I’ve birthed 2 sons. I can tell you this, I am convinced there is a secret society called the Momanetti that covets the truth on how hard it is once you arrive home with your newborn. I’ve likened maternity leave to boot camp as it’s physically and mentally exhausting. Before maternity leave, I thought I was going to have a 6-week vacation. 5 weeks later, I’m sitting on the toilet, holding a new-born to one breast while the other breast is leaking all over him. He was hungry simultaneously when I had to piss beyond belief, about to pee my pants. To make matters worse, I had donned the muumuu my mother-in-law had bought me that had slits in the front for my boobs to hang out for breastfeeding.
“Honey, everything ok?” My husband gingerly asked against the door of the bathroom.” Obviously he had detected my frustrations and my whining.
I flung the door open as if he had told me my ass was bigger than Texas.
“LOOK AT ME! JUST LOOK AT ME!” I screamed while holding our first-born with just my right arm/hand while pointing with my left hand to my left boob that was hanging out of the left slit of my muumuu.
“I am breast feeding while pissing on the toilet! Then my left boob is leaking all over our son. So you tell me, how do you thing I am right now? Huh? How do you think I fuckin’ am?”
I backed up into the bathroom like a curmudgeon and slammed the door in his face. Classy, I know.
Fast forward 12 years later and life has gotten a THOUSAND times better. Now when people have babies I am relieved that I can enjoy the baby’s cuteness then give the baby back. Oh my God, I almost got giddy after typing that. I don’t have to deal with midnight feedings, engorged breasts or the 8 ton diaper bag that has everything but a shot-gun in it to ensure your baby’s comfort.
When people would say to me, “I miss the baby times.” I’m like, “Really? Are you on lithium or something? I’m having a hard time understanding what you are talking about.”
This post comes from a friend giving birth to her own 2 miracles this week. Honestly, I would slit my wrists if I gave birth to 2 babies at the same time but then again, I’ve never claimed to be a strong woman. I can’t wait to love on them. I can’t wait till they are at the soccer fields. And when they cry for being in the arms of Auntie Hot Mess, I can always give them back.
So what do you think about all this? Am I an ass hole? Have you been in my shoes? I would love to hear from you!!!
Lol!!!! No I think with time many people sugarcoat the memories!
Yes! I agree. I think they only remember the few times where the baby was sleeping like an angel and forget about Junior pissing on you b/c he has no control of his little wee-wee.
???
The only way that we humans have manged to continue to reproduce is because our brains get soft and we forget the real deal. We hear baby, smell babies and those damn hormones kick in….The horrible pain of delivery becomes “Oh I just had a few cramps and then I had the baby” When in reality, I growled like a dog for 9 hours and felt like I was being ripped from crotch to chest. Yep, I have been there. I love other peoples babies, I can play with them and then give them back with a large smile 🙂
And there isn’t even sadness when you give the babies back because if you don’t then your a kidnapper so it all works out. My mom always said, “God gave women the ability to forget the pain so they would have more children.” Not me. I made a mental note and had my husband snipped immediately after the second as a contingency plan in case I became weak.
You are a smart woman!!
Yes. Yes. I hated our house and called it a prison.
It is like a total prison the first few weeks and it’s like taking care of a little baby in isolation b/c you are usually alone. Ugh! Don’t miss those days AT ALL!
Neither do I. It is hectic still here but at least they can tell me what is wrong. Even if they are screaming it ..?
I found it even better when my two sons became productive members of society, got married, and had babies of their own. Then I was one step removed from it all but still could enjoy a cuddle or even babysitting for a night or two before giving the babies back to their parents!
Grandparents have it the best I swear! They have extra cuddle time and are able to give tons of junk food to the kids then give them back to the parents, not dealing with the sugar high then crash. My in-laws are the best with my sons! I’m beginning to feel the relief now. I was able to sleep in till 10:30 today!!! I used to have to get up every day for years no later then 7:30. My oldest shoveled the drive way and I was able to sit here in the warmth and answer you good folks!!!
It’s great when they grow up and you become friends. Yes it’s tough for the first few years and I was at breaking point many times. However, I’m so glad I had my two boys. They’ve taught me patience and tolerance, and have provided me with 2 lovely daughters-in-law and 4 grandkiddies to make a fuss of. We all sat round my table on Christmas Day and sang the chorus of ‘Love Shone Down’ before we ate our dinner. It made up for all the early years of heartache!
I’m just going to add this into the “never ever having children” list. Listed only as “Talk to Hot Mess”.
Yep because for a solid 10 years of your life (and that’s if you only have 1) a person will be either 70%-100% dependent on you for everything! I do think you would be an amazing mom though!!!
Awww thanks!! I might have one… JUST ONE lol
Love, love, love!! OMG I so remember that feeling of almost drowning each baby in breast milk….and once taking my toddler son swimming and as I got changed after milk hitting the cubicle walls and him SHOUTING “Mummy, you’re spraying milk like a cow!”….mastitis with all 3 babies…aghh, why do we do it?? And whilst all around me were avoiding dummies like the plague, with number 2, I desperately tried to glue one in his mouth each eve when he would not stop crying. You have made me laugh so loud I’m crying!! I have shared a link on my regular feature Monday Magic – Inspiring Blogs for You! Claire (PainPalsBlog) x
I just read your comment to my sons twice and they are rolling on the floor right now in laughter. That is so f’ing funny! I had mastitis with the first one and refused to breast feed the second. I just absolutely hate those moms that make snide comments after I announce I wouldn’t be breast feeding the second one as I was miserable doing it. They would respond back along the lines of , “oh I would never do formula as I want the best for my baby.” I want to be like shut the f*** up. Your child is going to be ugly and stupid. No, that’s my inside voice, I would never say that but just smile and shake my head. I’m so glad you enjoyed this post and thanks again for linking to it! I’ll have to swing by for a visit! Have a great day!!!
HA! This is what being a mother is actually like, rather than the peaceful serenity of a mother breastfeeding her baby all tucked up snugly together!
I remember when my daughter was small. whenever we went into down she would scream the place down, and I encountered many a strange look from passers by alarmed at the almighty racket coming from the pram! I then had to go and sit in a ‘cupboard’ in our ‘Mothercare’ shop to breastfeed her. I was hot and bothered, she was hungry and screaming.I didn’t have the delight of feeding her on the toilet though as you did! 🙂
Judy….I hear you. Motherhood is a mind f*** of the highest degree, especially with postpartum depression. You are isolated and it’s often times a struggle to breastfeed. What is a mothercare shop?
It is a brand that sells all kinds of baby products from little outfits to prams and cots. There was a tiny little room where you could go to breastfeed at the back of the shop which was the only place in town, unless of course you were not shy about feeding in public, which I was to begin with!
Oh ok, thank you for explaining. Through the entire time I breastfed my oldest, I was too embarrassed to do it in public. Hell, I didn’t even want to do it in the restroom!
When I did finally breastfeed in public, I had a huge blanket covering us! 🙂
Yep, I’m like you…I’m past that stage. Over it.
Babies are cute….as long as you can give’em back. Don’t miss that time. Seriously.