Well, election day has passed and obviously we were all a little shocked at the results. As I look up to the t.v. and see Don Lemon pointing to the background, I see several young people on a NYC transit bus, holding signs and screaming in protest. I would venture to guess, they voted for Hillary.
So, as Trump falls asleep with border guards dancing in his head and Clinton is chasing an Ambien and Zoloft with a glass of Pinot Grigio; I am left to wonder if the apocalypse is near. Given that my 40th birthday is just weeks away, they’re gonna need to keep that shit (the apocalypse) in check till it’s celebrated as my sister, S, is planning a surprise for me.
The apocalypse isn’t going to work for me. I thought long and hard on this for 7 minutes and yep, it can’t happen as I can barely get by in 2016, let alone a Little House on the Prairie scenario. I decided to compile a list of reasons why I will not survive any sort of apocalyptic setting:
I can barely survive a non-renovated Hampton Inn– I lost it in Kentucky when I had to stay in a Hampton Inn down by the river. If the room still has a bed spread that covers the pillows or no-name toiletries (or Neutrogena toiletries), the world has ended.
There are days that only a Starbucks Barista can make it all better– Look, there better be a mid-twenty something, bearded hipster (man bun optional) with a green Starbucks apron, holding my grande vanilla latte when times get tough. I don’t care if Tina Turner comes out and starts singing she doesn’t need another hero, Theo the Barista better have my coffee ready even if I didn’t pre-order it on my now non-existent Starbuck app.
My family will starve, even if I have provisions in the pantry– If pizza, Bob Evans take out or a drive thru are no longer an option, there may be 1 night a week we starve. God forbid we fire up the stove and fix ramen noodles or open up the Dole Ultimate Caesar Salad Kit and pour all the contents in a bowl.
What do we do when the wine/beer/liquor runs out? I mean, I’ve seen MSNBC’s Lock Up a million times and I’ve seen alcohol made in the toilet, but they didn’t show the recipe after the show was over or direct me to a website to obtain the recipe. First of all, that would require cooking which is a handicap for me. Second, if the recipe doesn’t come on at the end of the show, allrecipes.com would no longer be available so where in the hell am I going to get a hooch recipe? Ironic that a few of my ancestors were bootleggers.
I’m going to need to learn how to ride a horse– If you’ve read my blog for a while, you’ll find this ironic considering I was blacklisted at work for not owning, renting or renting to own a horse as a boot buyer for a Southwestern company. The closest I’ve ever gotten to horses was the My Little Pony collection I once I kept. Additionally, I struggle when I’m at a shopping center and the store I’m at on one end is 8 stores down from the next store I need to go to. Do I drive?
What the hell am I going to pack in my son’s lunches? Lunchables won’t be available. Hell, I don’t even know how to make bread for PB&J’s! Can you make Goldfish? And what do you replace Capri Suns with? I mean, Capri Suns are a fucking staple in the tradition of lunch making.
Additional things I would have to probably learn/get used to:
- How to start a fire without a bic fire starter….and using a grill.
- How to entertain myself without blogging, Netflix, Amazon, the Internet, Tweeting, Facebooking, Instagram, Email and texting. Notice I didn’t say calling people on the phone? It’s the times I tell you!
- My sons and husband will have to entertain themselves without: X Box 1, Instagram, texting, Netflix, candy crush, ESPN, Facebook and the use of tablets.
- Washing our clothes in the pond?? That just hit me hard. And what do I do after Tide and my Tide pods are gone?
- Mowing. We don’t even mow enough with a riding lawn mower, let alone a manual lawn mower. Yes, they do exist. My neighbor in the 80’s had one. They also went to London as a family of 4 with 1 suitcase. They were hippies.
In conclusion, start canning shit (oh my God, I don’t even know how to do that!), collecting water and print off that hooch recipe. We may need it!
A few tips from a semi-country girl: Riding a horse is kind of easy. Just make sure your saddle is straight and it’s on tight enough. Feeling like you’re sliding off the edge sucks and it sends you into panic mode.
Starting a fire without a fire starter: cotton balls and vaseline! Dip the cotton ball into vaseline, strike a rock on another rock to get a spark – you should be good to go!
Washing without tide pods: sand! Rub sand all over that. AND it makes a great exfoliant for your face when you run out of store bought products. Just don’t rub TOO hard, you’ll hurt your face.
If it’s the apocalypse, I think it will be ok not to mow your lawn. No one will care. BUT it could be great entertainment for the husband and children to send them out with rulers and a pair of scissors to cut the grass to appropriate length. That should keep them occupied for AT LEAST a day or 4 depending on the size of your lawn. Make it a game or a race! Challenge the competitiveness of it. And bonus: it will need to be done again in a week. Never ending fun!
For your son’s lunches: I think school will probably be cancelled. Who needs to know math in the apocalypse? No one, that’s who! Keep the kids home and train them to revert back into cavemen: hunting and gathering skills are key.
😉
I love when I write up an entire response only for it to NOT to post because the internet went out. Blah! I responded that you are always a wealth of information however you are overestimating my horse knowledge as I don’t even know how to approach the horse the right away. Brilliant about the cotton balls and vasoline. As for cleaning with sand, I just thought about something: I would then have that awful feeling you get at the beach where sand is all over you. I also don’t have any sand but maybe I could get some around Lake Erie on my way over to Canada via the lake?? 😉
Haha! Oh no!!! I do that too sometimes! Or I’ll be on my phone replying to comments and don’t quite hit the “send” button and then a few hours later I realize that the comment hasn’t sent and then I just forget it because I don’t want to be the creepy person who likes a comment and then 5 hours later “goes back” and comments lol.
I am a wealth of information! It comes from camping with my family and with a church group and then being a leader at the church group camp. Fun times. Hmms I may be underestimating my knowledge of horses as well. I have only rode the ones at those farms where they just follow the trails and the other horses? Haha! I just go where they tell me to. And yes, Lake Erie will have sand for you! 🙂
Yeah, I would get on one that would throw me off knowing my luck!
Oh no! I did have one that decided to run instead of trot. That wasnt a fun experience haha