Have I mentioned how much I hate working out? I absolutely hate it. Some people talk about a “runner’s high” on the treadmill. I have yet to experience that. Nor do I don’t look forward to “leg day” or “ab day”. I’m not saying I want to be sitting on the couch, looking like Jabah the Hut; but for fuck’s sake, there has to be an easier (cheat) way of doing this (Ozempic?).
I’ve gotten into the habit of going to the gym 3 times a week, despite the Jabah in me, trying to explain why lying on the couch would be so much better. If I’m going to make the effort, I’m gonna bitch about some of the oblivious people that go to my gym. Sure, it’s not an Equinox gym, it’s Planet Fitness. But in my mind, these faux pas are on par with farting in public so I’m callin’em out. If I can’t stand to be in the gym, I want my 45-60 minutes not to be annoying while there. Let’s get started.
Talking on the Phone
Who are you talking to? Do you not live in 2025? Have the rules not been explained? You are to loathe talking on your phone, unless it’s an emergency. And even then, 50% of the reason to call in lieu of texting is debatable. I’m probably older than most of my readers and I still get this rule.
So when people are within 5’ of me, talking on their phone, I want to pull my hair (and theirs) out. About 2 weeks ago, a tall black dude was on the treadmill next to me. The only available treadmill was next to him. Like toilet stall etiquette, you are to skip a treadmill and only pick a treadmill next to a person if that’s all that’s left. It’s important to mention I switch every other workout with the ellipticall. Given I find the elliptical twice as hard, no way in hell was I gonna waste a day on that devil machine.
I swear I really, really tried to keep my composure. I wanted nothing more than to get this torture over with, go home and eat chocolate while drinking wine. But he kept talking…and talking…and talking.
It was a different language but it was neither French or Spanish (I know some limited words). So as a crotchety old woman, I did the universal sign for STFU.
“Hey!” I blurted over. “Shhh,” I said, raising my right index finger to my mouth. Many things get lost in translation but in my mind, that is the universal sign for stop talking.
Apparently, it wasn’t the universal sign for stop talking.
He looked at me with zero intimidation, as if I wasn’t even there. He turned his face from my gaze, back to the front and continued talking into his phone.
I wanted to scream.
More Jabber Jaws While Working Out
But then it gets worse. The following week, an even more brazen lady not only talked on her phone but had it on speaker so the whole fucking club could hear the conversation.
I kept looking at her to convey the “I’m not happy with your behavior” look, but she couldn’t be interrupted. Then she performed the next cardinal sin….
Not Wiping Equipment Off When Working Out
In my twenties, before having kids, I’d go to a pretty nice fitness club. It included child care and classes.
Fast-forward 25 years and I realize the beauty of Planet Fitness. It’s clean and at around $26 dollars, I can bring a buddy. The one requirement of PF is you wipe down the equipment you just used. I think that’s a fair ask.
However, there are several ass holes (actually many recently) that don’t understand this. Let me take these ass holes through the simple steps of being a decent human being at the gym:
- Step 1: walk up to the paper towel dispenser.
- Step 2: press the button 2-3 times on the dispenser to release said towels.
- Step 3: grab the spray bottle of disinfectant. Squirt it 2-5 times on the paper towel.
- Step 4: walk over to the machine you just used.
- Step 5: wipe areas your skin touched.
- Step 6: discard the used paper towel.
Not that hard, eh?
If our phones didn’t provide entertainment while working out, I’d have no problem whatsoever if phones weren’t allowed at the gym. I’ve found that many people mistake some of the equipment as a chaise lounge, losing themselves in mindless scrolling.
It’s not a chaise lounge and I need to use that machine you’ve parked yourself on so I can get the fuck out of here. Just because you sit on the equipment, gazing at your phone, will not provide any fitness benefit whatsoever.
Pictures in the Locker Room
Just because you spent 25 minutes on the treadmill doesn’t qualify you as the picture of health. Nor does it mean you should take 10 pictures of yourself and post them on social media. Nine times out of ten, no matter how unhealthy you are, you have the friends and family that have goggles on and post things like:
“Gorgeous!”
“You’re a queen!”
“You look great!”
What Not to Wear When Working Out
This leads me to the next topic. DO NOT wear a crop top and tight spandex if you don’t have the body for it. If there’s such a thing as a dad bod, I have a mom bod and I wouldn’t wear that because I have respect for the public. Just because they make garments like that, doesn’t mean you should wear them.
Before I get angry people telling me I’m “fat shaming”, common sense is not fat shaming. You don’t wear white after labor day and you don’t wear a crop top when you have 15 muffin rolls. We all have limits and that’s ok. I wish I had big boobs and I don’t so I don’t wear tops that are made for busty woman. That wouldn’t look good on me. I wish I didn’t have to write this like I’m explaining to a 5-year-old but here we are. And no gentle ‘reader, I know you’re not the 5-year-old to have this convo with but I bet you know someone that needs to read this.
Anyway, I haven’t gone completely Karen on my Planet Fitness. I’ve had visions of walking up to the front desk and telling them my frustration. I also have visions of the three 20-somethings completely blowing me off, announcing “they’ll take care of it”, and seeing the same poor behavior each and every other week to follow.
What about you? Do the things above piss you off? Am I the only one? Let’s have an honest conversation!
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