If there is one thing the Midwest is known for, it’s for the topsy turvy weather. Take the past 48 hours for example. When I awoke yesterday, there was 2″ of snow on the ground. Today it was a high of 65 with a chance of tornadoes.
If you are fortunate enough to live somewhere that doesn’t encounter tornadoes, you’re lucky. Tornado threats have been a part of my entire life. The moment you hear tornado sirens, you need to book it for the basement. Like Lieutenant Dan during the storm scene of Forest Gump where he’s like, “come and get me mother fucker!” My husband sits calmly in the living room while my sons and I are in the basement.
The Scary Afternoon
At 4:55 I checked the radar. If I hauled ass, I could beat the storm home. I was getting my hair did at my neighbor’s house and had to be there by 6. Afterall, I was going to L.A. and if I couldn’t be a size 0, at least my hair could look nice. I had to make 1 stop on my way home and that was to the bank to get cash out for my friend who was doing my hair.
At 5 P.M. I jumped up from my desk and I didn’t just walk, I ran to my car.
“Have a good evening,” I hollered over to a co-worker in the parking lot as I ran to my Corolla. If I could just put enough space between me and the tornado, we would be good.
For 30 minutes, I drove East like a bat out of hell. I was riding people’s asses and giving them dirty looks as they took their sweet ass time. Did they not see what was coming from the West? This isn’t a Sunday drive grandpa! To give you an idea of what I was running from, here is a brief YouTube video showing a little of the aftermath:
In a record 35 minutes later and with the tornado sirens now going off, I arrived at the bank. I flung open the door and was pleased to find I was the sole customer. The elevator music played against my sense of urgency but that didn’t stop me from filling out a deposit ticket. I then took my place in the non-existent line….and waited….and waited….and waited.
It didn’t occur to the 2 female employees, attempting to figure something out on a monitor that A. there was a customer waiting for absolutely no reason or that B. there was a possible tornado in the area. Nope, they just took their sweet ass time.
“Mmmhmmm…..mmhhmmm…..yes. No, not that one,” I heard the borderline Amish young lady say, addressing the seated middle-aged woman as they peered into their monitor. I kept looking out the glass door as the sky became darker. By now, several employees of the Greek restaurant in the strip mall were outside, hoping to catch a glimpse of the lighting and maybe even a funnel cloud.
Because I was obviously being ignored, I grabbed a dum-dum sucker out of little cup on the counter, normally reserved for all patrons age 6 and under. This dum-dum sucker served 2 purposes. A. if I were going to be ignored, fuck’em, I was going to get a sucker out of it and B. I dragged it slowly across the edge of the counter, hoping to make enough vibration, just in case they were actually 2 blind, deaf mutes.
The Home Stretch
After the bank, I jumped in my car and had just 10 miles left. It was hailing and lightening now.
“I am not dying tonight. That bitch is not going to be the reason I die tonight.” This was my mantra as I weaved in and out of lanes, just a mile from the interstate.
Next, I was having an imaginary conversation with the SUV in front of me who was going 25 mph in a 50 mph. I was just a few yards from the freeway and couldn’t pass him, for fear of missing the on ramp.
“Do you understand what is over there?” I screamed at the back of his car while pointing to the West. His windows were tinted so if he had passengers that were looking at me, I’m sure I just looked like I was having a turret episode.
I finally managed to get on the freeway and almost out run the storm. At my exit, the 1 lane feeds into 2 then eventually feeds back into 1. No one else was going to slow me down so I made a point to choose the lane next to a utility truck. My game plan was when the light turned green, I would speed up, pass the truck and get in front of him in his lane since my lane was the one that ended.
This ass hole knew exactly what I was doing and just to be a dick, he made it a point to align his truck with my car so I couldn’t pass.
“Go right ahead ass hole. Be my guest,” I said as I let go of my steering wheel to fling my arms open dramatically while giving him a death look.
I eloquently proceeded to give him the bird while reading the company name on the back of his truck as he passed. I made a mental note to never use Miller Heating and Cooling.
So that is that. I’m alive and now have beautiful hair. After reading this I think I’ve realized one thing, I may have some road rage issues. Oh wait, no…..it’s not that. I was hangry from 5 to 6. I just realized.
My real question is why you needed to use a teller at the bank. What can you not get done at the ATM now a day? Although you got a sucker so that’s nice…
Because I was cashing a check and I don’t think this backwards bank has an ATM at this branch. I’m too cheap to pay the 2 service fees I’d incur using another ATM. Everything would have been fine if that freakin’ girl didn’t screw up my whole timeline.
ThAts insane. In Canada I can’t think of any bank that doesn’t have an atm. I do understand the idea of not paying 7 dollars or whatever in fees to deposit the check I just forget sometimes that US banks are so different than Canada
Remind me not to get on your bad side!+!
Just throw food at me. I’ll be nice then. LOL!
Throwing… throwing! ??????
Nummm…nummmm……nummmmm. I just finished a salad and soup in my car at my son’s soccer practice as there is no way in hell I was going to make it till 8PM!
I Was like that yesterday, just a sandwich at lunch, and my hubby likes to eat dinner late… at 8pm my stomach was growling, and I’d already snacked on cake, crisps and chocolate!!!
We have to eat at 8 sometimes too and it’s MISERABLE! I am like a senior citizen as I would probably eat at 4:30 if I was allowed.
Just tucking into a lovely Shepherds Pie, and it isn’t even 7pm! Yum, and perfect! Hubby Dearest can heat and eat whenever he wants his!!!!
I am queen of snacking if I have to eat late, but the flip side is that If I eat early, then I snack at night too!!!
hehe this was an amazing story! I just wish you would have like recorded it instead because your face telling it would be priceless, I am sure of it hehe
Oh man….I did think about it but I was so focused on the traffic and the lightening and the hail. I totally should have. Next time this happens (may it never happen again!) I totally will.
I’ve never had to live with a tornado but I’ve always wanted to see one. Sounds like this getting home for a tornado is a riot.
Holy crap, this whole story was just… amazing? Does that word do it justice? I don’t really think so… I was internally laughing (I’m at work) the entire time.
Also “…if I couldn’t be a size 0, at least my hair could look nice” #metoo
Oh my God! I’m so glad you loved it!!! #metoo OMG! Too funny! I can’t even get in a size 6 let alone a size 0.
You were waaaaaaaaaaay more patient than I would have been at the bank. You born midwesterners, I swear… I’d have put up with being ignored for a full thirty seconds before I’d have started chanting “DING!” at them. Not gonna put a bell on the counter for me to get your attention? That’s fine, I DON’T NEED ONE, BITCH.
I’m actually getting worked up just thinking of you standing there, being ignored, in a place where they literally only have a job because you let them play with your money. They’re not even selling a fucking product; they’re a WORSE version of a child’s piggy bank (piggy banks don’t offer interest, but they also can’t take your money and leave you with nothing) and they have the nerve to ignore you? No. NO. Nuh-uh.
Trust me, I know, perhaps I was too patient. Now that I look back on it, those ass holes were literally putting our lives as risk. Do you know within about 30 minutes of that encounter, there were 4 verified tornados that touched down? 4! Given her Amish like look, this is the only time in her life she will ever hold any sort of authority and she chose to do it with a cool $75 check. Jack ass!