Sons + Museum = Hot Mess

In what reality did I think taking my sons and one of their friends to the museum was a good idea? Oh I know, it was a Lego exhibit. You know, the thing you step on at 1 in the morning inducing more pain then having your foot actually amputated? Legos are also that toy that causes 1 in 5 families to go into financial ruin.

I wanted to get to the museum when it opened at 10 but we arrived at 11:30 and I was hangry. The newly remodeled museum offered a restaurant brought to you by none other than restaurateur extraordinaire Cameron Mitchell. This was going to be expensive.

But it wasn’t. Kids meals were only $5. The meals became expensive when each boy decided to order a $4, artisan, handcrafted root beer, infused with baby laughter.

Sounding like a complete hillbilly, I requested that my son’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich not be grilled but be cooked normal. I showed additional sophistication when I asked if I could order a kids cheeseburger. I explained I didn’t want all the funky stuff on my burger, that was on the adult one. The waiter stared at me just a second too long as a silent way to show distaste.

Just as we sat down at a table overlooking the museum courtyard, my youngest asked, “Mommy, why are all the guys wearing scarves?”

I looked around and holy shit, he was right. All around the pristine, white room, scarves were everywhere. The front desk guy, the museum patrons, hell, even one of the wait staff wore one.

“Their necks are cold I guess,” was my only answer.

After lunch, we headed upstairs to several of the galleries hosting modern art. I knew this would be a challenge having to put a positive spin on art as I truly held the belief that some of it is simply crap.

Art Piece #1

The “artist” had taken an Ikea storage unit, the kind you hang your clothes on and store in the basement, added 3 ghost shirts (their words, not mine) to the 3 white hangers and finished it off by taking a blue sharpie and doodling on the 2 fabric tabs.

“Wait a minute, I know that storage system,” I said as if I had just come across an old friend and trying to remember their name.

“Oh my God, they used an Ikea storage system. What the…..” I caught the f-bomb before it left my lips.

Art Piece #2

Like most of the “pieces” I cannot remember the name. This one basically was a mattress procured from a local crack house that leaned up against a wall. The second layer of Le Mattress, was a faux window and the final layer being debris. There is no other way to describe this. The debris, consisted of old pieces of wood, wheels, newspaper and who knows what else. The plate describing this pile was to represent death, deterioration and destruction. I would also like to add to the description it also represents a complete lack of artistic talent.

Gallery

In each gallery there was always a cluster of 4 mid-century modern chairs, along with a coffee table with “activity pieces” for the children that weren’t welcomed. There was a middle-aged woman, we will call Frida, sitting in one of those chairs, clearly attempting to have the art speak to her. Then we came in.

As we quickly made our way around the room, I went behind a wall holding another few canvases while the boys were on the other side. All of a sudden I heard clanking and stuff dropping.

‘Shit,’ I thought. ‘I will have to file for bankruptcy to pay for what they have probably broken.’

As I turned the corner, I saw the boys had taken the remaining 3 seats around Frida, building a work of art with the allotted pieces. Frida did everything in her power not to make eye contact with any of the boys nor me as I walked over. Kind of like when I give my chihuahua a bath and she won’t look me in the eye because she hates it so much. I think Frida’s strategy was to wait them out.

‘Silly woman, do you know nothing about children and breakable things? Off with you!’ I thought.

2 minutes later, as she stared straight ahead, completely infuriated, she huffed, got up and walked out.

I felt guilty for a moment but then I thought ‘why have these stupid building blocks here if they shouldn’t use it.

Here are the boys after Le Snot left:

Sorry they look weird with the scribbling I did to hide their identity.

Towards the end we were in a gallery that focused on cubism. Fast art lesson for anyone unaware: Cubism is taking geometric shapes and make something like the human form.

Again, there was an area in the middle where children could try their hand at being the artist. By now I was an empty shell and this showed through in my art. Here is my piece of work:

Notice the subtle display of wine going into the mother’s (yes it’s a mother) mouth after 3.5 hours at the museum with 3 children….