10 Creepy Medieval Paintings- Because Why Only Do This Once?

Why stop at one or two of Creepy Medieval Paintings posts when there seems to be an unbelievable amount of odd ones. Was everyone just perpetually high back then? I learned watching Highlander that people would oftentimes go mushroom hunting. At first, I thought it was the kind of mushroom you get on your pizza. But now, I’m second-guessing my assumption.

Like, what was going through the heads of these artist? Will people look back on our form of art (television) and question shows like Dexter, True Blood and Alf? Regardless, these paintings are creepier than shit and I really feel like I shouldn’t be the only one to have nightmares this evening. That being said, below are 10 creepy Medieval paintings, along with my brief thoughts on each. Enjoy!

10 Creepy Medieval Paintings

PPE

I’m guessing that if coronavirus occurred in the 1400’s, their mask/gloves would look something like this. This looks like the result of an elephant, football and garden hose mating. As for the bubble, I got nothing other than it was somewhat of a self-portrait, representing the clog of weed around the artist.

Hole in the Head

I’ve never understood the saying “hole in the head” but this painting may have something to do with it. I’m guessing she probably started her period and her husband asked her to pass the porridge using the wrong tone.

The Birthing Suite

Apparently children came out of asses back then and with a perm. And did she have twins but one of them is oddly huge?

But She Has a Really Pretty Face

This poor baby ate waaayyyy too much porridge. Come on parents, quit letting your kids play video games all day.

Explosion of the Ass

Man, these olden times people love their asses! Perhaps it was just much easier to draw and paint? But now I’m looking closer at this painting and what the hell is that? An animal? A half-animal, half-human? Maybe this has nothing to do with diarrhea at all and is a form of warfare?

New Mom

I’d like to think this is a new mom with her new mom bod, wishing she was thin again, holding on to the memories. Let ‘er go Linda, let it go!

Botched

Have you ever watched the show Botched on E! Entertainment about plastic surgeries that went horribly wrong? In my mind, this would be one of them. Imagine this train wreck walking in and upon consultation, this is what we have to work with.

Doctor: “Didn’t you think you should have stopped with the penis tattoo?”

Patient: “Well that was a dare and I was drunk on ale.”

Doctor: “So why the bird-like augmentation?”

Patient: “I wanted to stand out at the renaissance fair.”

Doctor: “Because the penis tattoo, lizard-like tongue, faux arrows and odd skin pigmentation weren’t enough.”

Patient: “What?”

Doctor: “Nothin’, hop up on the exam table.”

I Don’t Know What to Entitle This

I honestly don’t know what to entitle this. At first, I called it Bachelorette Party, circa 1420 but then it’s obvious that these are dudes. I thought about calling it Broadway, because I could totally see this happening in a Broadway play (though I have yet to ever see a play on Broadway and I’m totally ok with that). But look at their calves! One of the least offensive paintings here and I’m completely stumped on what to call it.

Psycho Mom

Ok, here me out. When I first saw this painting, it was much smaller. I thought the mom laid her baby down in the corner and she was sipping a martini. Sure, I have no explanation for the fire, the baby is lying next to but let’s remember we have no context. Upon further inspection, it’s not a martini but the baby’s arm!!! What in the holy hell? This is like Mommy Dearest but 50 times worse!

Me, Drunk

Drop the mic.