Adult Meltdown*

*There’s an astronomical amount of F**** in this post for my adult meltdown so if your delicate ears can’t handle it, please stop reading.

It’s 11:39 at night and pissed doesn’t describe what I am right now. My son had a party this evening from 8 to 11 and my husband would take him there and I would pick him up. My parents never had to deal with me going to parties as I wasn’t popular enough to be invited to many and for the few I was invited to, they were usually within walking distance or on a well-lit street.

Usually, my son attends parties where the home is in the middle of nowhere, on a dark country road and the houses aren’t numbered. Apparently judging by the moon phase, the night sky and the way the wind is blowing, you are supposed to know where the address is.

I typed the address into my Waze. It was showing just under 6 miles and only 9 minutes. I would be using back roads, laden with deer. Deer are stupid ass holes. No really, they are incredibly stupid and cause accidents. I decided to drive 30 in a 45 with my brights on the entire time. When I came upon the address, the funniest thing happened. Waze showed my ending point, but no drive way to get there.

‘Am I supposed to drive through the grass?’ I thought.

For the homes that were around the address, none of them remotely matched 3391 Wilson Rd. I pulled into someone’s driveway and called my son.

“Everything is pitch black. I can’t see a thing.”

“Did you go over a bridge?” He asked.

“I don’t know, its too dark to tell. I need a marker of some sort.”

“They have a gravel driveway.”

I heard crickets. How my son thought this was a marker was beyond me.

“I don’t know where I am, it’s pitch black and I can’t find this house. Screw it!” I screamed, hung up on him and screamed at the top of my lungs. The shrill scream even shocked me.

This cycle continued for 6-8 minutes, switching from my son to my husband, screaming then hanging up. I broke the cycle with a new tactic.

“LET ME TALK TO A PARENT NOW!” I growled at my son. It obviously came out as a growl because all I heard in the background was “oooohhhhhhhhhh”.

A cheerful voice came on the phone. “Hello? Heard your lost!”

I dialed it down a notch, I didn’t want to be labeled psycho.

“Yeah, I’m on Wilson Rd., about to go across Diley. I’ve passed the bridge but can’t find you guys.”

She chuckled. “Here, let me pass the phone to the lady that lives here.”

At this point I was wondering why my son handed the phone to a random adult and not the home owner.

“Hi! So where are you?” She asked patiently. I repeated where I was. When she was stumped, she then handed me to her husband. It took 3 adults, a GPS and a teen to figure out…..are you ready for this? I WAS IN THE WRONG TOWN! Upon realization of this (at 11:05 p.m.) and ensuring the phone call was 100% disconnected, I believe I screamed the following:

SHRILL SCREAM, permanently damaging my vocal cords then, “What the actual fuck! What the fuck! Fuckity, fuck, fuck! God fucking damn it! What the hell?”

I drove like a bat out of hell on the country roads. My careful 30 mph accelerated to 50 mph. Just then, a gigantic buck, leaped in front of my car.

“Fuck you deer! You know what? I hope I get hit by a fuckin’ deer! Fuck you!”

Once on the right Wilson Rd. I experienced the same God damn problem: dark country road and no labeled houses. Upon realization of this, I bursted out in tears. You know it’s bad when I cry as I’ve deduced my antidepressants won’t allow me to cry like a normal woman. Just then my phone rang.

“Mom! You just passed us!”

“Nothing is labeled!” I protested. “I’ll turn around.”

At that point, I turned into what I thought was the right house and thank the baby Jesus it was. My son got in as I wiped away the tears. I didn’t say anything to him other than,

“They couldn’t have marked this place? I don’t know, maybe tie a balloon on a tree, indicating there was a party here?” He just kept his mouth shut, knowing that was the smartest thing to do.

Then I got stuck in their gravel driveway, attempting to turn around while praying I wouldn’t go down a ravine. For the 3rd time, I let out a shrill scream. I officially won’t be able to talk tomorrow.

So I’m home now, banging this out on my laptop. I’m only 25% pissed now.

P.S. Did I mention it was raining the entire time I was driving? Yeah, it was.