking a 15-minute phone call with a friend. And when I do anything that involves my glutes, I have to say a prayer to the sweet baby Jesus that I will not fart. I spend almost as much time in the car as I do at the gym.
A few months ago, I had an idea. I got on my Planet Fitness app and found online exercises. I’ve never been a fan of online exercises, especially on my phone since it’s small. But then I noticed there were several 5-minute workouts.
‘I could do a 5-minute workout,’ I thought to myself.
This is when it occurred to me: any and every movement counts. Just because I did four 5-minute workouts at different parts of the day, didn’t mean I didn’t actually do 20 minutes of exercise. When I needed a break from work, I’d get up and do either a 5 or 10-minute workout. I found the stability ball I had never used in my closet and dusted off the 5-pound weights from the basement. I didn’t need workout clothes since I work from home and could do it in my jammies if I wanted.
Since October, I’ve tried to get in at least 15 minutes a day of working out throughout the day. My problem with working out is I have the attention of a goldfish. I get bored because I don’t like what I’m doing. Five-minute workouts end too quickly for me to be bored. It’s like I finally cracked the code for me personally.
3-Meat Pizza
Do you know I turned down a 3 meat, extra cheese pizza last night for a salad? It was the first time in my life to do something like that and it was painful. Why? I found a book that is quickly changing how I look at food. Sure, it makes it sound like almost everything, including fruit isn’t good for us but I’m understanding better why the food we eat, ages us. Much of it is over my head but I understand enough that I’m changing my eating habits. Hell, I’m seriously considering a period of fasting. However to do this, I’m convinced I will need to be placed in a padded room for 72 hours or strapped to a bed. I know me and I don’t think I’m strong enough yet to say no to food for 3 days without alienating myself from family, friends and strangers.
How I Changed My Eating Habits
So what have I been eating lately? I’m sad to say, my daily lattes have been the first to go, a feat that does give me hope for fasting. If you told me a year ago I would go multiple days without a latte, I’d tell you to fuck off. Now I grab a bottle of water and a 15-calorie drink mix. This saves a couple hundred calories, daily.
I eat plain, fat-free Greek yogurt with walnuts, honey and blueberries every morning. I think this has been one of the most beneficial things. The book I spoke about earlier essentially says, the wellness of your body all comes down to your gut and what is advantageous to that area.
For lunch, I used to eat a frozen meal or a ham sandwich. Now I’m eating a salad with a simple, homemade dressing. I top it with either goat cheese or parmesan and if I’m going the sweet route, sliced apple and walnuts.
Tiny Changes
So unlike other times, I just kinda’ started doing things slightly differently without the usual, useless preparations. Remember Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump? He finally found contentment, jumped off the boat and swam away. I don’t know, I kind of feel like that’s what I did. I hope to lose more weight and I honestly don’t have a final weight in mind, as long as the scales continue to go down.
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