Groupon Has Sex Toys Now

Not gonna lie you guys, I’m very confused about tonight’s topic of Groupon’s newest addition. It’s been a long time since I’ve looked at something and can’t figure it out. I think the last time I was this confused was when I wrote about THINX. Purposely, I’m trying to figure out what the hell it is before crying uncle and reading the description.

But before I show you the picture, let’s talk about Groupon for a moment. I’ve been checking it daily to see if my Samsung Gear S2 has gone down in price and it hasn’t. As I was perusing through the merchandise, I noticed a vibrator for sale.

“That’s odd.” I said out loud. Now maybe they’ve been selling vibrators for years but apparently there must be a demand for discounted adult toys. I don’t know about you but when I think vibrators, I don’t think Groupon.

Teeth whitening? Groupon

Kick boxing? Groupon

1/2 a local Italian restaurant? Groupon

Vibrating clitoral sucker vibrator? NOT Groupon

And it’s not just 1 or 2 adult options. Groupon must have a whole flippin’ warehouse full of these things because there are a million choices. I’ve chosen ones that make me question things the most or make me laugh the most. And if you are so inclined, by all means, go get your 70% off dildo.

Adult Item 1

Modeling agency: “We’ve booked you a modeling gig.”

Model: “Really? For who? I’m so excited!”

Modeling agency: “Groupon. It’s a hand modeling job. Are you interested?”

Model: “Absolutely! What will be on my hands? A ring? Are they painting my nails?”

Modeling agency: “An 8″ dong. It’s a 12 speed vibrator with a suction cup. Oh, and it’s purple.”

Adult Item 2

Please know I honestly didn’t have a 100% grasp on what a stroker was. Honestly, I don’t think I still do. When I saw this for the first time tonight on Groupon, I thought these were ass enlargers. Like ass implants without surgery. But again, the title left me confused. It only occurred to me after much pondering that each slut had their own personalized faux ass.

Adult Item 3

I’m just not buying this. Have you ever tried thong pads? It’s like a tight rope walker, balancing on a thin rope. If that’s a struggle to stay on your underwear, how is something, the size of a Dr. Scholl’s insole, going to stay on your thong. And if that falls out of your underwear, how are you going to explain it? Don’t look at me, I told you to buy the salsa dancing lessons.

Adult Item 4

This item just scares me. It looks like some sort of futuristic, robotic dick that is going to inject something into your penis once you put it on. I mean, what’s that purple thing on top? Gentlemen, just don’t.

Adult Item 5 (I’ll present the picture first and then comment)

Remember the item I mentioned in the beginning, that I’m confused about? Well, ta-da! I broke down and read the description for this. I think I understand now, It’s a toy for guys. But seriously, how is this even appealing when you look down at it? You remember the little white dog Precious, from Silence of the Lambs? I firmly believe that if Buffalo Bill went to Petco to buy a chew toy for Precious, he would have selected one of these vagina strokers. I almost can’t even look at these things. My sister said they look like severed baby arms.

And why are they called vagina strokers? That’s what’s confusing me here. Shouldn’t they be called penis strokers? No one’s vagina is being stroked. Then to throw me for a complete loop, they call it a pocket stroker. So before I read the description, this was the thought that ran through my head,

‘So does someone place this in their pocket? Like they stroke it when they get nervous? Kinda like the rubber band I wear around my wrist when shopping. So when I get the urge to buy something I snap it? Ok, horrible comparison. And a vagina is internal so stroking it on the outside wouldn’t even make sense.’

So yeah, I’m a little concerned of Groupon’s direction. Perhaps they are going for the “person that has everything” angle?