No Mr. Jackson…..What’s In Your Purse?

I have been meaning to clean my purse out for days. I am selfishly writing this post in the hopes that other women will say “your purse isn’t that bad.” Sure, this could completely backfire and I may receive responses like “For all that is holy, how do you hoard like that?!”

So for a good year now I have welcomed Louis back into my normal purse carrying schedule. When I was 21 and coming off of a divorce, yes I said divorce, that’s a whole other post; what better way to clear your mind then go to Paris?! It was 1999 and like Prince said “we’re gonna party like it’s 1999” so I was down.

While on the Champs-Elysees, my mother decided to fulfill her dream of owning a Louis Vuitton. She looked at me and asked if I wanted one too.

‘Am I hearing you correctly?’ I thought. Was she a drug dealer or something? These things cost $300. Then I was brought back into reality.

“I mean, you can pay me back,” she corrected.

“Oh, ok sure,” I said knowing I would never pay her back. I actually did pay her back 5 years later.

So over the years I’ve been carrying Louis and now it’s 17 years later. That equates to $17.64 a year for my handbag. Often times less than the cost of a pleather bag at Target. The added benefit? These little ass holes go up in value. My $300 bag is now worth $600 from last check. Why am I telling you this? Well duh! It’s so you can justify your next handbag purchase to anyone questioning it. They would be financially irresponsible not to be on board with this situation. Now there are some handbags that will not qualify for this scenario such as Juicy Couture.

I digress. So below is a picture of EVERYTHING in my purse right now, this very minute. A side note, my purse acts like my sons’ portable trash can so I did remove all bubble gum and candy wrappers.

So I have a few normal things like a wallet, checkbooks, meds and half opened gum. Like all self respecting women, I have 4 lip colors but only wear one. Why? Because someday I am going to make Apricot Fantasy work for me….damn it! After coming to terms that I will never make Apricot Fantasy work, I throw it out only to purchase it on a whim 3 months later. I’d also like to point out my Chapstick as well as my backup, generic kind.

Despite not being on my period I like to keep the pads and tampons in my purse. To make matters grosser I make sure I have thong pads in there. Why? Because where I work now insists that you have your purse checked before leaving for lunch and for the day. Being the office staff, this enrages me because this isn’t Express. I’m not going to throw a pair of ponte pants in my bag. You remember ponty pants? Every time I do it it’s demeaning so I make it a point that when the men check my purse, all feminine products are front and center.

Since my husband didn’t appreciate the all in one fake Swiss army I got him, complete with a nail file and wine opener, I took dibs on it and now it’s mine. I freakin’ love it.

Regarding the Mardi Gras beads, I showed someone my boobs and they threw them….nah I’m just kidding. The likely scenario is they would throw them simultaneously while I’m lifting my shirt and my ridiculously padded bra, giving the illusion I’m a 36D when in reality I’m a 36 light B. Due to false advertisement, it is demanded I throw the beads back. I would agree and do so.

The disk thing on the left is a blessing and a curse. You know how men in khakis would have a flip phone attached to their belt? I feel like this is me when I wear this dorky thing. For anyone unfamiliar with this product, you turn it on and small fan begins to rotate. Suddenly bugs within a certain radius find you repulsive and move on. I feel like this happens 70% of the time. I wish there were one to keep bratty children or slimy guys away. I have yet to hear of this from the OFF company.

So there you go! I’ve come clean….literally. Your turn! I want to know what you have stashed in your purse or European Mansac. We’re all friends here. Unless there is an animal in your bag, then you need to see immediate help.