My Dog Is Slowly Killing Me

I don’t know if I’m about to start my period but I want to whine a little so grab your cheese and let’s do this! Warning: if you are a pet lover, do not read this. You will hate me.

I am convinced that if a nuclear fallout occurs there will be 3 things left on the Earth:

• Cockroaches
• Rats
• My chihuahua

If you ask anyone that has known me over the past decade, they too have come to realize Chichi Barbados (that is her middle name) is NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER going to die. This might sound mean but she was born in 2002 so if you do the whole dog to human years thing that puts her at 105 years old.

I think, nah, convinced, she is punishing me for having children. Since loosing her comfy #1 spot in 2005 then just her spot in 2008, thanks to the birth of my sons, she hates me and makes me suffer every day. When she looks at me, I know what she’s thinking and I think it’s something like, ‘I own you bitch. You work for me now!’

The Vicious Cycle

If there is a favorite way Chichi enjoys tormenting me it’s this: she stares at me while I’m on the sofa or chair. I mean, stare me into submission. She knows I can’t take it and even when I tell her to stop she just carries on. If we’ve gone more than 1 minute of me not acknowledging her, she’ll begin scratching the chair. If we go 2 minutes, she’ll let out a blood-curdling yelp. This continues until I lift her up on the sofa (she is too old to jump up anymore). She pretends she’s going to stay on the sofa but seconds later, jumps down. 2 minutes later she stares at me again till I let her up, then jumps down. Repeat, repeat, repeat. This cycle can continue the ENTIRE EVENING! Here is a video of this nightmare!

chichi

Barky Bark

To piggyback on the vicious cycle I’ll think ‘maybe she has to pee. That is why she keeps getting down,’ so I let her out. She doesn’t have to pee. She has to bark. She stands between my neighbor’s home and ours and just barks until I talk her off a ledge with a treat. She’s SUCH A LITTLE ASS HOLE!!!

Often times I let her out the back door with the philosophy “if it was meant to be, she’ll come back”. And unfortunately, she comes back. Sure, it’s after she has eaten everyone’s trash and her own shit but she always comes back.

Potty Time

I will have just let Chichi out only to find 20 minutes later she has pissed in the upstairs hallway. The upstairs hallway is her own personal bathroom and it is disgusting. She used to piss in my sons’ rooms till I finally got them in the habit of closing their door. Every time I walk through my own hallway, I treat it like a mine field, hop-scotching over stains I’m guessing are new piss areas. I feel like I am cleaning up pee every other day and have used enough paper towels that I should consider stock in Brawny.

Chichi’s Early Days

I didn’t always feel this way about Chichi. When I was in my 20’s I resembled Elle Woods of Legally Blonde. I would always take Chichi in my purse and even to Target. Sometimes Target management wouldn’t mind, other times I was asked to put her back in the car. Before I learned how to sew, I had a neighbor make her a bikini because every self respecting chihuahua has a bikini right? I could see where she is a little bitter about the arrivals of son #1 and son #2.

Did you like my featured image? It’s Chichi and I reenacting The Lion King. Occasionally I’ll pick her up in the living room and hold her up like I’m presenting her to the animal kingdom (or my family) and chant something incoherent. If you could read Chichi’s thoughts, I’m sure it would be something like ‘This has become my life now. This crazy woman treating my like Simba.’