An Open Letter to the School Board to Send the Kids Back to School

An Open Letter to the School Board, 

On behalf of all parents, I would like to have an open and honest conversation with you on the children going back to school in the Fall. We fully understand there is a lot of uncertainty about what the right thing to do is. Many experts claim that not going back to school causes more harm than good to children. I would also like to make the argument that it’s detrimental for the parents as well. 

Day Drinking

In the Spring, local grocery stores operated with very little product. There were days I was using a brand of syrup I’ve never used or my sons were drinking lemonade Capri Sun as opposed to their typical grape. I know, first world problems. But there were two items completely bare for an extended period of time: toilet paper and wine. 

Were people drinking wine on the toilet? Maybe. 

For the first time in my life, I considered day drinking, especially the last week of school. That week, my son managed to cram 6-weeks of work into just 5 days. We did dioramas, videos and I helped him prepare for make-up tests that he was never sick for. One day, he was supposed to be reading a chapter his teacher had assigned but instead, chose to text someone. As I stared at him giggling at his phone, I looked back at my mounting emails and felt somewhat broken inside. I was putting in a solid 8 hours of office work while being the most useless instructor on Earth. 

I had visions of secretly pouring wine into my metal water bottle. No one would ever know. Vowing that this pandemic wouldn’t turn me into an alcoholic, I decided to go down to the basement and scream into a pillow instead. 

We are Making These Kids Dumber

See, I don’t even know if that header is proper English. I’m not qualified to teach in any way, shape, or form. I once gifted a teacher a glass that said the following: Sorry if my child is the reason you drink! I get it! 

These kids are dumber because of us. This would be like asking someone from 1923 to open up a laptop and to find Google. These kids have questions that I don’t know how to answer and most parents don’t either. I don’t know how to measure with anything other than inches or feet. I haven’t added, divided or multiplied fractions in probably 25 years. I didn’t Goodwill Hunt my way out of the situation. I’d say it was more of a Forest Gump with Google scenario. 

Teachers Will Benefit This School Year

If there ever was a time that teachers are appreciated, this is the year. Normally when it’s teacher appreciation week, I handle it the same way I handle volunteer requests for the classroom, by deleting the email. 

This year? We will be consulting with Oprah for teachers’ gifts. A new car? An all-expense-paid trip? Nothing is too extravagant enough for what they deal with, every day. And I had just one child to teach, one! And he almost failed! Twenty students? That’s on par with walking on glass or a colonoscopy. 

Gentle Board Members, I plead with you in this letter, let the children go back to school. I don’t care if you have to make little plexiglass cubicles around every desk. Hell, I’ll supply the plexiglass. Please take them back! As a group, we will never think or say that we can do a better job again. We can’t and this Spring has taught us that. 

Gratefully Yours, 

The Parents