Gentlemen, I am not trying to alienate you but considering 98% of you puke upon the mention of periods, just skip this post. Trust me. I’ll talk about bacon and boobs or something tomorrow.
I’m beginning to realize that when menopause happens (I’m years away), it’s not going to be so bad. I mean, my tamoxifen already causes me to have hot flashes so I’m experienced with that. I thought I was on the road to the big M starting last week as my period showed up in the faintest of ways.
“Ha-ha! J/K bitch!” My period hollered over to me yesterday with her pierced tongue, wearing a midriff and sweat pants that read JUICY on her ass. Yes, in my mind, my period is a super hot mess.
My First Period
When I was 12, I hid my period from my parents for about 5 days. Periods, like sex was something I filed under the awkward tab and I had no desire to “go there” with them. I have never been the type to look like a Tampax Pearl commercial where I am having tea with my mother, my grandmother and my great-grandmother at a table in the middle of a field. We would be having a moment and smiling at each other. The wise ones would be bestowing their wisdom on me, explaining how in lieu of a plastic applicator, they would take the burlap bags from their flour, fold them up and place them in their knickers. Side note, for all the commercials that show a table in the middle of a field with like 20 chairs, why would you do that? And how do you get all those chairs, that long table and the food to this field? You never see any sign of a car or U-haul truck.
So to get back on topic, I somehow managed to hide the debris of my period for 5 days. How I did that is beyond me as each Kotex “napkin” was equivalent in size to a plantain and our bathroom trash cans were the size of a shoe box. You do the math.
So now I sit here typing while taking deep breaths as if every cramp is a contraction. I am going to lay out why periods are the worst. Enjoy.
Why Periods Are The Worst
- You walk around all day long (at least during the first days) paranoid you have a gigantic red circle on your ass. Though this has never happened in my 28 years of menstruating, it’s still a possibility.
- How many times have you woken up to what looks to be a miscarriage during the night? Sure, you used the boxing bag size tampon and a memory foam pillow pad…with wings and you still bled on everything!
- You ruin your underwear. Sure, when you think the worst is over you venture back into your cute undies, only to discover you desecrated those puppies too. Yesterday, in a matter of a few hours, I went through 2 pairs of underwear and shorts.
- The acne is a nightmare. As I’ve gotten older, the acne has migrated South to my chest and neck. They either look like boils or hickeys and they just sit there for what seems like weeks, taunting me like, “I’m not moving”. In the middle of the night I think I scratched a scab off so now it’s probably a permanent scar. Thanks Aunt Flo!
- The cramps are miserable. When I was a teen, I once vomited from the pain of my cramps and I always stayed home on the first day of my period.
- Do you feel like you have to be a ninja in public restrooms while on your period? I do. I say ninja because you have to change out a tampon while not dropping anything on the floor but you also have to somehow get the old one in the disgusting little trash can without touching the trash can. Once, I accidentally dropped a used pad on the ground as I was trying to mummify it and was horrified. I think I stayed in that stall for 15 minutes until anyone that could have seen what happened was done.
- I’m a jerk, a few days leading up to my period.
So ladies, did I leave anything off this list?
OMG, TMI!! I’m not grossed out, just could’ve gone the rest of my life without reading this. HA HA
Did you not read my first paragraph? I excluded all guys from this post. You have no one to blame but yourself. It was fair warning. 😉
Totally 100%….. Can’t wait to be rid of it…..bring it on! 🙂
I just don’t see the logic in periods. Kind of like giving birth…why couldn’t we just lay a tiny little egg and sit on it for 9 months. Then we would be guaranteed 9 months of maternity leave….and Orange Is The New Black marathons. Sigh….
??
🙂
Along with your first point of being paranoid of the red spot, I get paranoid that people can smell me…
I also hate the unpredictability of it. I’m fairly regular, but every so often, I’m early and it basically ruins my life because I feel unprepared. And then there are the times when I’m late and you know what that means… added stress acne from thinking I’m pregnant.
Being a woman sucks!
It’s weird that you posted this today cause just this morning on my way to work, I realized that I should be starting soon and I decided to wear white pants today (I know it’s after Labor Day, I just don’t give a shit!). Now I’m extra paranoid that today’s the day! 🙁
Wow! Its like we are on the same brain wave length! Now Im going to be paranoid for you! I forgot about the smell part. Ugh!
Amen/ditto to your entire comment. Except for the last part, I refuse to own white bottoms because I’m too afraid that will taunt the period gods and bring that sucker early. I know there’s literally no logic in that fear but I can’t shake it LOL
I’ve had to ease into wearing white bottoms. It started off with a pair of shorts, then my linen pants, and now I just recently bought white skinny jeans. So far, no huge disasters, but I really should have thought twice about it today. I’ve gone to the bathroom at least twice every hour since 8am to check myself!
I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!!
I scuba and free dive a ton and let me tell you, being on your period while diving is the worst thing ever. Having to peel a wetsuit off to change your tampon is torturous. And the fear that sharks can “smell” my period blood is real, I worry about that every time I dive while on my period and am too scared to google around to find out if that feeling is legitimate (also, not quite sure what I’d put in the search bar LOL).
I’m scarred of baby fish in the ocean so yeah, I don’t need to leave that scent in the ocean. Id be scared shitless too! This is why menopause doesn’t sound so bad!
AND I wouldn’t mind the hot flashes because it’s pretty damn cold where I dive. Win/win.
Ummm…thank you!!
I swear I can hear my period saying: “Oh, going for a Vegas weekend with your boyfriend? I should arrive early/late so I can ruin all your pool time, little black dress with the bloating, and getting laid. Have fun bitch, just call this vacay ‘An Amish Women Goes to Vegas.'”
And don’t even get me started on the Diva Cup. Applause for those who like it, but I can’t even see the advertisement without gagging.
Should I even ask what the diva cup is?
Imagine your roof is leaking in a small closet that is difficult to access. Instead of putting absorbable towels and cotton materials in the closet to collect the water, you decide it’s better to put a soft-sided bucket that you can maneuver into the small closet. It collects the water and then a couple times a day, you carefully pull the bucket out, dump the water out, clean, and put back in the closet to collect more water. You prefer the bucket because it’s reusable, cheap, and has no chemicals like your towels might.
Or, you can read this: http://divacup.com/how-it-works/how-it-works/
I’ll check it out.
What about when your mom gets super excited that you got your first period and then shares it with family members? I’ve always been a super private person – my first period I was in grade 7, wearing khaki pants and had a huge red stain on them for the rest of the day at school. I knew what I needed to do at home with pads and washing them out and stuff (my mom was always super open about it, no shame or anything) but then we went to visit my aunt and uncle and she tells my aunt – all proud and “ooooo”. Like it’s something that I wanted shared with the world….uugggghhhh
I don’t have them. At all. Ever.
Want to know my secret? IUD.
Just get one. It’s the best. I named mine. Can’t recommend it enough. Sure, the first two months of one long period I was convinced I’d made a terrible mistake that was going to kill me, but now I don’t have to take iron supplements anymore so… yuh. It’s awesome. Go get one today. Right now. Don’t even wait for an appointment, just sit in the office and chant IUD until they agree to put one in on the spot to shut you up.
Then? Thank me in a couple months. When your life is awesome and all your friends are like “ugh, shark week” and you’re all “that seems to happen to you a lot… have you seen a doctor?” because you’ve lost all track of monthly cycles.
Lol! Im a wimp so don’t know if I can do it. Plus it would be overkill bc my husband is fixed. I guess I’ll wait for impending menopause….sigh….