My Issues With The Apocalypse

Well, election day has passed and obviously we were all a little shocked at the results. As I look up to the t.v. and see Don Lemon pointing to the background, I see several young people on a NYC transit bus, holding signs and screaming in protest. I would venture to guess, they voted for Hillary.

So, as Trump falls asleep with border guards dancing in his head and Clinton is chasing an Ambien and Zoloft with a glass of Pinot Grigio; I am left to wonder if the apocalypse is near. Given that my 40th birthday is just weeks away, they’re gonna need to keep that shit (the apocalypse) in check till it’s celebrated as my sister, S, is planning a surprise for me.

The apocalypse isn’t going to work for me. I thought long and hard on this for 7 minutes and yep, it can’t happen as I can barely get by in 2016, let alone a Little House on the Prairie scenario. I decided to compile a list of reasons why I will not survive any sort of apocalyptic setting:

I can barely survive a non-renovated Hampton Inn– I lost it in Kentucky when I had to stay in a Hampton Inn down by the river. If the room still has a bed spread that covers the pillows or no-name toiletries (or Neutrogena toiletries), the world has ended.

There are days that only a Starbucks Barista can make it all better– Look, there better be a mid-twenty something, bearded hipster (man bun optional) with a green Starbucks apron, holding my grande vanilla latte when times get tough. I don’t care if Tina Turner comes out and starts singing she doesn’t need another hero, Theo the Barista better have my coffee ready even if I didn’t pre-order it on my now non-existent Starbuck app.

My family will starve, even if I have provisions in the pantry– If pizza, Bob Evans take out or a drive thru are no longer an option, there may be 1 night a week we starve. God forbid we fire up the stove and fix ramen noodles or open up the Dole Ultimate Caesar Salad Kit and pour all the contents in a bowl.

What do we do when the wine/beer/liquor runs out? I mean, I’ve seen MSNBC’s Lock Up a million times and I’ve seen alcohol made in the toilet, but they didn’t show the recipe after the show was over or direct me to a website to obtain the recipe. First of all, that would require cooking which is a handicap for me. Second, if the recipe doesn’t come on at the end of the show, allrecipes.com would no longer be available so where in the hell am I going to get a hooch recipe? Ironic that a few of my ancestors were bootleggers.

I’m going to need to learn how to ride a horse– If you’ve read my blog for a while, you’ll find this ironic considering I was blacklisted at work for not owning, renting or renting to own a horse as a boot buyer for a Southwestern company. The closest I’ve ever gotten to horses was the My Little Pony collection I once I kept. Additionally, I struggle when I’m at a shopping center and the store I’m at on one end is 8 stores down from the next store I need to go to. Do I drive?

What the hell am I going to pack in my son’s lunches? Lunchables won’t be available. Hell, I don’t even know how to make bread for PB&J’s! Can you make Goldfish? And what do you replace Capri Suns with? I mean, Capri Suns are a fucking staple in the tradition of lunch making.

Additional things I would have to probably learn/get used to: 

  • How to start a fire without a bic fire starter….and using a grill.
  • How to entertain myself without blogging, Netflix, Amazon, the Internet, Tweeting, Facebooking, Instagram, Email and texting. Notice I didn’t say calling people on the phone? It’s the times I tell you!
  • My sons and husband will have to entertain themselves without: X Box 1, Instagram, texting, Netflix, candy crush, ESPN, Facebook and the use of tablets.
  • Washing our clothes in the pond?? That just hit me hard. And what do I do after Tide and my Tide pods are gone?
  • Mowing. We don’t even mow enough with a riding lawn mower, let alone a manual lawn mower. Yes, they do exist. My neighbor in the 80’s had one. They also went to London as a family of 4 with 1 suitcase. They were hippies.

In conclusion, start canning shit (oh my God, I don’t even know how to do that!), collecting water and print off that hooch recipe. We may need it!

 

 

 

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