The Funniest Doctor on Earth

Let me tell you, I absolutely love my doctor. She has been my doctor for probably over a decade now. I love her because she is understanding and takes precious time to ask you questions and understand how everything in your life could affect your health. We can now add funniest doctor to her medicine bag too.

The Change

The symptom is that Aunt Flo has decided to stop visiting me. I’ll be 42 next month so though a slim possibility, I could be going through “the change”. And while we are on the topic of “the change”, let’s talk about it. Why is “the change” such a bad thing? Why does it sound like the next horror flick? Like, “The Purge” you have….

followed by the sequel….

No more periods? Ummm, yes please!

At the Doctors

So I made an appointment with Dr. A. and was seen yesterday. As always, the nurse took my vitals and exited the room. She then returned and asked that I pee in a cup for a pregnancy test.

“Well that’s ridiculous,” I started. “That won’t be necessary, trust me.”

“Yeah, well, she wants you to,” the nurse responded. Guys, I won’t go into detail but me being pregnant is about as likely as Weight Watchers deeming red wine to be on the 0 point list.

Reluctantly, I took the cup and headed to the bathroom. The act of urine catching has always annoyed me. Wherever you place the cup, you’ll aim over it or behind it, never in it. Unlike guys who actually have a handle and can aim perfectly (ironic, I know) we ladies have to guess and usually piss all over our hand. As instructed, I placed my cup on the back of the commode and headed back to my room.

Five minutes later Dr. A. walked in.

“Was the urine test really necessary?” I asked.

“Oh honey, it was positive.”

I froze.

“Positive? What does that mean?” I asked slowly. Honestly, the whole positive test or negative test thing has always confused me. I guess because when something comes up negative that’s good but negative generally means bad and postive….you get what I’m saying.

“You’re pregnant,” she continued.

I am beyond grateful that I was sitting down because the room began to spin and my heartbeat went through the roof.

“Pregnant? Nooo!” I blurted. “That’s impossible!” I whined breathlessly. My panic was reaching a fever pitch. I looked at her for some sort of explanation. After what seemed like minutes she announced,

“You’re not pregnant!” She squealed, hitting the air down with her palm. “I was just kidding! I wouldn’t have said that if I knew this was gonna be your reaction.”

Suddenly the fog of light-headedness was sucked away as my clarity came back.

“OH MY GOD! YOU.ARE.EVIL!” I gushed with a crazy, what-the-fuck just happened chuckle, pointing my finger at her. “PURRRRE EVIL!”

“I know,” she agreed.

She knows me and the pranks I love to pull, especially on my sons. That prank right there was so huge…..I would say it would cover April Fools day from 2019, all the way to 2025.

P.S. I had my blood drawn and I’m not going through “the change” nor any thyroid issues. We are giving it another month then I’ll have additional tests.