Mothers are Mutha' F***** Amazing- Happy Mother's Day!

I once wrote a post called F*** it, I’m Giving Myself Props. I can’t even remember the whys behind it but probably because we mothers need to pat ourselves on the back every now and then. This post has been sitting in my drafts for somemtime and I think today, on Mother’s day, is the right time to publish it. Don’t you? This is my Mother’s day gift to you!

Do you ever feel like if you died tomorrow, your children would live in a perpetual state of dirtyness? They would never have clean clothes again and the house would resemble a hoarders paradise. “Home cooked” meals would consist of macaroni and cheese and it wouldn’t even be the boxed kind. It would be the cup you throw in the microwave for 3 minutes.

Now we all know this isn’t exactly what would happen. The kids would be clean when either your mother or mother-in-law came over. Or say if you die and your spouse remarries, you would pray the stepmom would take care of them.

Where am I going with this? I just look back on everything we do every day and it’s exhausting! And I’ll be real, I don’t want to do a damn thing, not a damn thing….ever. I do it though. My house is messy yet here is the shit I get done on any given day….

Morning

Get both kids on the bus. One at the freakin’ ass crack of dawn. Why does middle school start so early?
Make my bed.
Make the 10-year-old breakfast. I make the 14-year-old make his own.
Every other day unload and load the dishwasher.
Take the trash out if need be.
Fold blankets and make the sofa look somewhat nice again.

After Work

Arrive home at 5:50 and cook before, sometimes during soccer and after so my children don’t grow up thinking tv dinners are a suitable dinner.
Bribe, negotiate and lose to my children on buying their lunch the next day. Now I have to make the damn lunches.
Fold 2 loads of laundry and daydream on a machine that would not only fold the laundry but distribute it to each child and put it away.
Become the sock matchmaker, reuniting roughly 10 pairs a night. Reuniting socks since 2005.
Pick up shit everywhere including Pop-tart crumbs, empty Capri Suns and balls. Balls everywhere.

Weekend

Grocery shop, come home and have children complain they have to put their 5,000 snacks away. Wahhh….you want some cheese with that wine?
Attempt to clean the entire house because we got rid of our man maid.
Look at all the honey-do list and stacks of unopened mail and vow that next weekend will be the weekend I do it. This declaration has probably been made about 52 times.
LAUNDRY, LAUNDRY, LAUNDRY…if I had to count (which I don’t), I would say about 6 loads on the weekends because of sheets, uniforms, etc.
Attend soccer games and practice ALL WEEKEND. Take right now, I’m sitting 94 miles away from home in a hotel room, between soccer games. We won’t get home till 8PM tonight and you can bet your pink booties all of the above will not get done.

I’m not complaining. I just know that millions of you out there do it all too and we need to be celebrated, especially on Mother’s day. Please don’t do any chores today! Let them all figure it out. Even the babies. Ok, maybe not the babies. Ok, at least the toddlers. Toddlers walk around acting like drunk adults, most of the time so I think one day they can fend for themselves.