Let me be clear, when I am hungry I am a nightmare. I cannot think, work diplomatically or essentially function like a normal human being. It’s a known fact in my family that if I am hungry, I am an absolute ass hole. Despite being 135 lbs and 5′ 6″ tall, I-LOVE-TO-EAT! Perhaps it’s my Italian roots, I don’t know. Perhaps it’s a combined potion of my Ritalin and Tamoxifen that keeps me skinny but regardless, hunger is painful and do not wish to ever feel it. As I tweeted yesterday, you will NEVER, EVER, EVER hear the following words from my mouth: “I forgot to eat lunch today”. That’s adorable.
So to celebrate my new job, my in-laws offered to take my sons for an overnight so my husband and I could go out to dinner. Thank the baby Jesus, I’ll be able to sleep in till 9 contingent upon my Chihuahua not waking me up from a drunken comma at 4 a.m.
We thought about going out to the lake to a winery but that would mean sitting in the blistering heat so we agreed we would leave here at 7:30 p.m. to allow the temperature to drop a little. After laughing how there was no way in hell I was going to wait till 8 p.m. to eat, we decided on an alternative resource for food. Seeing that a Chinese buffet, tapa restaurant or Golden Corral wasn’t going to be the most date night friendly establishment or take care of my bottomless pit stomach, we chose Logan’s Roadhouse Grill which when looking back on it, is about as appealing as a TGI Fridays or Applebee’s. Look people, I was hungry, weak and not thinking straight. Don’t judge.
At 6:45, I was fading in and out of consciousness. My hunger pains had reached an all time high. We got into C’s SUV and made our trek out of the neighborhood. As we reached the entrance, we were being flagged down by a little girl who couldn’t be older than 10. She had her hands stretched high and long, waving back and forth as if she were on a deserted island and we were the rescue team. What I took as her big brother, sat in a chair, behind her, under a tree.
“Oh, that’s cute. She is selling lemonade,” C said. “Should I stop?”
“No. She doesn’t have food. Keep going,” I barked, but then felt guilty. “Yeah, turn right,” I said reluctantly, rolling my eyes. “I feel bad. Let’s just get this over with.”
C turned right and parked the wrong way in front of the house. He rolled down his window in which the little girl began her pitch. When she was talking, I noticed there wasn’t a lemonade stand but the front lawn was littered with toys so perhaps she was holding a pop up garage sale of her own stuff? My sisters and I would do that. We would have 1 table of the toys we didn’t want anymore such as pound puppies and get in shape girl exercise equipment.
“How much is your lemonade?” C asked.
“I don’t have lemonade. It’s $4 for 2 full dances and $2 dollars for 1 dance.”
‘Come again?’ I thought.
“Well obviously we know which career path she is heading down,” I mumbled under my breath, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. It was at that moment I realized my husband was about to be labeled a pedophile and not even know it.
“Give her a stupid dollar and don’t watch her dance!” I said sternly, under my breath. He didn’t hear me.
“$4 dollars?” My husband countered as if this were a negotiation at the car dealership. “That’s pretty expensive!”
“Just give her a dollar and let’s go. You are going to look like a weirdo!” I scream whispered. Obviously he wasn’t picking up on the man in van, giving money to a little girl so she can dance for him creepy vibe that was now flashing in my head like a Time Square sign!
Just then the mother opened up the storm door. I bent my head down and put my hand over my eyes. This is bad. I thought she was going to scream at my husband, like what the fuck? Instead she yelled an apology to us.
“I’m sorry. She is raising money for Trump. She does this all the time.” She said as she was holding back a toddler in nothing but a diaper while nudging a dog back with her foot.
Did I hear this right? All the time? Donald Trump? Your daughter is flagging down complete strangers, collecting their money for Trump all the while offering a dance” Did the mother see anything wrong with this?
Getting back to King Oblivion, I heard him say, “How about I give you $1 and you can do half a dan-”
“NO!” I cut him off in mid sentence. “She isn’t doing ANY DANCE! Now give her that stupid dollar and let’s go!” I was pissed now. This was the last time I feel bad for a neighbor kid making money. Why couldn’t she of had her stupid lemonade or sell one of her Cabbage Patch Kids?
He hastily gave her a $1 and drove off. After I allowed a minute to collect myself, I do what I always do when put in uncomfortable situations, I make a joke.
“You know,” I said in a completely serious tone. “Her brother was probably her pimp. He’s probably going to beat her because she didn’t get the $4 out of you.”
“Shut up,” he retorted.
I get the same way when I don’t eat. To this day, if I’m out shopping or running around with my mom and start snapping at her or complaining too much, she gives me a pointed look and says, “What’s wrong with you? Do we need to get you a snack?” The cranky kid in me is alive and well.
I was kind of loving this little dancer’s ingenuity until it was mentioned that her skills and creativity are being fueled into passion for Trump. Why, little girl, why?
I think we need to be studied , really I do….because I’m sure you become a totally different person like I do. And I completely shut down. It’s almost like a primal instinct that I have to stop everything I’m doing and find food and nothing in the world can continue to go on until I have found it. Sometimes I revert to my eating as a feeding. Yes the thing with the little girl was so shady and just awkward!
Oh yeah, I do too! I’m usually pretty easy-going, but I’ll suddenly hate everyone around me and find myself wanting to throw a temper tantrum. Strangely, it still takes me awhile to realize that I need food though. I’ll be grumbly and cranky but not know why, then I’ll eat lunch, feel better, and suddenly realize what the problem was haha. You’re right, we probably should be involved in some kind of study!
It’s like PMS on steroids…
Ha! Exactly! At least there’s a clear solution to the problem though.
You are my hero today! I’m so annoyed people can’t comment sometimes.
Crap…I was referring to the comment problems. Sorry. See…must be getting hungry. Ha!
WTH? I can’t even imagine meeting someone offering to dance for dollars at such a young age.
And my husband would be the type to innocently starting throwing dollar bills at her, not knowing how awful and wrong that is. It was so, so, so weird. She wasn’t there yesterday. Pimp must have made her move to another corner.
No… words…
As was my response upon learning what she was doing….
I know!! The fact the mother was aware too…! Seriously?!?!?!?
Her mother probably has a pole installed in the family room…..
So that’s where she got it from!!
Could you imagine? Some people need their vajajas shut down to avoid offspring!
Oh I could think of soooo many that applies to Lol!!!!
Seriously! Me too!
😀
I hate to say it, but I don’t think he should be allowed to make decisions anymore… at least, not ones that involve money. Or children.
Also, just a big round of applause for the stellar parenting going on in that house. Daughter literally on the corner negotiating her fee and their big concern is how it might look to the neighbors?
Agreed with EVERYTHING here. Can you believe that? I think my mouth dropped to the ground when she announced what she was doing. What a train wreck….
F*cken hell, was my first words when I finished reading. Funny and sad on so many levels. 🙂 your story telling is great, quirkier the better 🙂
Ah, thank you! I know I got a good when when I’m laughing while typing!!! It was sad and funny! Hopefully she has moved away now to skid row or something….
Yep laughing as you type is always a good indication 🙂
Amen sista!
Blooming eck!?
I am a little gobsmacked that her mum would let her dance for strangers for Trump! wtf!? That’s not normal right?
I get the same kind of hanger. I cannot cope with anything when I’m hungry. The worst is food shopping. I make TERRIBLE decisions if I attempt to go to the supermarket when I am hungry!!
Josy, that is TOTALLY not normal! What a nightmare! Obviously the mother is grooming the next batch of streetwalkers. I make terrible decisions too! I also eat samples I normally wouldn’t just b/c I’m so f’ing hungry! It’s miserable, isn’t it?!?!
Oh, my God! I have no other words. Ha!
I didn’t either. Saw the little girl a month or so ago. Couldn’t make eye contact. Too awkward.