I’m going to be real, the rest of this article is really horrible and disgusting. You’ve been warned.
In 2002 I graduated from The Ohio State University with a degree in Fashion Merchandising. Sure, I probably had the lowest GPA walking across the stage but you know what? We’re all walking walking away with the same paper my friend so get off your stupid high horse.
My graduation gift from my boyfriend, now husband was a 3 lb., blonde, long hair Chihuahua whom I lovingly named ChiChi Barbados. I would walk her all the time, dress her up, sometimes in a bikini and would argue with the Target Manager on why I should be allowed to put her in a shopping cart. This was the Legally Blonde era with pink purses, especially designed for toy dogs and I was a devote followerer.
Fast forward 14 years later and I’m in my tweener’s room asking him to Google life span of a chihuahua. He chuckled.
“You wanna know?” He asked.
“Probably not,” I said while dabbing up yet another puddle of piss.
“10 to 18 years,” he said.
I did the math. “She’s 14 sooo, we are half way there at worse. I really think it’s time for her to meet her maker.”
I know that probably sounds horrible but she is killing me. It’s like she constantly finds ways to torture me. Even today, I come home to find not 1, not 2 but 3 turds in my hallway. So you don’t think I’m the devil, below is a list why ChiChi is killing me:
My Chihuahua uses our upstairs hall as her bathroom And when she can, she sneaks into my sons’ rooms like a skank at a nightclub and pisses. But I guess, or would hope, skanks at nightclubs don’t piss on the dance floor. Do they?
Last week she started shitting little dollops EVERYWHERE. Last time this happened there were 20 little shits all over our Berber carpet (which I will NEVER get for the rest of my life). In the end my sons found me crying like a broken woman, holding an empty can of Spot Shot whimpering, “I can’t do this anymore”.
Cow Patti– I was upstairs attempting to book my son’s birthday when I look down to see ChiChi walking out of our bedroom with a gigantic cow patti stuck to her ass.
“Holy shit,” I said in shock to the young girl on the other end of the phone.
“Ma’am?”
“Oh God, sorry. My dog has a massive turd stuck to her butt. I’ll call you back.”
I followed her down to the kitchen. Like the space shuttle releasing it’s external tank, the patti had discharged and was now laying on the floor. At least I had mopped the floor earlier that day.
Humping– My dog could easily play the lead character of Orange Is The New Cat. She especially takes out all her frustrations on my sister’s dog- Gabby, a black, short hair chihuahua. When Gabby visits, she immediately cowards in the corner shaking, knowing Chichi will have her way with her. 5 minutes later, Chichi strolls in like a viking, ready to have her way with Gabby.
Hacking– Apparently little dogs are afflicted in their late years with a collapsed esophagus. According to the vet it doesn’t hurt her? This is super awesome because she walks around the house hacking like a disgusting old man. Her favorite time to hack? Dinnertime. Normally either my sons or I announce “delicious” after she has almost vomited on the floor, attempting to make a bad situation better.
Am I alone here? Does anyone else have a pet killing their spirit, threatening to outlive them? Maybe I’m just a big baby?
I’ve seen a skank pee on the dance floor and I’m not even kidding you. Regarding Chi Chi, what about getting doggie diapers? Not ideal by any means but better than cleaning up crap on berber carpet!!!
Shut up? Walk me through how that would happen and why! Jesus! Doggie diapers are a thing? She wouldn’t be able to hump Gabby or lick her ass.
Oh poor Chichi!! We had a dog that lived to be 17. But he wasn’t killing us. Well in the end he was killing my spirit – he always had a heart problem and the last few months any physical exertion would cause him to faint/start seizing. At first it was just random but then it got to be multiple times a day. My mom finally decided to put him down 🙁
And see thats the thing.. am I able to determine if she needs put down? I know we are in different countries but I don’t know if I could. Your poor dog and poor you!
yeah i think you can determine it. or at least raise the issue with your vet. like they wont just put any animal down, but if there is a health reason then it might be possible? Not that I’d advocate for putting any animal down, but sometimes it just has to be done, like with my parents dog
Yep, they really are a thing and I’ve seen people use them. Most old dogs have accidents so diapers are often used to not create anxiety for the dog or the family. Most dogs feel really bad that they can’t hold it and make a mess. Vet’s won’t put a dog down for that reason and that’s probably good. They’d only put the dog down if in pain or has a terminal illness. Seriously check out the diapers! You’ll be less stressed, I think!
I will check it out!